Sunday, March 22, 2009

Don: Cat Judger Extraordinaire

Last night a met a man... a man of many talents, and of weird, awkward sentences.

setting: BYOB coffeehouse
event: UNC vs. Duke Battle of the Bands

I feel a tap on my shoulder and a middle-aged man says "you thirsty?" and gestures towards my Colt 45. I laugh and wait for him to make his comment on the fact that i was drinking a 40, but this does not happen. What ensues is either the result of this man being a compulsive liar or mildly mentally disabled. He was WAF, but I couldn't help myself and spent the whole evening going back for more. I will now list the facts about Don in the order they were revealed to me.

1. Don is a professional wine taster for supermarkets. He drinks "world wines," and his last gig was a few weeks ago at the Kroger on 15-501.
2. To supplement his wine tasting income, Don judges cats. "I'm a cat judger" is what he tells me. "You know, CFA... Cat Fanciers' Association?"
3. Don got into the cat judging industry through his family. He grew up with cats. (Pure breads?)- "Mostly."
4. Don also works at a restaurant at RDU airport.
5. Don was in attendance at a college student event because he "gets emails." (Are you affiliated with Duke in any way?)- "No. but I'm coming here the fall." (Wow, interesting... what are you going to major in?)- "Physics."
6. As soon as Don graduates from Duke with his physics degree, he's going to the culinary institute, because he ultimately wants to be a chef.
7. In high school, Don had the highest GPA in his county- a 4.9.
8. Don attended to a "career high school" (career for what- physics?)- "No. graphic design. and the commercial food service industry"

I don't know what Don is up to today, but it probably involves the CFA and his studio apartment "over by the elementary school." I hope to see Don again some day...and find out of more of his many talents. Or maybe instead I'll find out there's an episode of candid camera with me on it, entertaining an obviously paid actor.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Studying Abroad

In addition to Dean Jtoy's list of courses for this coming quarter, I'd also like to propose a Study Abroad option. This idea came upon me when one of UG's prized students sent me this instant message from Sevilla a few minutes ago:

"haha. so i just fucked a guy and he's sitting right here. but he's spanish, so he has no idea what i'm writing!! haha!
gotta go now. just wanted to tell someone. love ya mucho mucho mucho!!!!!!"

Not only does this comment prove that someone has already begun her work on the catalogue of courses listed by Dean Jtoy, but it also demonstrates the dire need for us all to go to Spain (or anywhere but here) and get laid. In the wish of finding our own "Spring Awakening," I would like to list the possible study abroad options that lay before us. We may not all be able to go to Cabo for Spring Break with everyone and their mother in a sombrero, but we can at least find a way to go on vacation indefinitely while our parents or schools pay for it. On that note, here are some of the possibilities I am pleased to announce are available for students and faculty at the University of Guantanamontrose.
  1. Shrooming in Hermann Park with friends visiting from Austin.
  2. Cruising at the Bark Park with Professor Tim.
  3. Getting black out and fucking in a pick-up truck bed with commentary by Mal via webcam.
  4. Tubing down Buffalo Bayou with the Bringer of Lulz.
  5. Living vicariously through Tour Guide Ray and Chancellor Steven's european and Thailand facebook albums.
  6. Exploring the room of bathtubs through the midget door at Notsuoh's with Avsters.
  7. Visiting Adam and Patrick in Austin for SXSW.
  8. Stealing a plane and flying to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Oh wait, too late...
  9. Stealing a plane and flying to Duke to visit Jtoy.
  10. Hijacking one of those rockets on display at NASA and flying on it to the moon. Or maybe just Seville...
  11. Selling Sasquatch (or the pink, sparkled, assless chaps Justin stole from me because he's clearly sexually frustrated and in the closet) and using the money to visit Evelyn B in Amsterdammy.
  12. Yarwell and yarwell.
Applications are due by March 31st (a special someone's birthday;) so start your essays!

Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

New Course Proposal

I would like to propose a new course to be taught in the UGMo Art
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh