Sunday, June 28, 2009

Shenanigans 350: A Slight Concern

As Summer Session B continues on in all its glory, the course Shenanigans 350 seems to be getting high honors at regional debates and competitions. This letter should serve as formal acknowledgement, support, praise and validation for all the faculty members and students involved in the Division of Shenanigans, the specific course Shenanigans 350, and all the necessary research projects and grants involved in the formers' execution.
It seems that between the Bringer of Lulz and myself, Tour Guide Ray, this course has received more grant money than any other department, COMBINED! I'm not quite sure from where these funds are coming (perhaps we applied and received a Fullbright and then forgot about it?), but they are copious and some how seem to launder only to JR's and Guava.
Secondly, I would like to congratulate this course for its vivacious and tenacious dedication to Gay Pride. Not only did the UniG Division of Shenanigans have a faculty member in the parade itself (on a float for what exactly, I'm still unsure?), but two of UniG's most distinguished faculty members, along with two visiting professors, sat on the board of the parade along with Toddicus, some rando, and Roula and Ryan from the 104 KRBE Morning Show! Along with announcing the passing floats, the board members also crawled under "local celebrities" chairs to grab beads, frisbees and t-shirts. These dedicated faculty members get highest honors for their work, and I am sure that their chosen charities will profit greatly from the donations collected at the Parade.
Third, I would like to congratulate myself for not stealing the Chancellor's car last night like I did approximately one annum ago. It took perseverance and self-discipline, but I managed to drive away from the Toho's Trendy, Indie, Hipster Party in my own vehicle.
However, despite all of this great news, a wonderful takeout adventure at Chapultepec, a stop on Club Bridge, and a pleasurable night in the pedestrian friendly Guantanamontrose, I do have one slight concern. I am not sure how the events of last night panned out after 3:44 am when I left the SoMoToHo. I am somewhat concern, for when I left the state of things seemed very dire indeed. Sassy was very upset, and he expressed major concern to me; unfortunately, I had an important appointment with the Dean of Drunk Driving and had to depart before properly consoling him. So, let this serve as the official press release for the SoMoToHoTsunamarama. If any of the inhabits of the ToHo were left standing after the deluge of beer and fatats (faux tats, fake tattoos), please contact the Office of the President to let the university know your whereabouts and current state of being.
Thank you all and keep up the good work!
Tour Guide Ray 
P.S. Hotel ZaZa will be offering discounted rooms to memebers of the University during the renovation and restoration of a livable SoMoToHo. Rooms have been reduced from "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" to "When you think about it, that's only 3 bottles of Grey Goose at the Roxy."

Saturday, June 27, 2009

New Course: Blasphemy 501

...because i refuse to post these on facebook for fear that my privacy settings aren't strict enough and God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit can see my photos

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Rivalry is Born?

On Saturday night, several UniG faculty members attended an art opening at the Joanna, a small house-turned-gallery just on the other side of Club Bridge. A group of men calling themselves Sketch Klubb were the creators of the art. Here's an interview from (via B.S. Houston Art Blog) with a couple of the artists, one of whom we talked to briefly and shall henceforth be known as Russell5.0:

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Summer Session C Course Preview

Summer Session B's coursework has proven to be both rigorous and quite satisfying. As a preview to our new class that will be offered next term, "Distressed Twittering," I will recap some potential tweets that could have been submitted during some of our exams over the past two weeks.

June 5th: Summer Session B's Opening Ceremonies OR 1st Night in the PoMo LoHo
  • copz are here. where's the #queso?!?!?!
  • sitting on a bench outside the gate, got the #queso @estebandice!
  • where are @timgregor and @kimdice? and where's the #queso?

June 6th: Actually this is a Dorm Room and Kim is the RA
  • @evakelly is on the floor by the #tv-- her thumb's broken. where's my drink?
  • headbutted @kimdice in the nose and knocked over the #tv!
  • sorry same-cop-from-last-night but we are having a suspenders party. and what happened to the #tv and @kdice's nose??

June Xth: 1st visit to Lola's Depot
  • stuck on that crazy island from Lost in 1954! 3 #kamikazes for $5.25... at least there are SOME perks to being stranded with these #trannies!
  • 3 #kamikazes divided by 3 = 1 #kamikaze for... shit. where's my calculator?
  • #trannies outside, #kamikazes inside...wait, am i tranny?

June 12th: Where's Red Door? OH there's a RED. DOOR.
  • wrapped around some man--swingin upside down in the #VIP room. booyah @kimdice
  • left my shoes in the #VIP room, where's my #kamikaze!
  • left my coordination in the #VIP room. shoe is filled with blood!

June 13th: Kathleen and Jessica actually can't have multiple Blue El Patio Margs and follow it up with ridiculous amounts of sunny D
  • by the end of the night ima have @kathleen drunk and throwin #up!
  • by the end of the night ima have @jtoy SO FUCKED #UP.
  • where's my car? @jtoy and @kathleen are SO FUCKED #UP they won't even answer the door.

June 17th: Guava Lamp OR Now we get a 50% discount at Brisa
  • @dennisor is a #geek-ass
  • @becs those were twins and you killed them!
  • hortencia's on my neck! i need a #kamikaze!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Eng 3396: Forgotten Classics of the Modern Western Tradition

With Summer Session A rapidly drawing to a conclusion, it is time for students to begin planning their enrollment in Summer Session B classes. I am excited to announce that along with our normal selection of classes, I will be teaching Eng 3396: Forgotten Classics of the Modern Western Tradition, featuring the following:

Written by F. Scott Fitzgerald under the pseudonym of Albina Jackson, this once controversial historical romance set in St. Bernard Parish examines the corrupt state government of Louisiana that was responsible for the construction of defective 'dusky system' of dykes and levies that resulted in the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927. After gradually fading from the literary limelight, the almost identical levy failures in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina projected the novel back into the hands of readers. Critics have described the book as “An American classic!” “Important reading, a perfect example of how history is doomed to repeat itself.” and “Excellent, despite the highly misleading title and cover art…”.

Considered to be the originator of the FNS (Fantasy National Socialism) genre, John Christopher’s groundbreaking novel, The Little People, examines the outcome of a world where the Leprechauns of Ireland have allied themselves with the Third Reich. Despite being the influence for such well known FNS novels as JJR Tolkien’s The Two Guard Towers and KJ Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Hitler-Jugend, Christopher’s novel has languished in obscurity.

Most UGM students will recognize “devil’s elbow” as the street name for particularly potent brand of hash infamous for having wrecked our esteemed Chancellor last Halloween. The name is taken from Brainerd Cheney’s agrianist classic of the same name. Examining post-Reconstruction Era Georgia, The Devil’s Elbow deals with the need for a return to a more simplistic, antebellum way of life, free of the corruption found in urban environments. Much like the hash it shares a moniker with, it will mess your prissy ass up if you don’t know how to handle it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Breaking News: Montrose Documentary Tonight on PBS

Tune in at 9pm to see what they have to say about our wonderful home! Write up a brief summary to receive extra credit that will help make up for that test you missed that morning when you had a killer hangover.

Mixology 101

Sake Refresher
(makes one drink)

The essence of cucumber muddled with the freshness of mint makes for a super-refreshing and not-so-sweet cocktail to par with Asian foods. This drink is especially good served with sushi.

1 sprig fresh mint
4 slices fresh cucumber
¾ ounce simple syrup
1 ½ ounces vodka

½ ounce sake
¾ ounce fresh lime juice
Garnish: thin cucumber slice

Tear mint sprig and drop into a cocktail shaker. Add cucumber slices and simple syrup. Mash ingredients together with a muddler or the back of a spoon. Add vodka, sake, and lime juice. Fill shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a slice of cucumber.