Friday, July 31, 2009

The New Amtrak

skippin class,
with a shot glass,
nothin more,

lisa d, on the scene.
and yes, that's that crazy bitch lisa from ANTM cycle 5

Monday, July 20, 2009

Field Work

This weekend, a few of UniG's most distinguished faculty decided to do some hands on research in our best fields, most notably: drinking, lulzing, clubbing, and pretend to still be 20. This past weekend several of us made the trip to Austin, managing to take as many different cars as possible. The trip was equally both a success and a failure on about every level, depending on how you want to look it. I know that doesn't even make sense, but neither does the weekend; so by some twist of the Confucian balance, it must even out. I'm still unsure as to what actually happened, both to others and myself, but I figure the comments section of this blog shall serve as some sort of group consciousness/formal record.
In the spirit of the trip, I have outline a few imperatives for any future Austin course syllabus.
Things to do:
1. Have a plan.
2. Use the HOV lane.
3. Buy tubes before getting to New Braunfels.
4. Try and have someone to stay with before you arrive, and also make sure they have a key to their place.
5. Buy lots of alcohol on the drive up just incase the person you are staying with loses their key and you have to wait in the hall for 3 hours until their roommate comes home.
6. Do not drink the water. And do not pay for anything at Whole Foods.
7. Do not let anyone videotape you unless it is a news channel and you are Jtoy and Kathleen on 6th Street.
8. Go to Qua and Rain (and maybe Malaia.) Then anywhere else you can find before all the bars close at 2.
9. Eat at the newly opened downtown El Chile on Congress because they give you two free margaritas since they don't have a liquor license yet.
10. Do not already be drunk when you arrive at El Chile after getting off the river.
11. Sleep with as many people as possible.

All of this happened to the group collectively, other than number 1 of course. However, on our next trip, I propose that each of us make sure that we follow all 11 rigorously.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I Want the World to Know

Ok everyone, it's finally time-- I'm coming out of the closet.

And yes, I mean the butt closet.
I went to a medical professional today, as is protocol when one starts questioning one's self [and her butt], and I am ready to let everyone know my big secret. My butt is underdeveloped. That's right, i have a weak butt, which has caused a rift to form between it and my hip and ITband. I'm still grappling with what this means for everyday life and trying to come to terms with my new lifestyle, but hopefully one day I will be 100 percent okay with it. I hope that you all can accept me with this newfound information, but I understand if many of you need some time.

For now I have been advised not to jog or run, as many passerby's will immediately know of my condition. So for the next 4-6 weeks I can be found swimming laps in the party pool in order to hide my shame beneath what is an already tarnished surface.

I will be seeing a specialist for the next 4 weeks in attempts to "re-learn" how to properly conduct myself, and there is hope that I will make a full recovery. I will also be accessing some high-strength medication that I have been advised not to mix with alcohol, as alcohol on its own is likely to allow my true feelings and actions to expose themselves.

I thank you all for your support during this difficult time.