Friday, February 27, 2009

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?
Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.
Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:
  1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
  2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
  3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
  4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
  5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
  6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!
None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mixology 101

The Cement Mixer

I know what I'll be ordering for JPatt this Saturday at Boondocks...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:
  1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
  2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
  3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
    • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
    • conti and bourbon where r u
    • what streets are u at tell me
    • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
    • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
    • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
    • where the rich are u
    • I’m about to take a cab
    • outside??
    • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
    • idk jester pizza
  4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
  5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
  6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
  7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
  8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
  9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
  10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
  11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
  12. drinking king cobra on public transit
  13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
  14. aggressively ribbon dancing
  15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
  16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
  17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
  18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
  19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
  20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

Friday, February 20, 2009

Faculty Poll: Who do you think hijacked the general UGMO account?

Our one reader from Dubai, because of Ray’s blatant Islamophobia.

Boxxy, because JPatt’s jealous of her youth and good looks.

Me, because I do things for teh LULZ.

JPatt, because she’s jealous I have a crush on Boxxy.

Dancing Bears, because they haven’t been tagged in the last 10 entries.

Hallie, because she also does things for teh LULZ.

Hitler, because he took over Poland, so he’d totally take over our blog.

Eva, because she’s afraid Hitler might take over our blog like he did Poland.

Prof Tim, because can you trust a man with that haircut?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini

via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

dating fail in the 'trose

So a guy ditched me on Valentines Day.

Through a text message.

Because he was "tired."

It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.

Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.

Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:

a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor

Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:

a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?

Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.

Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Case study in doing it for Teh LULZ: Last Night

• Get super drunk early in the day off tall boys of King Cobra
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember

Thursday, February 12, 2009

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the LULZ, Part 1

This is the first post in a series of many to come in which I shall discuss my extensive love of teh Internets. Today's lesson will be brief, but is a perfect example of the brilliance that can exist on the intarwebz.

So a few days ago, Dean J. Toy presented a video about Dentistry. If you forgot or never watched it the first time, it can be found here. Then today, this video about kittens has been spreading all around the tubes. And then, as is the natural way of things, someone combined the two into this. So good.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

When plague 2 meets plague 6

I hope everyone is working on their drunken V-Day poetry for the contest…

The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.

Monday, February 9, 2009

25 Things You Must Not Know Bout Me

  1. When Jpatt and Sasquatch are asleep, I go in their room and watch them.
  2. Mollie and I are starting to deal, and we’re accepting PayPal.
  3. I never paid you back for the pink hairspray from the glam rock party
  4. And I’m never going to.
  5. Jordan Catalano will always have a place in my heart, and no matter what.
  6. I had that cute freshman kicked out of the university so that I could ask him out.
  7. After our date at Ripcord, he said that he’s not interested in being my twink slave before pickpocketing me and spending $50 at James Coney Island on my parents’ Visa.
  8. Nobody should own molasses anyway. It’s weird.
  9. The hazelnut handsoap in the downstairs bathroom is actually rancid backwash queso.
  10. I seriously didn’t make out with anyone at the Christmas tree decorating party, so STOP giving me that judgmental eye.
  11. I did make out with Jamal and Mitch from Dream Phone at the slumber party. I’d had three bellinis!
  12. My dad found three champagne corks in the pool pump after New Years.
  13. Mallory, it cost $25 to clean the blanket you/Peter/Jackson soiled that night.
  14. Sometimes I wonder if there is still a contact stuck in the back of my eye from the Halloween party.
  15. I actually do want to go to Dubai, but fear capture by Somalian pirates.
  16. I also wish I’d been at the 2008 Iowa State fair and tried the Salad on a Stick.
  17. I stole Kim’s purse and blamed it on the neighbors.
  18. Just because it was so easy.
  19. You forgot a pack of menthols at my house. I smoke about one a week.
  20. Your vibrator doesn’t just “smell funny”.
  21. I’m actually not all that sterile after all.
  22. Glacia and I secretly dated back in October.
  23. I bought my LOLcat mask directly off the face of a cashier at Michael's for $10.
  24. In retrospect, it was worth $100 in lolz.
  25. I’m not sure if I believe in soulmates, but I wouldn’t mind at least trying with a train hopper or Barbara Walters.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Department Chair Jennifer

Seeing as most faculty members haven't spoken to one another since the great orgy of November '08 that you may or may not have been involved in, here is a great ice breaker from one of our competing websites, the

Someone you've slept with tags you, then once you've been tagged, either go to Planned Parenthood (Montrose Clinic, WHAAZZUP!) -or- write a list of 25 of things about yourself. These can be random facts, goals, (wet) dreams, desires, or musings, etc.

1. I didn't take a long weekend to visit friends in Austin. I had a partial birth abortion & recovered at Hotel ZaZa.

2. Two days later I sucked off the abortion doctor in the storage room of the hotel lobby.

3. I faked all orgasms with my first two "boyfriends."

4. When Ray and Steven go to bed, I wait two hours then sneak into their bedroom and watch them sleep.

5. It was ME who stole Hallie's handle of Titos that fateful night at 3a.m. I blamed the hipster because I was pissed that he wouldn't make out with me.

6. Like acclaimed actor Jamie Lee Curtis, I too was born with both female and male genitalia.

7. I liked that he hit me.

8. It seriously makes me wet when drunk guys confide in me about their mental illnesses and drug problems.

9. I once swallowed a live cockroach for $37.

10. I was so drunk and high that I threw up right after.

11. The cockroach was still alive.

12. I don't see what the big deal is about incest.

13. I never wanted you to become a writer for this blog, but I didn't protest because at the time I wanted to sleep with you. (You know who you are.)

14. I refused treatment for syphilis. Twice.

15. I think the new hipster sexuality is bestiality.

16. I have polaroids to prove this.

(Yeah, it always starts out cute, doesn't it?)

17. I never liked that guy. I just liked the idea of his roommate hearing us fuck.

18. Yeah, I stole the molasses from your party. I used it to make hash oil.
+ =

19. It wasn't just an abnormal pap smear.

20. I actually did want a relationship last spring, just not with you and that weird fucking iguana that peed everywhere.

21. I don't think my fear of beards is all that irrational.

22. If you got a Christmas present from me at any time between 2003 and 2007, then it was shoplifted.

23. I used to deal meth in Northern Alabama. It was pretty fun until someone died.

24. I know how to make a dead body disappear.

25. Your iguana didn't die of natural causes.

P.S. I tag all of you. Respond in a separate post with your 25.

If the Obamas get to have Blackberries

...then I want a Pomegranate Phone!
It looks so versatile! I could see any of the faculty using it during class presentations, to get out of language barriers in Dubai, or even for simple distraction while others splash around in the hot tub. I hear that Pomegranate 2.0 will feature an Emergen-C/vodka mixing function, so we'll have more time to watch "Bring it On" marathons and read about guys JPatt thinks are cute on her personal blog.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Graduate School of Dentistry

Regarding complaints that the students attending our school of dentistry have been abusing their supply of nitrous oxide, Uni GuantanaMontrose would like to issue an official apology. David and his family have been compensated with a tuition-waived UGMo education, and unnecessary amounts of nitrous oxide will now only be used on children ages 12 and older.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Concerning Technical Support & Stolen Office Supplies

Anyone who grew up in the late 90s (so wild!) and was therefore schooled in keyboarding in middle school may recall a certain friendly character from the computer programming arena: the Microsoft Word paperclip, nicknamed Clippit, or Clippy, included in Office 97-2003. As if middle school were not enjoyable enough, you had to have this awful animated asshole all up on your piece while you're trying to type semicolons without looking at the keyboard and fighting off uncontrollable erections and worrying about fucking up your bar mitzvah as some bitch sitting next to you won't stop humming Chumbawumba and UGH I hated that paperclip.

This sort of makes it a lot better, though:
We were unsure where Clippy had disappeared off to after 2003 (the IT guy suggested India, while the Uni registrar remembered hearing something about a bookbinding shop in Montreal), but it seems that Clippy went across the pond. Here we have a British guy wearing a paperclip costume and annoying randoms all over the city. Cheers to you, Clippy.


It seems our great university has finally started to get the recognition (scroll down) it deserves. Kudos to Tour Guide Ray for such an insightful article on physical health.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Poetry Contest

Though poetry is not necessarily a part of either of our curricula, in the spirit of interdisciplinary education and general lulziness, the Dean of LULZtography and I would like to invite students and faculty members to participate in the first annual Valentine's Day Poetry Contest. Though the readings and judging will take place on this inane holiday, poems do not have to focus on love or any other specific subject matter. The drunker you are at the time of writing your poem, the more likely you are to strike upon a moment of poetic genius, much like the Dean did the other evening as we sat around a campfire at the end of a 10-hour day of drinking:

I'll eat a monkey
I'll eat a walnut

Son, you don't know
I'll eat a donkey

You should not be intimidated by this as he has a lot more experience in drinking and completing literary assignments than we would expect from most students, so just give it your best effort and I'm sure you will do quite well. We look forward to hearing all the poems next Saturday! There may even be a special guest judge present, who I'm sure everyone will want to meet!

Mixology 101

To many, the pinnacle of 90’s beverageology was the creation of Crystal Pepsi. Yes, the infamous cola that featured the horrid taste of Pepsi in an exciting, crystal clear format. As excellent as Crystal Pepsi was, it pales in comparison to Cool Colt. “What was Cool Colt?” you ask. Why, it was Colt 45 with mint flavor.

In their ever continuing quest to make malt liquor taste even worse, the geniuses at the National Brewing Company decided their customers wanted to “experience a more contemporary taste in beer.” They believed the addition of mint would nicely accent the robust malt flavor, creating an “innovative and contemporary” drink for the homeless and other 40oz connoisseurs.

While its winter fresh flavor proved unpopular with Colt 45’s loyal customers in the ghetto, we are indebted to this short lived drink. For you see, Cool Colt is the minty, malty grandfather of Sparks and all other alcohol-infused energy drinks. So, the next time you’re with some 18 year old skank or twink who’s blitzed on Sparks, remember thank those men who were brave enough blaze the trail with such a flavor abomination.

I'm pretty sure we invented this but forgot.

Just keep clicking the button.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Miss Yousef, Do You Like Mermaids?

Apparently there is another party mecca with the title Access. Reads the NYT article:

Ms. Yousef picked up her new language and thinking skills as part of Access, an after school English language program that is a small, almost invisible corner of the United States Department of State’s multibillion-dollar budget . . . Access arrived in Egypt about two years ago and 182 teenagers from all over the country, Christians and Muslims, young men and young women, have graduated from the program. The only requirement is that they come from poor families.

(more here, I totes identified w/ Rizk Massoud's statement)

I know that UniGuaMo is a private institution, where the only requirement is that the students be either Athiests or wayward Jews from upper middle class families, but I would still <3 a few dollars from the Department of State. I think we need to get Hillary, Miss Yousef and probably Mallory (b/c she speaks Spanish) all in a room together to work something out, eh?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wake n' Bacon

I promise an automatic conferral of a PhD in Bacon Engineering to anyone who can successfully replicate or access this invention and delivers it to me for my birthday:

Click here to read more.

Reasons why EaDo maybe isn't that bad

EaDo* (East Downtown) isn't as bad as we think, although it is nowhere near as hip and gay as SoMo.

Reasons EaDo doesn't suck THAT hard:

1. Hipster parties
They're not that bad! Paul throws them with a bunch of hip hipsters in this big 'ole warehouse full of dark make-out corners. They might tell you to pay $5 for all-you-can-drink keg and bar, but the cover is really just a suggestion. I find it quite effective to slam down a crumpled one dollar bill, announce that it should cover all your friends, then make a mad dash to the pulsing— yes, pulsing— dance floor.

2. Ramesh from Voxtrot
Even though Ramesh thinks I'm totally crazy and in love with his guitarist Mitch, I still like seeing him every now and then and shouting maniacally, "RAMESH! RAMESH! You played at my friend's birthday party and you lived next door to Sparker and oh my god we're hanging out again. I'm like a celebrity, Ramesh!" He loves hearing stuff like that. Anyway, yeah, when Ramesh or any of the Voxtrotters are in Houston, they go to EaDo and play crazy after parties.

Last March's Voxtrot after party featured torches. How romantic and tribal and hip!

Then I climbed up onto this weird tractor thing with an indie guy in a funny hat! Look how happy I was! I haven't been that happy since, like, Ray was in town.

3. Drugs
Now I don't know about this one for sure, but when I was wasted and making out with some fixster (that's a fixed gear hipster, obvi) I think I witnessed a pot deal take place in a parking lot. EaDo is so dangerous that chances are you could find a dead body on the corner and just take the pot right out of the corpse's pockets and be on your merry way. Did you hear that? FREE POT!

4. Train hoppers
The last time I was in EaDo for that warehouse party I vaguely remember stumbling over some train tracks. Train tracks mean trains. And trains mean train hoppers!

(OMG, cute! According to the comments on the flickr account, his name is Poïo. Everywhere they went all he wanted to do was "watch America's Funniest Home Videos and go on 'dark missions.'" He sounds great!)

Train hopper guys also are pretty cool because you don't have to worry about them not calling you since they don't believe in phones and definitely don't have computers. Instead, they contact you through indie things like messenger pigeons and postcards from jail.

5. Dancing hipsters... and DANCING BEARS
If you don't like hipsters, then you probably like dancing. If you don't like dancing, then you probably like hipsters. And everyone likes dancing bears. Jacob Calle, (pictured below in yellow hoodie) has a bear costume and frequently wears it and dances around. He received media attention as the Hurricane Ike Bear.

Here is my cousin E-Patt (with raised arm) enjoying an EaDo party with Jacob. They're pretty fucking hip and do not go to parties with high school kids, just smelly fixster guys with skinny jeans and attitudes. If you still worry that the EaDo guys are in high school, rest assured that I ran background checks on the last six IDs I stole from Paul's party. Yeah, they had felonies, but they def weren't in high school. They dropped out of that shit years ago.

*For the argument's sake, I have included the perhaps too far north warehouse district in EaDo. Deal with it.

Brunelleschi minus Brunelleschi

Garfield minus Garfield

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Global Express

According to our sitemeter, we have a reader in Dubai!!
Just thought y'all should know.

Also, I just wanted to ask our reader in Dubai to please not hate me for pointing out the hypocrisy of his/her/this mermaid's land. I do not hate you as an individual; I just think your country (or rather unjust/undemocratic/suppressive kingdom) is a horrible hypocritical cauldron of sin. Anyway, enjoy your indoor, energy-sucking ski-slope  and shit.


Apparently, we have competition. A nonexistent neighborhood has formed out of the ashes of Ike and possibly the warehouse party Hallie, Jpatt, Karate Kid and I snuck into last fall. This comes like "a unicorn getting punched in the face," a phrase used by one EaDo promoter.

Reasons SoMo (South Montrose) beats EaDo (East Downtown):
-SoMo has greater access to TAs and guys Jpatt thinks are cute. It's also closer to the toho residents' OTL physicians/therapists/hot tub.
-EaDo has greater access to the ship channel? idek.
-SoMo has both martini bars and numerous late night TexMex hotspots.
-EaDo probably does have Ninfa's on Navigation, but that is not where "the beauitful people meet to eat."
-SoMo is a much shorter walk from karaoke at The Cellar.
-EaDo may have a grafitti "art" gallery, but SoMo has a world-class university and a classy CVS with fun, "dynamic" employees.
-Amtrak does not service EaDo.

Both seem to be equidistant to Samantha Ronson's chosen venue, but we're working on an expansion project of the patio at the toho to lure her into our sexy domain.

Mixology 101

Personal experience speaks louder than words. Let's just say I've had a few of these, and MMMmmmMmMmmmmMmmm, GOTTA LOVE 'EM!

1 part water mixed with an emergen-C packet
1 part vodka

Put vodka in shaker with ice, shake until cold. Put vodka in martini glass, add water, add E-mergency packet. Stir. Serve. Enjoy!

Monday, February 2, 2009

ew, sick!

I contacted the University of Guantanamontrose Health Department today, and together we regret to inform students and faculty that I, the Department Chair of Drama Llama Studies, have fallen ill. As a safety precaution, we ask that everyone gets a meningitis vaccine. (Or, as an equally effective alternative to the costly vaccine, students can add a package of Emergen-C to their vodka.)

I do not have meningitis nor have I been in contact with anyone with the disease. However, as a prestigious university we feel obligated to have at least one meningitis scare per semester.

I'm currently following in the footsteps of the heroic Tour Guide Ray and completely denying my illness. Tomorrow I will attend the much anticipated indie debauchery of Broken Social Scene in order to meet SHSGs and hipsters as research for my 2009 thesis, tentatively titled "Failing at Dating in the 'Strose."