Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

Brunelleschi minus Brunelleschi

Garfield minus Garfield

Security Breach

The University of Guantanamontrose is not posting out of pity this time. Instead, we, as a community, are taking a stand against the injustices to honor, principles, and private property experienced in the past few days.

In the past month, members of the community (mostly faculty) have collectively had two cars towed, another "misplaced for 24 hours," and two more broken into "on campus" via smashed windows. We have had a handle of Tito's, two bank statements, two credit cards, two driver's licenses, and $17.45 in cash stolen. Credit purchases on said cards have amounted to $23.99 at James Coney Island, $22.87 at Exxon, and $55.55 at South Beach (oops, that last one might have been mine...) We have also had a minor amount of pot and a large amount of cigarettes mysteriously disappear.

This list does not even include things Unigauntanamontrose members thought disappeared but later found out (through photographic evidence) that they in fact consumed unawares.

If crimes of this nature continue, the University may have to take dire actions. We are already downsizing on campus party funds. The school will also strive to maintain a "certain level of quality" in members allowed to matriculate. Our standards have been raised; our generosity diminished. It's time for a new Gauntanamontrose.

On a more pleasant note, Unigauntanmontrose would like to share a small piece of kharma and campus pride. One of our very own has finally made it on Stuff White People Like. We are very proud and delicately elated at how dashingly buff a said someone looks in the photo SWPL discovered. I wish camera angles did that to me!

Finally, I feel the Community must actually face the issue of brothels in the SOMO and NOMO vicinity and their aggressive monopolization of both HPD and campus security. While at Agora for happy hour on Monday, several members of the UG faculty witnessed a brothel fight. Two women, neither wearing shoes, yelled and screamed at a shirtless man in front of a building made of cinder-blocks and held together with chewing gum. It took no less than 10 minutes for 3 cop cars to show up and "mediate" this brawl. Why did this brothel get so much more attention than the non-existent response provided by HPD to the campus during said vodka-stealing incidents?

We find the allocation of city utilities and their inability to cooperate with our own forces revolting. Perhaps, as a reparation, the U.S. government can give UG all the troops from our namesake in Cuba after Obama closes the operation? I'll leave this acquisition and its proper handling open as a topic for discussion.

Long Live Guantanamontrose!