Guaranteed Admission to UGMo

As the Fall Semester begins, I know many high school seniors are beginning to prepare their applications for admission to the esteemed University of GuantanaMontrose for next year. I just wanted to provide a quick tip for those who aspire to join our wonderful academic society: Be sure to include evidence of ways in which you embody the spirit and ideals upon which UniG was founded. Here is an example of some precocious young girls who were already hoping to be accepted way back in 2002 before our university was even created:

These girls exhibit their extreme love of queso, which is one of the important criteria for being accepted to UGMo.

Please be sure to complete your applications and submit them for review by the Chancellor and Deans no later than December 15th, 2009. After that date, the entire UniG faculty and staff will be too wasted to know what an application even is. Thank you.

Don: Cat Judger Extraordinaire

Last night a met a man... a man of many talents, and of weird, awkward sentences.

setting: BYOB coffeehouse
event: UNC vs. Duke Battle of the Bands

I feel a tap on my shoulder and a middle-aged man says "you thirsty?" and gestures towards my Colt 45. I laugh and wait for him to make his comment on the fact that i was drinking a 40, but this does not happen. What ensues is either the result of this man being a compulsive liar or mildly mentally disabled. He was WAF, but I couldn't help myself and spent the whole evening going back for more. I will now list the facts about Don in the order they were revealed to me.

1. Don is a professional wine taster for supermarkets. He drinks "world wines," and his last gig was a few weeks ago at the Kroger on 15-501.
2. To supplement his wine tasting income, Don judges cats. "I'm a cat judger" is what he tells me. "You know, CFA... Cat Fanciers' Association?"
3. Don got into the cat judging industry through his family. He grew up with cats. (Pure breads?)- "Mostly."
4. Don also works at a restaurant at RDU airport.
5. Don was in attendance at a college student event because he "gets emails." (Are you affiliated with Duke in any way?)- "No. but I'm coming here the fall." (Wow, interesting... what are you going to major in?)- "Physics."
6. As soon as Don graduates from Duke with his physics degree, he's going to the culinary institute, because he ultimately wants to be a chef.
7. In high school, Don had the highest GPA in his county- a 4.9.
8. Don attended to a "career high school" (career for what- physics?)- "No. graphic design. and the commercial food service industry"

I don't know what Don is up to today, but it probably involves the CFA and his studio apartment "over by the elementary school." I hope to see Don again some day...and find out of more of his many talents. Or maybe instead I'll find out there's an episode of candid camera with me on it, entertaining an obviously paid actor.

Access...

Dirty Dancing

Someone find me these kids, I want to offer them scholarships to the University of GuantanaMontrose immediately. 

I think they way they handled the situation is hilarious, I appreciate that they are clearly straight but don't feel that their masculinity or heterosexuality is threatened at all by dancing with and touching each other, and we certainly do not discourage dirty dancing at ACCESS or anywhere else on campus. In fact, I'd say it's pretty much required. Forget football or swimming or lacrosse, grinding is the only activity officially supported by the UGMo Department of Physical Education. Well, the only one I'm allowed to discuss on this moderately work-safe blog, anyway...