Friday, January 30, 2009

UGMo Bible

I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.

Excerpts might resemble the following:

GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Physical Education Department

This semester, when I showed up to my favorite bowling class (yes, Reed requires PE, and yes, I chose bowling) the instructor handed me a notice that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes would no longer be permitted. Though I need this credit to graduate come May, I did not hesitate in my violent protest. Clearly, this was a violation of the very fundamentals of the "sport" and/or "activity" that is bowling. I mean, I chose this PE specifically knowing it was the only one available during which participants could actually GAIN weight. Much to my dismay, however, my cries were unheeded, and the rules remained.
In response to this travesty, I will voice my frustrations here and propose a various list of "sports" or "physical activities" that, though unavailable here, would certainly be tolerated at UG.
  1. Catching Chocolate Chips in One's Mouth: MTuTh. Though participates do consume calories, the amount of physical exertion necessary for proper catching far out weights the miniscule trans fat of one chocolate chip. Mini-chocolate chips will also be avaliable.
  2. Walking to and from bars, as oppose to driving. MTuWThFSaSu. Quite the obvious solution. Walking home might even count as a double PE credit, since  balancing on flat ground for a drunk probably equals that of a 13 year-old gymnast on a balance beam. Incidentally, I am the only UG faculty member to have exercised (pun) this option over winter break. Unfortunately, the circumstances under which this endeavor occurred are probably not the most agreeable, seeing as slapping one's boyfriend and running out of a karaoke bar probably are not common occurrences among UG campus members. Then again...
  3. Cigarette Breaks. MTuWThFSaSu. Once again, this may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. In most situations, other than Club Bridge and the SoMoToHo, the outside of a venue usually requires significant movement and walking. Think of South Beach... Additionally, the physical movement of one's arm certainly must be working some muscle? Finally, all the French smoke, and they have the longest life expectancy in the world...
  4. Shaken, Not Stirred. ThFSa. Using a shaker not only requires much larger physical movement than simply stirring a drink, but the dish washing necessary afterwards also burns cals. Not to mention, if I know UG campus members, using a shaker will probably lead to some sort of disaster involving spillage, in which case mopping and other sanitation activities would also require physical exertion.
  5. Body Shots w/ Prof. Tim. MTuW. But only on air hockey tables. This also will have a conference portion for discussing who actually is exerting more effort out of the shot-er and shot-e.
  6. Karaoke. WFSu. All songs must be hip-hop and a performance of both singing AND dancing is expected.
  7. Grinding. Always.
  8. ADVANCED: Learning the Dance to Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies." SSu. My personal favorite! This actually might cause a heart attack for most of us, but for those select few, the rewards are both obvious and boundless. For inspiration and demonstration click here.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mixology 101

(makes 1 drink)

A little spice added to today’s cocktails is all the rage. And fresh mint and cooling watermelon play a sexy counterpoint to the jalapeno in this summertime tequila refresher.

1 lime wedge
¼ cup watermelon chunks
3 sprigs fresh mint
1 sliced fresh jalapeno chile
1 ½ ounces tequila
¼ ounce melon liqueur
1 ½ ounces pineapple juice
Garnish: small watermelon triangle

Squeeze lime wedge into cocktail shaker, then drop in wedge. Add all other ingredients (except garnish). Fill a large glass with ice, then transfer ice to shaker and shake vigorously. Pour entire contents into large glass. Garnish with melon wedge.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

UGMo Faculty Conference Calls

Due to the recent relocations of faculty to the Durham and Portland areas, important correspondence concerning university protocol and events have been forced to take place via satellite. Video chatting and phonography have played crucial roles in maintaining current levels of network integrity, but the discovery of screen sharing has greatly increased the productivity of these meetings. For those unaware, screen sharing allows the individuals to hear and speak to one another, and allows one individual to see and partially take control of the other person's screen, leaving the two to battle over the mouse and keyboard. With cooperation however, sharing provides faculty with a great number of opportunities.

Some suggestions for future screen sharing sessions include:
  • ichat another faculty member and ask them to share their screen, thereby giving 3 people control over one screen
  • search "porn" in the other person's spotlight
  • blog in the other person's name
  • take over their itunes and perform karaoke together
  • youtube every episode of my so-called them together and design a syllabus for a new course offering
  • create and apply a new theme for their ichat that includes multiple pictures of patty and sound bites from Danielle, including "this is so unfair- my life is so edited!"
  • download and engage in this power hour game; consider combining this option with the first suggestion
  • visit a down-low blog and discuss the implications
  • design LOLcats, specifically ones including Lexus and diabetes campaigns
Keep these proposals in mind when conference calls for official Uni business are in order.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Train wreck on the Uni campus




Counseling is available to both students and faculty who witnessed the terrifying events that occurred at the SoMoToHo campus last Saturday night. Our hearts go out to the victims of this tragic train wreck.

Mother Mary would be jealous

This morning woke up from a nightmare that I gave birth to twin rabbits— naked, blind, screaming rabbits. The birthing bunnies thing didn't perplex me. I wanted to know how the fuck I became pregnant in the first place. These buns were screaming, and I was pissed.

Then they started nursing and wrecked my boobs. Then the little tit-ruining bastards had the nerve to fucking die on me.

That's how it works: you play Virgin Mary for some lagomorphs and they repay you with death.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

Friday, January 23, 2009

LOLspeak Lesson


From internet slang (abbreviation of Laughing Out Loud) and from French holocauste, from Late Latin holocaustum, from the neuter form of Ancient Greek ὁλόκαυστος, from ὅλος (holos), “‘whole’”) + καύστος (kaustos), “‘burnt’”) from καίω (kaiō), “‘I burn’”)


LOLocaust (plural LOLocausts)

LULZ obtained from racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, or pretty much any other form of bigotry in existance.


* * *
Double the LOLocaust for them interviewing the black guy with the Dutch accent:
“Pouple alvays dou tings that are offensive to eachodter.”

Thursday, January 22, 2009

"Grackles on Montrose" by Mark Doty

Eight o’clock, warm Houston night, and in the parking lot
the grackles hold forth royally, in thick trees on the lip of traffic,

and either they’re oblivious to the street-rush
and come-and-go at the Kroger or else they actually like it,

our hurry a useful counter to their tintinnabulation.
Now one’s doing the Really Creaky Hinge, making it last a long time;

now Drop the Tin Can, glissando, then Limping Siren,
then it’s back to the Hinge done with a caesura

midstream, so it becomes a Recalcitrant Double Entry.
What are they up to, these late, randy singers,

who seem to shiver the whole tree in pleasure
when somebody gets off a really fierce line,

aerial gang of pirate deejays remixing their sonics
above the median strip all up and down the block

from here to the Taco Cabana? They sample Bad Brakes,
they do Tea Kettle in Hell, Slidewhistle into Car Alarm,

Firecracker with a Bright Report, and every feathered body—
how many of them are there, obscured by dense green?

seems to cackle over that one, incendiary rippling, pure
delight, imperious and impure singing: the city’s traffic in tongues,

polyglot cantata, awry, expansive, new.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Final Review

As the optional inaugural Winter Term of UniGuantanaMontrose draws to a close, I thought it appropriate that we have a little review session before the final exam. Use these study questions to help prepare yourself for the test, which will be taking place on Friday, January 23, 2009.

1. Approximately how much time must pass after a group of gay men enters a hot tub before one of them gets naked and encourages the rest to do the same? Discuss the results of this action.

2. Describe the appropriate way to behave in the following situations: 
a. When at RICH'S to see LA's celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson.
b. When at Chapultapec and want to be served alcohol after 2am.
c. When you've had too much to drink and want to leave the party.

3. Choose three of these UGMo hangouts to compare and contrast: Poison Girl, Ernie's, Club Bridge, Boondocks, The Cellar, Guava Lamp, Boheme.

4. Write a sentence or two to explain the importance of each of these people (or groups):
a. Adam
b. Mel
c. Peter Marks
d. Bill
e. The Cops
f. Hipsters
g. The bartender from The Cellar
h. The girl from Kenya
i. SHSGs
j. The bartender from JR's

5. Create a hypothesis regarding how many nights in a row it is possible for a group of 20-somethings to get completely wasted, stay up til 3-4-5-6-7am, hook up with randoms, get cars and other property lost/stolen/towed/wrecked, eat gallons of queso, write about it all on a blog, and somehow still avoid death.

Good luck, students! I hope you have a successful end of the term and are ready to start fresh in the Spring 2009 semester. 


Alternative mascot

With debate still raging between the bitterly divided factions of those who favor a dancing bear and those who desire an anthropomorphic bacon-pope, the university is still lacking a mascot. Perhaps a solution can be found with the suggestion of an alternative mascot. In this case, a dog howling along to the Law and Order theme song:

When considering this mascot, not only must we factor in that the Law and Order theme song is pretty much the pinnacle of musical achievement, but also the various other applications of our mascot. A dog would be able to:

1) Protect vodka from hipsters
2) Chase off dudes wanting a threesome
3) Fetch beer so you won’t have to lie to frat boys about being a diabetic with bad circulation so they will get beer for you
4) Pretend to be your seeing eye dog for when you barge into the wrong apartment, use a strangers bathroom, and then demand beer from the stranger. Blind people can get away with stuff like that.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

LOLercoaster of the Day

A remix of our favorite reporter informing girls: "you have a dick."

A Note Concerning Last Night by Visiting Professor Mal

So here's a new thing I learned. If you tell a girl that you're sterile, she'll totally fuck you without a condom. Now, I couldn't help but wonder about two things. One, how the fuck does someone even find that out about themselves? And two, how drunk does the girl have to be to believe such a line? I now know the answer to this second quandry. And the answer is "as drunk as I was last night". Lish.

Troubles on Campus

I am writing to inform all community members that the events of last night have officially caused the janitorial staff of the University to go on strike. At this time, we are uncertain of the repercussion of this, but we imagine Club Access and the SoMoToHo will probably not be in a sanitary state for the rest of the weekend. The deans are in discussion with the janitors, and both sides hope to have a speedy negotiation. The only campus facility still in proper condition is Club Bridge, as the recent low temperatures have led campus members to utilize other venues. Tonight, however, it is a balmy 63 degrees, and the faculty hopes that students will heed the advice of avoiding the above mentioned uncleaned areas in favor of Club Bridge.
That's all.
P.S. Mal will be happy to find plenty of HSGs accessing the 59.
P.P.S. We all hope this tempest will pass soon.

Bad Things Happen to Not So Good People

Last night was a very careful dance of evading another threesome. It also was a night of going out to a bar, getting trashed, and then coming back home and finishing off a whole new bottle of vodka before bed. Why, oh why, and when, oh when, did we all decide pre and post-parties are a necessary part of any night out? I woke up at 11am and realized I'd completely missed my flight and five calls from my family. Looks like I've also evaded a mandatory family trip.

I think it's about time for Uniguantanmontrose to start up for the semester because I am in serious need of edification in Hallie's "Good Decisions v. Bad Decisions 101." Looks like avoiding threesomes is a good decision, but getting wasted and missing flights is a bad one.

I don't know how this blog has devolved to my drunken antics, but I guess it was bound to happen?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The new About Me section

UGM has updated its About Me section with a brief description of its founders and adjunct faculty. We are now taking submissions for the official photo icon. (Department Chair Jennifer used the university's coat of arms for this photo opportunity but feels that something more outrageous might be in order.)

All faculty members are urged to upload a photo as well as pen a description of how they contribute to this prestigious university for inclusion in their respective About Me sections.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Overheard at Uniguantanamontrose

Boy: What's more of an issue: global warming or a shortage of hispanic bottoms?

Security Breach

The University of Guantanamontrose is not posting out of pity this time. Instead, we, as a community, are taking a stand against the injustices to honor, principles, and private property experienced in the past few days.

In the past month, members of the community (mostly faculty) have collectively had two cars towed, another "misplaced for 24 hours," and two more broken into "on campus" via smashed windows. We have had a handle of Tito's, two bank statements, two credit cards, two driver's licenses, and $17.45 in cash stolen. Credit purchases on said cards have amounted to $23.99 at James Coney Island, $22.87 at Exxon, and $55.55 at South Beach (oops, that last one might have been mine...) We have also had a minor amount of pot and a large amount of cigarettes mysteriously disappear.

This list does not even include things Unigauntanamontrose members thought disappeared but later found out (through photographic evidence) that they in fact consumed unawares.
If crimes of this nature continue, the University may have to take dire actions. We are already downsizing on campus party funds. The school will also strive to maintain a "certain level of quality" in members allowed to matriculate. Our standards have been raised; our generosity diminished. It's time for a new Gauntanamontrose.

On a more pleasant note, Unigauntanmontrose would like to share a small piece of kharma and campus pride. One of our very own has finally made it on Stuff White People Like. We are very proud and delicately elated at how dashingly buff a said someone looks in the photo SWPL discovered. I wish camera angles did that to me!

Finally, I feel the Community must actually face the issue of brothels in the SOMO and NOMO vicinity and their aggressive monopolization of both HPD and campus security. While at Agora for happy hour on Monday, several members of the UG faculty witnessed a brothel fight. Two women, neither wearing shoes, yelled and screamed at a shirtless man in front of a building made of cinder-blocks and held together with chewing gum. It took no less than 10 minutes for 3 cop cars to show up and "mediate" this brawl. Why did this brothel get so much more attention than the non-existent response provided by HPD to the campus during said vodka-stealing incidents?

We find the allocation of city utilities and their inability to cooperate with our own forces revolting. Perhaps, as a reparation, the U.S. government can give UG all the troops from our namesake in Cuba after Obama closes the operation? I'll leave this acquisition and its proper handling open as a topic for discussion.

Long Live Guantanamontrose!

Dirty Dancing

Someone find me these kids, I want to offer them scholarships to the University of GuantanaMontrose immediately. 

I think they way they handled the situation is hilarious, I appreciate that they are clearly straight but don't feel that their masculinity or heterosexuality is threatened at all by dancing with and touching each other, and we certainly do not discourage dirty dancing at ACCESS or anywhere else on campus. In fact, I'd say it's pretty much required. Forget football or swimming or lacrosse, grinding is the only activity officially supported by the UGMo Department of Physical Education. Well, the only one I'm allowed to discuss on this moderately work-safe blog, anyway...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Talking Heads

Tour Guide Ray has just proposed the commissioning of a hall of busts of the founders of Uni Guantanamontrose. Thoughts?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Grant proposal idea

As the Dean of Drama Llama Studies, I feel almost obligated to discuss the topic of babies. Babies cause a lot of drama. (See the terms 'baby drama' and 'baby mama drama.')

Recently I've begun writing a grant proposal to research why women are obsessed with natural births, even when it means intense pain and wrecking their vadges forever.

I got this wonderful thesis idea back when Steven and had free cable. I watched a fair amount of TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" for initial research material. All of these preggers women insisted on natural births. In one such case, the lady's baby was upside down and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.

After what seemed like hours of persuading, she finally caved and agreed to a Caesarean section. But she wanted a vaginal birth after c-section!

The doc was already slicing her open, partially removing the behbeh, and she still wanted the thing to shoot out of her? I simply do not understand.

I would want that thing out of me stat, preferably days (or weeks? months?) before my due date. Maybe this is because as an unwed college twenty-something my top four fears are:

1. Walgreens running out of US Weekly (Had a nightmare about that last night: will post later!)
2. There not being any hot straight guys at Poison Girl
3. Pregnancy
4. Hipsters stealing my vodka

University of Guantanamontrose Department of Public Safety announcement

This is a reminder to both faculty and students that unless properly qualified in the fields of animal husbandry and training, dancing bears are not to be kept as pets. With the increased popularity of dancing bears as pets of the rich and famous, the desire to own one yourself is understandable. However, without the knowledge needed to correctly condition such an animal, the results can be disastrous. The university has already had one such accident, the New Years Eve mauling of guest lecturer Peter.

Visiting the university to provide a three part lecture on the subject of “Fail at life,” Peter was fortunate to have escaped with only minor abrasions and puncture wounds to his neck. He was recovered enough in a week to be prowling Prof. Rosenberg’s party for drunk, desperate women, but the next victim of a dancing bear attack may not be so lucky. We cannot reiterate this point enough; unless your are trained in the required areas of expertise, you should not have a dancing bear as a pet.

A graphic reminder of what can happen from an improperly trained dancing bear

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Garden of Eatin'

I spent the day today with Duke's chapter of ASCE (pretty much this but mostly girls) at a Canstruction Competition at Marbles Children's Museum in Raleigh. For those of you unfamiliar with Canstruction, here are some examples. I spent most of the time thinking about how much ray would hate it and how into it hallie would probably get, as well as wanting to kill everyone else there. Anyway the theme of the competition was "Garden of Eatin'"... i don't think anything else needs to be said about that. And our theme was "Upside down Underground," which consisted of a carrot, onion, and beet, built as if you were looking underground...upside down! And to top it off, we filled the entire 10x10 square with baked beans to look like dirt. It was so awful, and it ended up looking like a weird interpretation of Boston (beantown...featuring harvard, a red sox stadium, and a BCG skyscraper headquarters). At one point a giant bean tower fell over on top of me, which...was worth it for the comedic value I suppose.
So we finished up our thing and my friend Sam and I went to explore Raleigh a bit. Actually I just wanted a sandwich, but it ended up being a little more exploratory then planned. We ended up eating at Angelo's, and just as we sit down a man outside falls and has a seizure, and another man tries to help him but he starts batting him away. Angela (Angelo's daughter perhaps?) calls 911 or something, and at this point the seizure man is up and standing. He's cut his thumb a bit, but otherwise seems to be doing all right. To my surprise, a firetruck and ambulance show up literally within a minute to assist with the aftermath of this very dramatic seizure. Well the great part of this story is that Angela informs us that this same man had a seizure the week before at the bus station and some hooligans robbed him! Anyway, the whole situation just really brought out everyone's true colors. Angela kept coming over and proclaiming to the room "I mean, I was jus tryin to save him!" Me and Sam couldn't get over the fact that a man who had a seizure also had his belongings seized. And everyone else was pressed up against the window watching 6 paramedics work on a man with essentially only a bloody finger. This also brought up the concept of free healthcare (or rather... free ambulance rides and triage?) for the homeless, and I came up with my next, great, save-the-world idea: homeless people and parcour. If you are homeless and walkin around all day, it is time to change that walk into parcour. And who cares if you get injured- you have all the ambulances and EMS people you could want to help you. Plus, people will youtube you and you will possibly, maybe get some sort of income for your vagabond activities.

I think the day can be best summed up with a quote from episode 6 of My So-Called Life: "field trips are intense."

And just so y'all don't think my life has gone entirely down the toilet, I will say this about last night: First off, duke sort of has a nightclub similar to ACCESS, but it's actually in the form of the duke coffeehouse. At night they have dance parties sometimes and it's BYOB. I ended up there and at the pinhook for another fipster (fake hipster?) dance party. And i say dance party because not only were they both detailed as such, but also because I danced the entire time like a psycho. This includes dancing on stage and accessing microphone stands (sans microphones), eating someone's birthday cake with my FACE...before any pieces had been cut, and being driven home by a creepster (creepy fipster?).

someone please come visit me.

Things That Will Not Be Tolerated At UGMo, Part 1

I fucking hate hipsters. To me they are the lowest of the low, the most inconsiderate scum on this earth. Say what you will about terrorists or whatever the fuck else, I don't care, hipsters need to go DIAF. Hipsters are like party terrorists. They ruin my night, make me hate everything, and show no respect for anyone or anything.

Tonight was the opening night of Club Access and it was supposed to be a fun time, but I almost would have rather been at home putting away my laundry and watching Wednesday night's episode of Top Chef on my DVR. I don't know how these people learned about the party or if they even knew anyone there, but they were not at all a positive addition to the scene. 

Several times I went back and forth from the inside of the SoMoToHo to the front where some people were hanging out. A half dozen or so of these awful hipsters were clustered on the stoop, preventing me from easily passing through the front door. Maybe it was annoying of me to keep going through, but really, they could have moved off the stoop onto the sidewalk after the first time I went through the middle of them. I wasn't even the only one, other people were coming and going as well, but it never even crossed their minds to relocate their conversation 5 feet away to allow an unobstructed flow of movement to occur.

Finally I was so fed up with them completely ignoring my need to pass that I shouted "EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE FUCKING DOOR!" as I maneuvered my way through. I ran inside as they called me names and judged me for being so unhip as to have wanted to walk through the door of a house that I belonged at because I am fairly good friends with the people who live there and I don't think a single one of them could have told you Steven or JPatt's names. 

I tried to limit my interactions with this crowd from that point on, and I was fairly successful to this end, but the hipster-created drama of this night was not over. Later in the course of the party, a new handle of vodka was unveiled, and maybe 2 or 3 of us accessed drinks from it. Not thinking anything of it, I left the handle sitting on the counter, as often occurs during parties at the SoMoToHo. A few minutes later, Ray came to ask me where the vodka was, assuming I might have hidden it somewhere. This was not the case and upon extensive searching, the handle could not be found, so there is little left to do that to assume that some asshole, upon leaving, glanced into the kitchen, noticed the mostly full bottle of Tito's, and absconded with it before we were any the wiser.

They probably laughed to their friends as they left the scene of the crime, congratulating themselves on scoring free booze and ruining our night even more. Whether they did this as a "fuck you, your party was lame" move or if they just don't have any manners and just thought they could take whatever they damn well pleased, I don't know. But stealing alcohol from a party is a dick move no matter what. Especially when the hosts have been providing you with drinks all night. I wasn't even a host of this party, nor did I have anything to do with purchasing the stolen goods, but I have some common sense and decency enough to know that you just don't fucking do that. I mean that didn't even happen at the party with the most epic hipster invasion I've ever experienced, the one that yielded this. That night was a whole other type of mess though.

Anyway, I want nothing to do with these assholes and the next time I have to be around them it will be too soon. Affirmative action be damned, as the co-founder and namer of the University of GuantanaMontrose, I hereby declare that they shall not be granted admission or access to our center of learning.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Quarantined at the SoMoToHo (ie This is What Happens When I Post at 420)

Approximately a month ago, I came home from school and had a horrible winter cold. For the first weekend back I was too busy drinking and having 3-somes to notice that it was still hiding behind the veils of my mucus. Well, quelle surprise, the sickness re-emerged 3 days before my family vacation to the Third World.
In hopes of having me attend the vacation (likely) and successfully deliver his holiday gift baskets (more likely,) my dad prescribed me a set of antibiotics. I know this is not normal, and that one can grow a tolerance to such drugs and thereby make them ineffective, but I figured why not do it just this once! Plus, my dad seemed to think it was a good idea, even if blackmail for illegal unpaid labor was included in his logic(delivering gift baskets or going on family vacations, you pick.) So, I take the pills, and two days in I feel WONDERFULLY better! I immediately stop taking them, not realizing they're not the same thing as NyQuil, because now that I am well, why continue remembering to take pills.
Five days go by, and at dinner on the vacation my dad asks if I've finished my antibiotics. I casually say no, I have not. Then proceed to get a lecture about how you have to continue taking them. That night, before bed, I start them again.
Two days go by, I am on vacation, and clearly, I don't give a fuck! So duh, I forget about them again.
Now, four weeks after it all began, I am home and in pain. I am dead. I have sleept for a successful 48 hours, and have not left the house in 3 days. I did, today, go drink a $30 pitcher of margaritas, but I'm not really counting this because it was charity work. Best of all, my boyfriend is dressing like he's gay, single and ready to mingle in ~!@1~BARCELONA~1@!~ again... Strange things happen when you hibernate, but after all, isn't that what winter is all about?
Anyway, I am back on the antibiotics (which ironically don't seem to be working quite as well this time) and think I'm going to die. My mom is convinced I have developed a "Super Bug" and won't let me come home. I am currently writing this blog from Steven's mosquito-infested patio (thought I left malaria behind in Panama with the last antibiotic regime?) because I cannot stand Steven watching "My So Called Life" 24/7 as his passive-aggressive punishment for me being sick and forcing him to stay home and take care of me.
This is the part where you pray for me to get better!
Hope to see you guys on-campus again soon! I hear there may be a big party tomorrow night. GG never sleeps.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


When I came home from step aerobics this evening I overheard Ray say something about Dubai. I google imaged that shit, and OH MY GOD LET'S GO THERE!

I'm not really sure where/what it is, but let's fucking go!


I think I read an US Weekly article about this place. (Did J-Anniston go there? Probs. She goes everywhere cool.) From what I gathered it's all the hedonism and glitz of Vegas with shiny, cray-cray architecture and beaches beaches BEACHES! Do you see the shore line? Look at that first picture again.


It's too bad that Australia is so far away.

Re: On-Campus Drinking

The University's student pub/nightclub, ACCESS, offers a more legitimate alternative to the underground substance-infused scene at Club Bridge. The "Rosetta Stone" will serve as the signature cocktail at Access. Clearly Campari will hold centerstage:

Rosetta Stone

1 1/2 oz Campari
1/2 oz creme de cassis
2 oz club soda
1.57 ice cubes
blood orange wedge

Serve in highball glass.

If serving to underage girls, add 4 oz peach shnapps. Girls love peach schnapps.

Fuck Dubai

I hate Dubai. It is the most disgusting place on Earth. Any city that submits to a culture that oppresses women, gays, poor people and simultaneously harbors terrorist capital should not be making a living on the most ornate and ostentatious development of sin and pleasure since Las Vegas. Where on Earth is all their money coming from? I know it's not oil (only 6% of GDP according to Wiki;) so clearly, it's from terrorists. Am I the only one who sees this? They're sucking Westerners in to gamble, drink, and fuck prostitutes; then they allow and even support organizations that later will fly jet liners into our office buildings. 
Why the fuck do you need to go to Dubai? To see a flat desert that's been drained of oil? To shop at the biggest Prada store in the world? To go fucking skiing?! I do not get it. Dubai sucks!!! I'm so angry right now!!!
I was tagging various labels to this post when I realized that maybe Dubai isn't so bad... I mean, I basically can tag any label to this post because Dubai is so fucking redic. that it works. Ugh. I lose...

Monday, January 5, 2009

Rosetta Stone and Its Healing Properties

I recently was driving behind an 18-wheeler and noticed a drivers wanted sign on the back. For a moment I thought, that doesn't sound like that awful of a job...they make a fair amount of money. I allowed my mind to wander...what would I do while driving all day? Use that radio thing to talk to other drivers? Drink Dr. Pepper constantly and invent a car version of the bed pan? Was there any possibility for productivity? That's when it hit me-- rosetta stone. My plan was simple: Drive trucks for a few months while I became fluent in another language, then apply to work for, and from there, I could do anything! Then I realized that if I could do this, any truck driver could! What were they thinking sittin up on them radios all day using weirdo names and talking about King of the Hill? This idea clearly needed to be mass marketed to truck drivers around the globe.

Later that week I was watching the Tyra show. The episode was about women in the sex industry, and how they could get out of it. They didn't really have many plausible options in my opinion, and it was then that I realized the answer again was rosetta stone. They could become at least conversationally fluent, expand their client base and save all extra money they were earning. Then, again, applications to would be in order.

Overall, I really believe in the Rosetta Stone Revolution. Who wants to get it started?
I suppose if it doesn't take off, I at least have a pretty good back up plan for graduation. Hallie perhaps you should consider this as well? You and your truck driver persona "Bacon Bits" would probably be pretty popular on that radio network.

I.D.E.K. About Last Night

Okay, the most recent post by Hallie really does propose an interesting concept in rationality and morality becoming a core value for instruction at UniGuantanamontrose. As for Tim's Mission Statement, I'll file that under "good decisions" for the moment.

So after reading about Hallie's most recent toils and troubles, I feel much less shameful about the mayhem that I partook in. In Hallie's defense there were many other "going ons about the party" that should be shared.
  1. We played Dreamphone in a Lion King tent. The only thing that kept us from being 8 year-old girls was the fact that we were getting drunk and leaving said tent to smoke cigarettes every 15 minutes.
  2. Jtoy showed up to the party and already had a concussion.
  3. Steven's entire street ended up at the party at some point. His nearest neighbors (a gay brother and a lesbian sister) came to the party at 1 am with dates.
  4. They then returned again at 4 am for more.
  5. A random guy from across the street showed up at 3 am carrying 2 forties and suitcases. We thought he was moving in, but it turns out he just had an early morning flight to Costa Rica and didn't want to bother trying to sleep.
  6. There was only a 20 minute period (somewhere between midnight and 1) during which "Circus" by Britney Spears was not being blasted from the stereo.
  7. Even though Britney Spears was being blasted, the entire first season of "My So Called Life" never faded from the TV.
  8. JPatt went to bed at 1 am and slept through the entire party. Even so, her camera now has no less than 304 pictures from last night, 148 of which are of me playing twister.
  9. Three different people threw up in the kitchen sink. After cleaning the first two incidents, I just decided to let the third run its course. This is the moment at which I owe Jtoy a shout out for being a good maid. Future career possibilities are boundless for us both.
  10. Okay, maybe this list does not need to continue...
Anyway, we here at UniGuantanamontrose may swear we're not crazy, but perhaps we really are...

Sunday, January 4, 2009


So basically my life has changed completely in the past 12 hours. The fact that I even still have a life, literally, that I am alive, is kind of a miracle. A new course will be added to the University of GuantanaMontrose's list of offerings that will deal with making good decisions vs. bad ones.

A good decision: Have fun at a party with friends. 

A bad decision: Make drinks that are more than 50% liquor. One might be ok, several is not.

Another bad decision: Leave the party in your car after said drinks.

A third bad decision (that may or may not have even been a decision at all): Somehow make it almost all the way home before stopping at a stop sign and falling asleep in the car.

There are more bad decisions involved here too, but this is enough to discuss for now. 


This is the University of Alberta's Coat of Arms. I think it looks honestly fun, and I love dancing bears. Still, I think that University of Guantanamontrose's programs offer something beyond a bed of flowers (and beyond our current two slices of bacon). Also, UA is located in Edmonton - the northernmost city in North America with a population over one million. Uni GuanTrose is clearly either located in a tropical or online climate. Also, UA aims to become one of the top 20 universities worldwide within the next century. Uni GuanTrose is rulzy and doesn't bother with that, although they do have a study abroad option in Oslo.

In conclusion, this is really funny.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

UGMo Faculty cuts loose on Friday night...

Just really nice.

I just awoke from a dream, in which George Bush had a beautiful nephew and I met him at the rodeo and we fell in love.

By the by, pajama party tonight! Here are my options, I want to look rulzy sexy for Bush's nephew I mean my boooyfriend!!

1. Adorbs
2. Classy as Fuck
3. Fire Crotch

Let me know what you guys think I'm nervous!

Vest Night Theory Confirmed

8:31PM: Text from Hallie (Hali): "I'm wearing a vest bikini top though"
I am excited but warn hallie to be prepared for psycho and disastrous things to occur since she is not wearing the amulet of safety (bikini top)

10:14PM- the "bouncer from xoxo" (midtown streetwalker who kathleen MAY or may not have kissed on new year's) calls kathleen's phone for 28th time. I pick up and attempt to convince him that I am kathleen's mother and kathleen is underage, but he doesn't seem to care. I can't say for sure though because I couldn't understand anything he said except for "hold on mama," which could have been a nod to the fact that i was kathleen's mother, or perhaps was just street slang. So then I proceeded to go Lady Raptastic mixed with a little crazy cat lady ( on his ass:
"LOOK i got the police on the other line, they are tracing this call! I will call the CIA, the FBI, and they are gonna look up your IP address. And when you go on them weirdo websites they are gonna trace your computer and lock you up. They will find you, AND THEY WILL FIND YOU."

surprisingly this crazy ass called back! That convo ended with "stop calling, retard." which seemed to least for the past 12 hours.

11:00PM: mallory, peter, kath, and myself drive to cvs to pick up some ciwgawettes for the nicotine addicts (I should've bought y'all's addicted asses some nicoderm CQ patches cause i'm sick of sittin out in the goddamn cold every night). Everyone but pete acts like a total psycho, and I proceed to throw a bag of sour patch watermelon's at pete because i am convinced if we give them to the bartenders they will like us more.

11:15PM: We show up at the cellar and immediately put our plan into action. I sign me and kath up for miami by will smith and head to the bar. I explain to the bartendress, amber, that we have purchased these candies especially for her. she seems overjoyed. someone else take this opportunitiy to ask if we get a discount- we do. She gave us $5.50 tequila shots for $2.50. We all fall in love.

12:00AM: Tim suggests we take a body shot-- amber practically jumps over the bar to oblige. She's so excited that she gives us the shot for free. she points us in the direction of the AIR HOCKEY table, where tim lies down and i take the shot...all filmed by our amazing club historian--hallie.

12:30AM: Beth arrives. I take her to the bar, where amber, again, gives us the drink for free!

2:15AM: We are kicked out of the bar, as usual, and head over to chapultepec. I get out of the car and immediately open the door of an [apparently unlocked] old suburban-like vehicle. I grab the masking tape and kathleen and i immediately go to work. I have absolutely no idea how we both knew what to do, but we wrapped masking tape around the car about 4 times over. Then we head inside and eat queso and Don Juan plates.

3:45AM: I walk to tim's car, open the door, and get inside. While inside i notice a faint smell and realize no one else has entered the car. i am told i have shit on my hands. someone had put dog (i hope) shit on all the door handles of tim's car! we decided this must've been related to the masking tape incident, but believe it to be the work of a civilian vigilante as the masking tape had not been removed by the owners of the vehicle.

11:00AM: I wake up and bust out laughing (as I do pretty much every morning..seriously) and cannot believe the night's events. mostly the masking tape.

Friday, January 2, 2009


btw "wdek" means "we don't even know"
unrelated, but this is very necessary information

Benelux? More like BeneLIARS (or BeneSUX, wdek, Jpatt and I can't decide and Ray hates both titles)

Okay soo Benelux (Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg) has a population of 27,598,666. The Netherlands has 16,440,113 people. So Uni Guantanamontrose wants to know how it is possible that the Netherlands' largest city, Amsterdam, has such a small population of 747,290, yet the nation still manages to boast millions more. True, other large cities exist: Rotterdam, the Hague and Utrecht, along with Amsterdam, form the Randstad, which according to the Amsterdammy wiki article, has 7 million inhabitants, but is cited to have a population of 7.5 on the self-titled Randstad page. Um sorry but there are not 10 million rural Dutch people just hanging out in windmills and smoking dank pot. The Randstad just becomes more and more shady! See: when other "conurbations" (SO not a word PS) connected to this area are also taken into consideration, it would have a population a little over 10 million, almost 2/3 of the entire Dutch population. I really don't know who to believe. Uni Guantamontrose realizes that the Netherlands is a peace-loving low-lying nether region (and our personal fav continent) and our biggest enemies are terrorist states, but still... just be honest guys.

How to Spot a Bachelor

1. He sleeps on a mattress without sheets for months.

2. Everything is covered in dog hair even though he doesn't own a dog.

3. He lives by a clock that either hasn't been reset from daylight savings time or is blinking 12:00.

4. He has at least two futons.

5. There's nothing in his shower other than a bar of soap and a magazine.

6. The only electronic device that works in the apartment is the TV.

7. His mattress sags in the middle, but he stopped noticing years ago.

7. A half empty can of Pabst on the coffee table doubles as an ashtray.

8. Artwork is attached to the wall with gum, safety pins, or a single tack. Frames are completely out of the question.

9. This 'artwork' consists of either a Nirvana poster or gifts from his ex girlfriends

10. He leaves his clean laundry in the 'clean' hamper and keeps a separate pile for dirty clothes. He picks from both caches when getting dressed in the morning afternoon.

11. He never puts toilet paper on the roll.

12. An empty case of Busch light and a bottle of expired mustard are the sole contents of the fridge.

13. There's a pair of pants with the boxers still in them and an open book in front of his toilet.

Puke Crotch gets a midnight kiss

New Year's Eve is a pretty fucking depressing holiday, if you ask me.  Not only are you required to make out with someone, but it has to be at a very particular moment.  If you don't, then it's like breaking a mirror and you get seven years of bad sex, or seven years of no sex, or something involving sex and not involving orgasms.  You can send yourself flowers on Valentine's Day (what? don't judge!), but you can't make out with yourself on New Year's.

This year I gave up on the whole tragic idea of a midnight kiss. I figured I could tongue a bottle of Svedka at the big moment, which seemed like a pleasant alternative when compared to watching other people suck face in the oh-so-romantic glow of the sparklers and fireworks.  

I had almost forgotten my kissless fate when some dashing boy from years passed asked me to introduce him to my 'hot friends.' Doesn't everyone within a mile radius of Uni Guantanamontrose know that all my friends are gay men or taken or taken by gay men or making out with gay men?  

Drunk, feisty and slightly defensive, I asked, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"  That's when the deal happened.  The kiss deal.  I say 'deal' because we shook on it. 

I should mention that this was quite an amazing deal because I may or may not have puked on this person's crotch when I was sixteen and riding passenger in my own car.  To be fair, it was more in the center consul than his crotch.  This might have resulted in me getting nicknamed 'Puke Crotch', which was pretty unfair considering what that suggested versus what actually happened.  

The kiss itself I don't really remember.  It was pleasant and brief, I recall that much.  I was wearing blood red stilettos.  I made sure not to fall.  I also made sure no one set my hair on fire, because oh god does that shit smell.  Don't fall, and don't catch hair on fire: those were my two thoughts.  After the sparklers burned out, we parted ways.  

It's common knowledge that you don't make out with someone who puked near you, not to mention on you, even if it was over six years ago.  You just don't make out with Puke Crotch.  So I can only attribute what happened to a New Year's (or maybe a a late Christmas?) miracle. 

Yes, basically my New Years started with a miracle of Jesus.  How was yours?  

On being popular and unemployed...

The dictionary widget on the Dashboard of my MacBook Pro defines the word popular thusly: 

Liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people or by a particular person or group.

I don't mean to sound utterly conceited or anything when I say this, but I think I'm probably the most popular person I know. This is not to say that I don't know other people who are also quite popular and it also doesn't mean that there is no one who dislikes me. What it does mean is that I have a rather large circle of friends and acquaintances, any number of whom may be simultaneously vying for my attention and presence at their party, bar, or other venue in which twenty-somethings gather on any given night. It hasn't always been this way and I know better than to assume that it always will, but for the time being, this is my life and I am going to accept it. The problem, however, is that I can't be in multiple locations at one time, no matter how much I'd like to attend every event and hang out session with every wonderful and interesting person I'm privileged to call my friend. I try my best to juggle and spend at least a small amount of time in as many places as possible, so as to please everyone I can. Whether this is the recommended course of action, I am not certain. On occasion it can be quite fun, but other times, I find myself hardly enjoying anything because I'm constantly trying to make sure I fit everything in. Maybe my problem is that I try too hard to please everyone else, but at the same time, I'm doing it for myself. I aim to maximize the amount of fun I'm having at (almost) all costs. This is perhaps my top priority.

It seems like almost daily someone tells me that I am their favorite or that they love me because of something or other--whether it was something I said or did or wore or even something about me as a person that I didn't even consciously have anything to do with. This comes both from people I've known for years and people I've just met. Along that vein, it's not rare for me to have a new "best friend" at the end of the night, someone I had never seen or talked to when I arrived in that place. Honestly, I love this. Sometimes this new friendship only lasts the duration of our time together that night and then we never see each other again but other times we end up hanging out regularly. Either way, it's absolutely a wonderful feeling to know that another person finds you worth their time.

This popularity is something that I suppose has been evolving over the course of a couple of years now, starting when I was regularly throwing parties in my apartment in Berkeley, allowing friends and strangers alike to share the fun. A much more recent development in my life is my newly unemployed status. My previous work situation was never intended to be long-term and it eventually came to its end. I have mixed feelings about this, but mostly I am happy for a chance to explore something new. The difficulty here is that I don't know exactly what this "something new" will be. I have vague notions of things I might like to do, and much more definite ideas about things that I cannot and will not do, but it's hard to focus that into a concrete plan about what job I should pursue. I often try to think of how I can make money doing something that I love and would do regardless of getting paid. My latest thoughts have turned to figuring out how to transform my popularity among friends into some sort of career. How might one get paid to make friends, go to parties, drink at bars, etc.? It almost seems impossible, but I don't know if anything is actually impossible anymore. However, I hesitate in trying to find an answer to my question because others arise: Do I really want to turn what I do for fun into work? Would that make it less enjoyable for me? Would I then dread having to go out rather than not being able to wait until it's time to do so?

As we proceed into a brand new year, these are the issues I'm dealing with and hoping to resolve soon. There are other things too, of course, but these are at the front of my mind now. The days to come shall be interesting ones indeed.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2009: We're Getting into Big Bitch Territory

The first thing I did in 2009 was pee on a fence in front of 40 people. I do not know whose house it was at, nor do I even remember where it was, but I'm sure the party-goers will never forget me. I'm getting ahead of myself however... 
Back in 2008, I was still hungover at 11pm; so I decided to chug 3 glasses of wine at my parent's party. I immediately threw up afterwards and was pretty sure the night was ruined. Fortunately, the next party included solo cups full of tequila. Unfortunately, I threw up a bit more before finally re-entering into the kingdom of DRUNK. This was when the party really started for me.
I don't really remember much of the party, but I do remember being locked in a car with a dog for awhile. I do not really understand how that came about, but it did. The best part of the night was when Liza and I did a second countdown at 12:03. The second best part was after said countdown when I was telling a story and a stranger walked up and  said, "we're getting into big bitch territory?" I have no idea what this meant, but I'm assuming it was directed at me... I also remember popping a lot of bottles of champagne that were definitely not mine, maybe this was why?
After the party, we went back to S's and got even more drunk. We ended up in the hot tub, and then got a tip that not so big A was seen at Taco C. I immediately called him and made him come over. It was kind of awkward since I hadn't seen him since our original 3-some. It was also kind of awkward because I apparently was incapable of proper communication at that point and spent most of the time screaming "WOOOHOOOO!!!" into Jtoy's face. He brought some 17 year old that Jpatt referred to as the "Twink Slave." I tried to get them to have a four-some, but that was bust. Additionally, the "Twink Slave" kept yelling at Jtoy because earlier that night, chez Taco C, she evidently cut him off in the drive-thru. I honestly don't remember any of this, but supposedly I tried to moderate and just kept repeating, "Well, as for me, I see both sides." Someone tried to make queso at four in the morning, they miserably failed, then I blacked out and passed out.
I woke up in a bed with two people I didn't at first recognize. I still have the worst headache in the world. I really hope 2009 is classier than last night. I also hope I can eventually stomach the idea of food sometime soon.