The Return of Don

Remember the cat judger/wine taster/guy that "gets emails"? Well, he has made a comeback. Although he is not meant to matriculate until fall 09, Don is already getting a jumpstart on his college workload. Just like any other student, Don goes to the library and pretends to do work. He even goes as far as to bring a large binder. His critical error however, is forgetting to open it as he plays solitaire and frequents an alternative social networking site on the computer. Here at Uni GuantanaMontrose we do not condone the abuse of public resources, but if you must, we would encourage you all to sporcle. or at least play spider solitaire

Strip Clubbing 199

Steps for Success:

1. Go on a Tuesday
2. Go to a club with a clever name, like "Teasers"
3. Have 9 beers so that when the "i don't touch you, you don't touch me [with anything but my butt]" rule is broken you are able to handle it
4. Do not intervene when "Sparkle" grabs your [girl] friend's crotch, bites her ear, and licks her face.
5. Pour beer down your own back when Sparkle decides it's your turn for an unsolicited lap dance.
6. Do not protest when Sparkle asks you to spank her.
7. Do not protest when Sparkle asks you to try again because apparently your first attempt wasn't your best work.
8. React positively to her constructive criticism that you "obviously don't know what you're doing."
9. Do not get angry when your friends call Sparkle over and rope you into buying her a drink.
10. Talk to Sparkle about her life goals and how she does real estate on the side.
11. Agree to a private dance on a couch because you assume it is compensation for buying the stripper a drink.
12. Make small talk with Sparkle about DSW shoe warehouse and other fun, wholesome, daytime activities.
13. Get a lap dance to Notorious B.I.G.'s Big Papa, realize the lap dance was $25 and go to the atm at the front while all your friends point and laugh.

Don: Cat Judger Extraordinaire

Last night a met a man... a man of many talents, and of weird, awkward sentences.

setting: BYOB coffeehouse
event: UNC vs. Duke Battle of the Bands

I feel a tap on my shoulder and a middle-aged man says "you thirsty?" and gestures towards my Colt 45. I laugh and wait for him to make his comment on the fact that i was drinking a 40, but this does not happen. What ensues is either the result of this man being a compulsive liar or mildly mentally disabled. He was WAF, but I couldn't help myself and spent the whole evening going back for more. I will now list the facts about Don in the order they were revealed to me.

1. Don is a professional wine taster for supermarkets. He drinks "world wines," and his last gig was a few weeks ago at the Kroger on 15-501.
2. To supplement his wine tasting income, Don judges cats. "I'm a cat judger" is what he tells me. "You know, CFA... Cat Fanciers' Association?"
3. Don got into the cat judging industry through his family. He grew up with cats. (Pure breads?)- "Mostly."
4. Don also works at a restaurant at RDU airport.
5. Don was in attendance at a college student event because he "gets emails." (Are you affiliated with Duke in any way?)- "No. but I'm coming here the fall." (Wow, interesting... what are you going to major in?)- "Physics."
6. As soon as Don graduates from Duke with his physics degree, he's going to the culinary institute, because he ultimately wants to be a chef.
7. In high school, Don had the highest GPA in his county- a 4.9.
8. Don attended to a "career high school" (career for what- physics?)- "No. graphic design. and the commercial food service industry"

I don't know what Don is up to today, but it probably involves the CFA and his studio apartment "over by the elementary school." I hope to see Don again some day...and find out of more of his many talents. Or maybe instead I'll find out there's an episode of candid camera with me on it, entertaining an obviously paid actor.