Kittens Girl is a Historian

New Course Proposal

I would like to propose a new course to be taught in the UGMo Art
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh
LULZ.

Security Breach

The University of Guantanamontrose is not posting out of pity this time. Instead, we, as a community, are taking a stand against the injustices to honor, principles, and private property experienced in the past few days.

In the past month, members of the community (mostly faculty) have collectively had two cars towed, another "misplaced for 24 hours," and two more broken into "on campus" via smashed windows. We have had a handle of Tito's, two bank statements, two credit cards, two driver's licenses, and $17.45 in cash stolen. Credit purchases on said cards have amounted to $23.99 at James Coney Island, $22.87 at Exxon, and $55.55 at South Beach (oops, that last one might have been mine...) We have also had a minor amount of pot and a large amount of cigarettes mysteriously disappear.

This list does not even include things Unigauntanamontrose members thought disappeared but later found out (through photographic evidence) that they in fact consumed unawares.

If crimes of this nature continue, the University may have to take dire actions. We are already downsizing on campus party funds. The school will also strive to maintain a "certain level of quality" in members allowed to matriculate. Our standards have been raised; our generosity diminished. It's time for a new Gauntanamontrose.

On a more pleasant note, Unigauntanmontrose would like to share a small piece of kharma and campus pride. One of our very own has finally made it on Stuff White People Like. We are very proud and delicately elated at how dashingly buff a said someone looks in the photo SWPL discovered. I wish camera angles did that to me!

Finally, I feel the Community must actually face the issue of brothels in the SOMO and NOMO vicinity and their aggressive monopolization of both HPD and campus security. While at Agora for happy hour on Monday, several members of the UG faculty witnessed a brothel fight. Two women, neither wearing shoes, yelled and screamed at a shirtless man in front of a building made of cinder-blocks and held together with chewing gum. It took no less than 10 minutes for 3 cop cars to show up and "mediate" this brawl. Why did this brothel get so much more attention than the non-existent response provided by HPD to the campus during said vodka-stealing incidents?

We find the allocation of city utilities and their inability to cooperate with our own forces revolting. Perhaps, as a reparation, the U.S. government can give UG all the troops from our namesake in Cuba after Obama closes the operation? I'll leave this acquisition and its proper handling open as a topic for discussion.

Long Live Guantanamontrose!

Things That Will Not Be Tolerated At UGMo, Part 1

I fucking hate hipsters. To me they are the lowest of the low, the most inconsiderate scum on this earth. Say what you will about terrorists or whatever the fuck else, I don't care, hipsters need to go DIAF. Hipsters are like party terrorists. They ruin my night, make me hate everything, and show no respect for anyone or anything.

Tonight was the opening night of Club Access and it was supposed to be a fun time, but I almost would have rather been at home putting away my laundry and watching Wednesday night's episode of Top Chef on my DVR. I don't know how these people learned about the party or if they even knew anyone there, but they were not at all a positive addition to the scene. 

Several times I went back and forth from the inside of the SoMoToHo to the front where some people were hanging out. A half dozen or so of these awful hipsters were clustered on the stoop, preventing me from easily passing through the front door. Maybe it was annoying of me to keep going through, but really, they could have moved off the stoop onto the sidewalk after the first time I went through the middle of them. I wasn't even the only one, other people were coming and going as well, but it never even crossed their minds to relocate their conversation 5 feet away to allow an unobstructed flow of movement to occur.

Finally I was so fed up with them completely ignoring my need to pass that I shouted "EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE FUCKING DOOR!" as I maneuvered my way through. I ran inside as they called me names and judged me for being so unhip as to have wanted to walk through the door of a house that I belonged at because I am fairly good friends with the people who live there and I don't think a single one of them could have told you Steven or JPatt's names. 

I tried to limit my interactions with this crowd from that point on, and I was fairly successful to this end, but the hipster-created drama of this night was not over. Later in the course of the party, a new handle of vodka was unveiled, and maybe 2 or 3 of us accessed drinks from it. Not thinking anything of it, I left the handle sitting on the counter, as often occurs during parties at the SoMoToHo. A few minutes later, Ray came to ask me where the vodka was, assuming I might have hidden it somewhere. This was not the case and upon extensive searching, the handle could not be found, so there is little left to do that to assume that some asshole, upon leaving, glanced into the kitchen, noticed the mostly full bottle of Tito's, and absconded with it before we were any the wiser.

They probably laughed to their friends as they left the scene of the crime, congratulating themselves on scoring free booze and ruining our night even more. Whether they did this as a "fuck you, your party was lame" move or if they just don't have any manners and just thought they could take whatever they damn well pleased, I don't know. But stealing alcohol from a party is a dick move no matter what. Especially when the hosts have been providing you with drinks all night. I wasn't even a host of this party, nor did I have anything to do with purchasing the stolen goods, but I have some common sense and decency enough to know that you just don't fucking do that. I mean that didn't even happen at the party with the most epic hipster invasion I've ever experienced, the one that yielded this. That night was a whole other type of mess though.

Anyway, I want nothing to do with these assholes and the next time I have to be around them it will be too soon. Affirmative action be damned, as the co-founder and namer of the University of GuantanaMontrose, I hereby declare that they shall not be granted admission or access to our center of learning.