Thursday, November 5, 2009

Drunk Driving 101

Yourself from the Future says: "Don't make that call"

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Benevenstanciano and McGillicutty: Attorneys at LOL

Have you been the victim of a recent LOLZ related incident that resulted in pain, mental anguish, and mockery from the Uni staff? Well, we here at Benevenstanciano and McGillicutty are willing to fight for YOU with a frivolous lawsuit so you’ll receive the maximum amount of financial restitution the law allows!

• Have your friends set up a facebook profile of you that has traveled back from the future to warn you not to do whatever you’re about to do? We’ll sue them for harassment and identity theft!

• Have you actually traveled back from the future so you could set up a facebook profile warning you not to do whatever you are about to do? We’ll sue you for harassment and identity theft!

• Was your cell accessed while you were drunk and your friends used it to updated your Twitter saying you got an STD from poultry? We’ll sue for cell phone tresspassery and Turpes medication!

• Did you have to listen to more than three minutes of the Dean of Drama Llama Studies yammer on about her train wreck of a love life? We’ll sue JPatt for crimes against humanity!

• Has all the other Uni staff been making fun of you for being so grody that you snorted crushed up methadone? Well, we rly can’t do anything because that is totes grody as hell…

• Were you tricked into believing one of your friends was arrested for shoving a waitress because she spilled ranch dressing on his pants? We’ll sue so that he’ll really have to get arrested for shoving a waitress because she spilled ranch dressing on his pants!

We here at Benevenstanciano and McGillicutty want to make sure that if you’re the victim of teh LULZ, we’ll file that frivolous lawsuit to show your friends that they can’t ever fuck around with you!

Monday, September 21, 2009

We Can't Afford Models for Our Ad Campaigns

unfortunately this photo only features 3 uni G faculty members (well 2 faculty, 1 staff), but it does have some of our best students, and I believe should perhaps be used in future advertising campaigns. or at least in the course catalog for "trashy 101: how to make sure ur doin it ironically."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I don't know why this guy is getting such a bad rap... I mean we can't help it if women approach us 6 to 7 times a day.


did I just discover the joys of peeing out of the second story window of the toho?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Uni G Book Club

First Assignment: Memoirs of a Beautiful Boy. I say we meet up with bottles of Hyp and discuss in two weeks:

Robert Leleux grew up in a teeny rural town outside of Houston, and the highlight of his week was escaping to Neimans with his wildly eccentric mom to get their hair and nails done. The hilarious Memoirs of a Beautiful Boy chronicles Robert’s eventual coming out and the torture his mom endures to snag a rich husband (from botched lip injections to shaving her scalp for a custom wig).

Friday, September 4, 2009

Pop Quiz - "Blow me awake"

Please write, in whatever format you find appropriate, your thoughts on the concept of Text Message Booty Calls. Points to discuss include when (if ever) this is appropriate, how one should respond, what happens later if one rejects the offer and anything else you have to say on the matter.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Guaranteed Admission to UGMo

As the Fall Semester begins, I know many high school seniors are beginning to prepare their applications for admission to the esteemed University of GuantanaMontrose for next year. I just wanted to provide a quick tip for those who aspire to join our wonderful academic society: Be sure to include evidence of ways in which you embody the spirit and ideals upon which UniG was founded. Here is an example of some precocious young girls who were already hoping to be accepted way back in 2002 before our university was even created:

These girls exhibit their extreme love of queso, which is one of the important criteria for being accepted to UGMo.

Please be sure to complete your applications and submit them for review by the Chancellor and Deans no later than December 15th, 2009. After that date, the entire UniG faculty and staff will be too wasted to know what an application even is. Thank you.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Uni G Employee of the Week

Last thursday in the hallowed booths of Guava, Tour Guide Ray instated the new tradition of "employee of the week." As staff, he is used to being under-appreciated and could more easily see the necessity of this, and declared Thursday, August 27 through Thursday, September 3rd "THE WEEK OF HALOISE."

We cherish our haloise for the following reasons:
  • bringing us lulz
  • being the unofficial historian of UGMo
  • being a hetero and being still
  • owning cats
Cheers to you, hallie. Enjoy your week. Cause once it's over, we'll be back to untagging facebook photos you tag us in and hating you for having other friends.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A Boogie Board + Baby Oil + Houston's Topography = Success

The Departments of Physical Education and Physics proudly announce a new cross-listed course that will be offered in the coming semester: PhysEd 415C/Physics 138: Hill Surfing. The esteemed Dean J.Toy will lead students in an innovative workshop that will combine physical fitness and the scientific method. During week one, students who enroll in this course will start by learning the art of hill surfing with the most basic equipment, cardboard. As they begin to master the techniques and prove their ability, the Dean will provide further instruction to the students on the more advanced method of using an oiled boogie board on the hill. Meanwhile, students will also learn about important principles such as friction, velocity, momentum and balance. After the midterm, the fun will really begin when students will be assigned the challenge of coming up with alternate techniques and equipment to use. Trial and error will be encouraged and all experiments should be well documented and presented to the class to aid in the learning process. The University Health Department reminds all students participating in this activity to exercise caution and wear helmets and/or other protective gear when trying something new in the exciting world of hill surfing.

Enrollment will be limited to approximately 12 students and classes will be held MWTh 7:00-8:00PM at Eleanor Tinsley Park, adjacent to North Montrose (NoMo).

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Guidelines for When to Worry about Faculty and Staff

It's 2am and your fellow faculty member is missing. Do you worry? Do you send them a congratulatory text for probably hooking up with someone in a nearby car or bathroom stall? Do you even bother realizing they are gone? It can be confusing, so here are some guidelines...

Day 1: 2am: don't worry. they're fine
Day 2: 9am: don't bother. they're fine, and they're sleeping
Day 2: 1pm: you can call, but they're still fine and still sleeping
Day 2: 5pm: call to invite them out (it's the polite thing to do), but don't worry, they're probably recovering. Or taking the metro back from katy
Day 2: 11pm: ask others to call them. it's possible that you did something the night before that you dont' remember and thus they aren't taking your call
Day 3: 1pm: call them, but they're probably fine... and hungover from going out without you the night before
Day 3: 5pm: now you can start to worry

These are loose guidelines, and as always please be extra cautious when bodies of water have been involved. When dealing with students, remind yourself to be more prudent and remember they do not have the training and experience many of the faculty and staff do.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

From 50 Cent Fridays to $250 Saturdays...

In the Fall, I will be leading a graduate-level seminar course entitled The Shitshow and Other Bad Nights: Advanced Techniques in Being an Epic Trainwreck and I did an extreme amount of hands-on research last night to prepare for what I hope to be really enlightening discussions with some of the University's top graduate students. I'm sure everyone can recall my extensive series about good decisions and bad's kind of been a while since I've had any good examples to bring forth, but all of that changed last night. Where do I even begin...?

While most of the UniG community was at a pool party at a satellite facility in OTB, I started my night at what I foolishly assumed would be a fairly lowkey house party designed to save us money because that way we could just spend a little on a handle and mixers instead of running up a tab at the bar. Things were going smoothly enough for a couple of hours but then the handle ran out and we clearly weren't done yet, though apparently we probably should have been. At this point, it is important for me to mention that I do not have ANY memory of the rest of this story until further notice and am only relating these details as they have been told to me...

  • We went to Bayou City again. Parked in a spot apparently reserved for the gay store next to the bar, went into the store first, and then the bar.
  • At some point, I was in contact with the Dean of LULZtography and his chauffeur but I was such a trainwreck already that I became unable to operate my phone and my person and thus received a slew of very angry voicemails.
  • I also somehow fell on the floor and regained my phone abilities (sort of) to post the following to Twitter:

    Lola i fellell on there flood. Whooke type I'd meess. Theyafe me bit bot sit on the floor. Qhllte type of mess.

    For those who don't speak drunkanese, that roughly translates to Lolz I fell on the floor. Whole type of mess. The made me not sit on the floor. Whole type of mess. Apparently bar owners don't like people to sit/lay on the floor of their bars. But he also didn't mind that I stayed at the bar, telling my friends something to the effect of "It's my job to get people wasted, they just can't be on the floor."
  • I may or may not have vomitted both in the bathroom and outside on the patio. The bartender may or may not have done coke under the bar and then made out with my friend.
  • Upon exiting the bar, we found that my rental car had been towed. We managed to get a ride with some other people back to the house where our night had started out so (relatively) innocently just a few hours before.
  • At some point, I decided to pass out for a while on the couch. When I woke up, a girl was sitting on the floor near me and upon seeing I was awake, introduced herself, "Hi, I'm the neighbor and it's almost 6am." This is the first thing I remember since like 11:30 or 12.

As I slowly regained consciousness and became aware of my surroundings, I saw that people were dancing and having a great time while I had been asleep. And there was a chocolate lab sniffing me. Also, one of the bartenders from Guava was there, not one I usally get drinks from, but I recognized him and he me, apparently. He was surprised and impresssed when I said I knew who he was because of the condition I was in but even if I didn't remember the entire night up to that point, I still have a good memory of things outside of when I'm really trashed. I was then informed of the car towing situation and I didn't even really know how to process that at the time, but found my phone in the couch and fired off text to Clay just before my phone lost it's last ounce of battery life. The neighbors left, we called to find out where the car was and then went to sleep around 6:30 in the morning.

I wake up who knows how many hours later and some CD is looping the same song over and over again but I can't manage to get up to deal with it so I just remain on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually we go to the place to get the car and it's in such a sketchy weird area and we had to wait for the LONGEST train ever to go by and omg it was so awful just trying to get there. But we finally made it and talked to the lady through the little window and I had to go get the rental agreement from the car, but only one person is allowed to go in there where all the cars are, IDEK why, but that's the rule. So I wander in and I'm just like "WTF how am I supposed to find this car out here by myself?" Of course it was all the way in like the farthest area.

From there, the tale does not improve for the better. Absolutely not. The rental agreement is in my mom's name and it doesn't show my name on there anywhere as being an authorized driver of the car even though my mom asked them about that and they said it was fine. So they can't let me have the car. I tried to call the rental company to try to get them to fax something over. Of course the location where the car was from is not open on Sundays, so we tried the main office/corporate number and that was a whole mess of automated menus and whatnot. And for some godforsaken reason, this man was using a jackhammer next to me while I was trying to deal with the phone call and it was really rude. The phone call did not yield positive results and I still couldn't have the car back so we just left and went to the bar, which clearly was the best possible course of action.

Fast forward a bit, my parents get back from Austin and my mom wants to go to try and get the car again. Tow yards are open 24 hours and I suppose this is like the one nice thing about them, because everything else is shitty shitty shitty. We called to find out if they'll let us have the car now but there was another problem with the rental agreement saying I was supposed to return the car on Friday, so my mom and I have to get up and go to the rental place when they open at 7:30am to sort this all out. The cost to get your car back increases at midnight so since we can't get it til the morning, it goes up from $191 to $250...which is a shit ton of money I cannot afford to throw away but it's too late for that.


Saturday, August 1, 2009

50 Cent Fridays in GuantanaMontrose

Thanks to the combined efforts of the University Financial Aid Department and the Social Events Planning Committee, faculty, staff and students have a new place to cut loose on Friday nights. Formerly a diner owned by and named for a drag queen, the establishment has been remodeled and rebranded and is now the latest in a string of happening hot spots to open up in the neighborhood adjacent to the campus. Bayou City knows how to draw a crowd of thirsty folks who maybe don't have as much money to spend as they might like because of this economy...they offer well drinks on Friday nights for the amazingly low price of just 50 cents. As a self-appointed scout dedicated to finding all the best drink specials and fun places to party, I spent last Friday evening at Bayou City and discovered that it was a pretty good time, so I sent out the following missive to some of my fellow professors yesterday afternoon and the word spread from there:

"Fifty cent wells at Bayou City tonight...good idea or bad idea that we'll do anyway?"

I arrived early with Carl and we staked out a suitable area right next to the bar on the patio. Prof. Tim soon joined us and shortly thereafter a contingent of other professors and top graduate students arrived, already full of blue margs from El Patio. As more and more members of the UGMo community arrived, we rapidly took over a large portion of the patio and sometimes the dance floor inside as well.

Over the course of the night, the following things may have occurred:

1. Dean J.Toy tumbled off the stage where she had been dancing. She may have been pushed by Kathleen, a student who is rumoured to be pissed that the Dean wouldn't let her write a thesis about the effects of drinking 4 blue margs and/or Texas Teas in one night. The investigation is still pending.

2. A student who shall remain nameless danced on the bar with a fellow patron.

3. Carl referred to pretty much everyone as either Flapjack or Captain K'nuckles. They are adventurers.

4. I was forced to make many visits to the handicapped stall in the men's restroom.

5. Chancellor Steven invited people to post-party at his ToHo/his neighbor's ToHo. I arrived too late with Carl and Tour Guide Ray, after stopping at CVS and failing to be able to access cheap wine as it was almost 3am. The party was mostly over, so we left and brought with us the Visiting Professor of Europedancepop, who seemed to be in need of rescuing from some unknown fate that had her running around the ToHo sans pants.

6. There were many twinks and skanks present, so if anyone is in the market for a new twink slave or a skank...who is a skank...then this would be a good place to look.

7. Uhhh...probably a lot more things also took place but consuming a dozen or so 50-cent vodka tonics does not exactly lead to a good memory of the previous night's events. I invite others to add their recollections to the comments.

The Deans of LULZtography and Drama Llama Studies were sadly missing in action during this whirlwind of chaos and cheap shitty liquor. They will have to experience 50 Cent Friday another time. Or not.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The New Amtrak

skippin class,
with a shot glass,
nothin more,

lisa d, on the scene.
and yes, that's that crazy bitch lisa from ANTM cycle 5

Monday, July 20, 2009

Field Work

This weekend, a few of UniG's most distinguished faculty decided to do some hands on research in our best fields, most notably: drinking, lulzing, clubbing, and pretend to still be 20. This past weekend several of us made the trip to Austin, managing to take as many different cars as possible. The trip was equally both a success and a failure on about every level, depending on how you want to look it. I know that doesn't even make sense, but neither does the weekend; so by some twist of the Confucian balance, it must even out. I'm still unsure as to what actually happened, both to others and myself, but I figure the comments section of this blog shall serve as some sort of group consciousness/formal record.
In the spirit of the trip, I have outline a few imperatives for any future Austin course syllabus.
Things to do:
1. Have a plan.
2. Use the HOV lane.
3. Buy tubes before getting to New Braunfels.
4. Try and have someone to stay with before you arrive, and also make sure they have a key to their place.
5. Buy lots of alcohol on the drive up just incase the person you are staying with loses their key and you have to wait in the hall for 3 hours until their roommate comes home.
6. Do not drink the water. And do not pay for anything at Whole Foods.
7. Do not let anyone videotape you unless it is a news channel and you are Jtoy and Kathleen on 6th Street.
8. Go to Qua and Rain (and maybe Malaia.) Then anywhere else you can find before all the bars close at 2.
9. Eat at the newly opened downtown El Chile on Congress because they give you two free margaritas since they don't have a liquor license yet.
10. Do not already be drunk when you arrive at El Chile after getting off the river.
11. Sleep with as many people as possible.

All of this happened to the group collectively, other than number 1 of course. However, on our next trip, I propose that each of us make sure that we follow all 11 rigorously.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I Want the World to Know

Ok everyone, it's finally time-- I'm coming out of the closet.

And yes, I mean the butt closet.
I went to a medical professional today, as is protocol when one starts questioning one's self [and her butt], and I am ready to let everyone know my big secret. My butt is underdeveloped. That's right, i have a weak butt, which has caused a rift to form between it and my hip and ITband. I'm still grappling with what this means for everyday life and trying to come to terms with my new lifestyle, but hopefully one day I will be 100 percent okay with it. I hope that you all can accept me with this newfound information, but I understand if many of you need some time.

For now I have been advised not to jog or run, as many passerby's will immediately know of my condition. So for the next 4-6 weeks I can be found swimming laps in the party pool in order to hide my shame beneath what is an already tarnished surface.

I will be seeing a specialist for the next 4 weeks in attempts to "re-learn" how to properly conduct myself, and there is hope that I will make a full recovery. I will also be accessing some high-strength medication that I have been advised not to mix with alcohol, as alcohol on its own is likely to allow my true feelings and actions to expose themselves.

I thank you all for your support during this difficult time.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Shenanigans 350: A Slight Concern

As Summer Session B continues on in all its glory, the course Shenanigans 350 seems to be getting high honors at regional debates and competitions. This letter should serve as formal acknowledgement, support, praise and validation for all the faculty members and students involved in the Division of Shenanigans, the specific course Shenanigans 350, and all the necessary research projects and grants involved in the formers' execution.
It seems that between the Bringer of Lulz and myself, Tour Guide Ray, this course has received more grant money than any other department, COMBINED! I'm not quite sure from where these funds are coming (perhaps we applied and received a Fullbright and then forgot about it?), but they are copious and some how seem to launder only to JR's and Guava.
Secondly, I would like to congratulate this course for its vivacious and tenacious dedication to Gay Pride. Not only did the UniG Division of Shenanigans have a faculty member in the parade itself (on a float for what exactly, I'm still unsure?), but two of UniG's most distinguished faculty members, along with two visiting professors, sat on the board of the parade along with Toddicus, some rando, and Roula and Ryan from the 104 KRBE Morning Show! Along with announcing the passing floats, the board members also crawled under "local celebrities" chairs to grab beads, frisbees and t-shirts. These dedicated faculty members get highest honors for their work, and I am sure that their chosen charities will profit greatly from the donations collected at the Parade.
Third, I would like to congratulate myself for not stealing the Chancellor's car last night like I did approximately one annum ago. It took perseverance and self-discipline, but I managed to drive away from the Toho's Trendy, Indie, Hipster Party in my own vehicle.
However, despite all of this great news, a wonderful takeout adventure at Chapultepec, a stop on Club Bridge, and a pleasurable night in the pedestrian friendly Guantanamontrose, I do have one slight concern. I am not sure how the events of last night panned out after 3:44 am when I left the SoMoToHo. I am somewhat concern, for when I left the state of things seemed very dire indeed. Sassy was very upset, and he expressed major concern to me; unfortunately, I had an important appointment with the Dean of Drunk Driving and had to depart before properly consoling him. So, let this serve as the official press release for the SoMoToHoTsunamarama. If any of the inhabits of the ToHo were left standing after the deluge of beer and fatats (faux tats, fake tattoos), please contact the Office of the President to let the university know your whereabouts and current state of being.
Thank you all and keep up the good work!
Tour Guide Ray 
P.S. Hotel ZaZa will be offering discounted rooms to memebers of the University during the renovation and restoration of a livable SoMoToHo. Rooms have been reduced from "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" to "When you think about it, that's only 3 bottles of Grey Goose at the Roxy."

Saturday, June 27, 2009

New Course: Blasphemy 501

...because i refuse to post these on facebook for fear that my privacy settings aren't strict enough and God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit can see my photos

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Rivalry is Born?

On Saturday night, several UniG faculty members attended an art opening at the Joanna, a small house-turned-gallery just on the other side of Club Bridge. A group of men calling themselves Sketch Klubb were the creators of the art. Here's an interview from (via B.S. Houston Art Blog) with a couple of the artists, one of whom we talked to briefly and shall henceforth be known as Russell5.0:

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Summer Session C Course Preview

Summer Session B's coursework has proven to be both rigorous and quite satisfying. As a preview to our new class that will be offered next term, "Distressed Twittering," I will recap some potential tweets that could have been submitted during some of our exams over the past two weeks.

June 5th: Summer Session B's Opening Ceremonies OR 1st Night in the PoMo LoHo
  • copz are here. where's the #queso?!?!?!
  • sitting on a bench outside the gate, got the #queso @estebandice!
  • where are @timgregor and @kimdice? and where's the #queso?

June 6th: Actually this is a Dorm Room and Kim is the RA
  • @evakelly is on the floor by the #tv-- her thumb's broken. where's my drink?
  • headbutted @kimdice in the nose and knocked over the #tv!
  • sorry same-cop-from-last-night but we are having a suspenders party. and what happened to the #tv and @kdice's nose??

June Xth: 1st visit to Lola's Depot
  • stuck on that crazy island from Lost in 1954! 3 #kamikazes for $5.25... at least there are SOME perks to being stranded with these #trannies!
  • 3 #kamikazes divided by 3 = 1 #kamikaze for... shit. where's my calculator?
  • #trannies outside, #kamikazes inside...wait, am i tranny?

June 12th: Where's Red Door? OH there's a RED. DOOR.
  • wrapped around some man--swingin upside down in the #VIP room. booyah @kimdice
  • left my shoes in the #VIP room, where's my #kamikaze!
  • left my coordination in the #VIP room. shoe is filled with blood!

June 13th: Kathleen and Jessica actually can't have multiple Blue El Patio Margs and follow it up with ridiculous amounts of sunny D
  • by the end of the night ima have @kathleen drunk and throwin #up!
  • by the end of the night ima have @jtoy SO FUCKED #UP.
  • where's my car? @jtoy and @kathleen are SO FUCKED #UP they won't even answer the door.

June 17th: Guava Lamp OR Now we get a 50% discount at Brisa
  • @dennisor is a #geek-ass
  • @becs those were twins and you killed them!
  • hortencia's on my neck! i need a #kamikaze!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Eng 3396: Forgotten Classics of the Modern Western Tradition

With Summer Session A rapidly drawing to a conclusion, it is time for students to begin planning their enrollment in Summer Session B classes. I am excited to announce that along with our normal selection of classes, I will be teaching Eng 3396: Forgotten Classics of the Modern Western Tradition, featuring the following:

Written by F. Scott Fitzgerald under the pseudonym of Albina Jackson, this once controversial historical romance set in St. Bernard Parish examines the corrupt state government of Louisiana that was responsible for the construction of defective 'dusky system' of dykes and levies that resulted in the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927. After gradually fading from the literary limelight, the almost identical levy failures in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina projected the novel back into the hands of readers. Critics have described the book as “An American classic!” “Important reading, a perfect example of how history is doomed to repeat itself.” and “Excellent, despite the highly misleading title and cover art…”.

Considered to be the originator of the FNS (Fantasy National Socialism) genre, John Christopher’s groundbreaking novel, The Little People, examines the outcome of a world where the Leprechauns of Ireland have allied themselves with the Third Reich. Despite being the influence for such well known FNS novels as JJR Tolkien’s The Two Guard Towers and KJ Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Hitler-Jugend, Christopher’s novel has languished in obscurity.

Most UGM students will recognize “devil’s elbow” as the street name for particularly potent brand of hash infamous for having wrecked our esteemed Chancellor last Halloween. The name is taken from Brainerd Cheney’s agrianist classic of the same name. Examining post-Reconstruction Era Georgia, The Devil’s Elbow deals with the need for a return to a more simplistic, antebellum way of life, free of the corruption found in urban environments. Much like the hash it shares a moniker with, it will mess your prissy ass up if you don’t know how to handle it.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Breaking News: Montrose Documentary Tonight on PBS

Tune in at 9pm to see what they have to say about our wonderful home! Write up a brief summary to receive extra credit that will help make up for that test you missed that morning when you had a killer hangover.

Mixology 101

Sake Refresher
(makes one drink)

The essence of cucumber muddled with the freshness of mint makes for a super-refreshing and not-so-sweet cocktail to par with Asian foods. This drink is especially good served with sushi.

1 sprig fresh mint
4 slices fresh cucumber
¾ ounce simple syrup
1 ½ ounces vodka

½ ounce sake
¾ ounce fresh lime juice
Garnish: thin cucumber slice

Tear mint sprig and drop into a cocktail shaker. Add cucumber slices and simple syrup. Mash ingredients together with a muddler or the back of a spoon. Add vodka, sake, and lime juice. Fill shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a slice of cucumber.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Alert: Don the Cat Judger's Cousin Frequents Poison Girl

Although she is not in Don's immediate family, this girl (we do not know her name unfortunately...or do we?) is still somewhat of a threat to the world of normal conversation. Be vigilante as she might approach you or your friends and attempt to "sell" you to one of her friends. She may also frequently bring up the fact that her "sale" did not work. If caught in the situation there are three steps you must take.
  1. Engage her, but continue to talk about her as she stands right next to you, as she will not be aware of any of this.
  2. Bring up the subject of drinks (she will offer to buy you some, and this will get you at least 10 minutes of peace to talk more in-depth about how drunk and ridiculous she is)
  3. Do not worry about continuing a conversation with her, simply nod your head periodically as you make conversation with your friends and she makes conversation with herself.
As a side note, any successful attempts at trapping this girl underneath the cabbage patch kid statue will result in a semesters-worth scholarship and credit for the class "Bouncing 101: How to get rid of bar peripherals."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Karaoke 201: Advanced Techniques in Karaoke

As proposed by Dean J. Toy, Karaoke 201 will be one of the most exciting courses offered during Session A for Summer 2009 (with the possibility of sections of the course to be added in upcoming sessions). I oversaw an inservice she held recently with her top-notch team of teaching assistants--Becca, Kim, and Kathleen--and it looks like all students who enroll in this course will be in for a lot of fun. I have prepared a couple of lectures to present to compliment the Dean's lessons and there will be a special presentation by Toddicus, Grand Master of Karaoke.

Students may choose to attend course meetings on Wednesdays and/or Sundays at Guava Lamp, as well as Fridays at The Cellar. Informal sessions may occur on other nights, location to be determined. Grades will be assigned based on a variety of factors including song choice, performance style and audience reaction. Enrollment will be limited due to time restraints during each class, so be sure to sign up now to procure your spot! You will not regret it!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Summer Session A Course Proposals

  • Blogging 101: Without it, did it happen?
  • Karaoke 201: Graduate Level
  • LIT 101: The history and art of Long Island Iced Teas
  • Drink Specials 201: How to make them happen

Sunday, May 24, 2009

PSA: One Way Alcoholism Might Be A Good Thing

The University Health Department issues the following announcement: 

In light of recent events and with a general interest in the well-being of the University community in mind, a discourse has been initiated with researchers at other institutions regarding the effects of alcohol consumption on conception. This communication has yielded some interesting results. Excessive alcohol consumption by all parties involved, while often the cause of the problem in the first place, tends to lead to a greatly reduced possibility of actually creating a baby. Strange as it may seem, it appears that alcohol is actually a very dangerous toxin.

One source claims that results from a study show an intake of more than 10 drinks per week to significantly increase the likelyhood of spontaneous abortion, if there even is anything there to be aborted. Now, most of our esteemed faculty members are known to consume alcohol more at a rate of 10 drinks per night, so it would seem that we really have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, we still encourage everyone to be as careful as possible, but in the event that you are unable to catch the condoms being thrown to you through the window or you are too drunk to remember what a condom even is, just remember to chug a handle of your preferred liquor the next day and everything will probably be just fine.

ToHo quotes

I feel weird about cross-posting, but I just posted some slightly hilarious quotes from ToHo guests and randoms from Poison Girl here on dating fail.  

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Abortions that Should Have been Accessed

I'm currently participating in a symposium with Dean of Drama Llama Studies and Visiting Professor of Europedancepop on the top floor of the ToHo (site of sterile sex and Sas's fav shoes). Our topic focuses on people that should have been aborted. Babies are scary anyway, as exhibited by this picture:

1. Christina Ricci and Christina Ricci's kid:

(She looks like a scary version of our friend Mary Anne Taylor [codename: Mary Richards], and I doubt that she would mix vodka and rum quite as well at a Raj party.)
EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Christina Ricci doesn't even have a kid to abort, nor should she be aborted. I was talking about Nicole Richie. That girl is rl scurrrrry! And she stole my boyf.

2. Hallie and Dan's kid:


3. Bristol Palin's kid

4. Sarah Palin's youngest kid... what is his name? Track? Trag? Train (wreck)?

5. Or Sarah Palin could have just been aborted to avoid the whole clusterfuck.

4. The fucker from the Trojan website who sent the ToHo only ONE free condom. (EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Love Campaign mails you 12 in a red envelope with a heart and you can order them up to six times a month!)

5. Genghis Khan - he raped all the women of Asia and 20% of the population of the continent is now related to him. Gross.

6. Suri Cruise. Except that her Asian parents ended up having her and sold her to Tomkat (Suri only eats with chopsticks! Didn't you read the June 1 issue of Star?) But yeah Genghis Khan is basically Suri's dad especially since Tom Cruise is gay.

7. All the Russel(l)s that JPatt dated, is dating, or wants to date, 1-∞

8. Whoever invented Hot Pockets (but not Lean Pockets... I love that shit.)

9. The fucktard who stole our handle of Tito's that one time. Yes, he had major aborsh potensh.

10. Not Kathy Griffin.

Kathy channeling Tracie Egan channeling Lindsay Lohan channeling my boyfriend Ray after the Roxy.

Kathy channeling Paris Hilton

11. Paris Hilton herself should have def been aborted though.
11. Most Virgos. Especially if they took our Tito's.

12. Matt Thompson from Montreal (Our imaginary friend EVIL-lyn was there for all the rulzy drama, ask her).

13. Five out of the eight Gosselins' behbehs.

14. Tim's imaginary child (Tim! You DON'T have a kid and the dead squirrel in the baby crib is weird [although it does look like you]).

15. Definitely Samantha and Masons' baby from Fling (also released under the alternate title Lie to Me).
(Yes, I watched the movie twice, and the second time was even more amazing than the first.)

16. The twink slave who cut us off at Taco C on New Years. (If ur reading this: u suk).

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Think I'm The New Amtrak...

You guys need to catch up. I seem to be the only one around here who is making any progress thus far at making this summer blog-worthy. After Saturday night's debauchery, I thought everyone understood that all bets were off and the games were to begin, full speed ahead, and all that, but so far, I'm not seeing commitment from your departments.

Meanwhile, I've upped the ante by drinking no less (but quite possibly more) than 5 shots and 5 gin and tonics at Guava Lamp last night, racking up a $57.75 charge on my card, and then proceeding to not remember the end of the night, during which I managed to lose my beloved iPhone. I woke up this morning on a couch in a house that I didn't even remember going to, two hours later than I was supposed to get up to take someone to the airport. With my phone nowhere to be seen, I found two quarters on the desk and ran out of there to a pay phone on the corner of Montrose and Dallas to let the authorities* know that I was, in fact, not dead. It's surprising I was able to find those quarters because the one thing I do remember from the period of time in between being in Guava and waking up was stopping by CVS with an associate to buy a pack of cigarettes...which we paid for entirely with coins. A lot of those coins were pennies. That CVS worker had to have L O V E D us.

There is still a sliiiiiight chance that my phone will come back to me, but in all likelyhood, it would appear that the official University of GuantanaMontrose Register of Items Lost, Stolen, Broken or Otherwise Rendered Inaccessible has claimed its first victim for Summer 2009.

*By authorities, I mean my mom. She was definitely in full worried/panic mode. I honestly can't say I blame her. Sorry, Mom.

EDIT 9:20pm: FOUND MY IPHONE!! ALL IS NOT LOST! But I still win at being a trainwreck so far...though tonight is a new night.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:

Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.

Fig. 2: Car keys.

Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

The Access of Summer Access


We... are a whole type of everything.
Mal is talking about the Decemberists.
Jpatt is talking about how Mallory is useless.
Russel(and/or "l") x3 is talking about how Mal has indie cred and Portland is cool.
Grant likes jou.
Hallie has too much sass going on as a general rule.
Sas has too much sass in his wok.
Mollie is loading a bowl and a bowl of queso.
Ray and Jenny just got back from Eckerd's with the Tostitos and Camel Silvers GOODBYE

Monday, May 18, 2009

From Guest Sex Editor Mal:

Who says they have too much on their mind for sex?

This post is about a certain Master P who asks people to suck his dick, and then proceeds to ask them to leave because he has something to do early in the morning. I was like, Bitch please, it already is early in the morning and I'M something to do.

I might have told him that I like him... in kind of a, "what am I doing... I really like you" way.

I had to hide from his mom when we got back to his house.  I felt like I was 16.

This cut on my elbow is pretty deep... wonder why I was such a shit show last night.

I hope I didn't really fuck things up.

Whatever I'm brilliant.


ps- actually this wasn't advice at all
pps tuesday let's do the bars

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Follow the LULZ brick road...

It was recently pointed out by a member of our student body that the esteemed head of the Drama Llama dept, JPatt, bears a strikingly witch-like appearance. Intrigued by this theory I rushed to the Uni science facilities and began investigating. After hours of strenuous research, i.e. trying to read A Brief History of Time, deciding it was hella lame, getting really high, and watching Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, I came to the startling conclusion that JPatt is the Reverseaverse of The Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of OZ. Consider this visual evidence:

There is also the fact that both are surrounded by hairy minions; flying monkeys for the Wicked Witch, mustachioed hipster douches for JPatt. However, the subtleties of the Reverseaverse are revealed when comparing these two groups of minions; the flying monkeys have far better taste in music, with their “Oh-ee-oh, Oh-ww-oooooooh” chant, and have better taste in women than to want to sleep with their master, unlike said mustachioed hipster douches who wish to bang JPatt. Fascinating.

The ramifications of this particular example of the theory of the Reverseaverse are world shaking, in that it proves a person from our “real” world is actually the Reverseaverse of a character from a fictional world. Truly astounding…

Monday, May 11, 2009

Future Uni G Campus Party

So after 5 nights of ridiculousness that rival winter recess, I finally forced myself to take a nap today. It took me hours to fall asleep despite the fact that i was ridiculously sleepy because i think may have actual health problems related to my leisure activities. In the dream (trippiest dream of my life. also included me watching a "live feed" of myself.) there was a surprise UGMo block party that hallie had thrown us, and I will now describe what we need to do in order to access that in real life.
  1. Make a 20ft x 100ft billboard kite that has freeway exits and street signs that relate to montrose.
  2. Attach it to a spool of string that stands 4 feet tall so that it will go high enough for the whole city to see.
  3. Throw the giant spool in the air and down the street to surprise everyone and get the party started.
  4. Have piggyback ride races where people bend down. so really it's like a horse race kind of thing, except you are latched onto the person's back.
  5. Get multiple versions of this kind of thing with weird indescribable creatures instead of dragons.
  6. Baby pools. everywhere. most likely filled with vodka.
  7. Get shutdown by apartment complex property managers.
I wish I remembered more, but this certainly seems like a good start. End of term party planning committee unite!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Term Papers: Impending Doom or Happy Hour in the Model Home?

So my housemate, the every wonderful Princess Bitchette, and I have decided that our term papers (due in approx. 24 hours) are actually not that large of a priority. I have written a 3 page outline that I do not understand, and I have bullshitted two of the twenty pages. Here is my thesis:

"A primary occupation of the novel is the conflict between oral and literary practice and tradition, and the author’s insecurities highlight not only the difficulty of mediating two vastly different traditions of storytelling, but also the greater cultural difficulties that Chamoiseau’s authorial conflict allegorizes."

Anyway, this paper is clearly of high importance, and out of respect for my academic success, I decided I needed to take a break and refuel. Incidentally, Princess Bitchette simultaneously felt a scholarly break was needed. We set down our lappies and rendez-voused in the kitchen. What follows is more or less what took place:

Fig. 1. That is our "alcohol map." 

As Bichette and I snacked in the kitchen, we both realized that in less than a week we would be graduating, moving out, and leaving this chapter of our lives behind. There was clearly work to be done, and priority 1A was making sure that no child bottle of alcohol was left behind! We quickly mapped all the possible cocktail combinations, using a bottle of water as a stand-in for our vodka. The speed and alacrity with which this task was accomplished was truly astonishing, and UniGuantanamontrose has clearly taught me skills much greater than writing papers. An hour after the beginning of my "deserved break" and I am already tipsy from a concoction of Parfait Amour, Blue Curacao, Triple Sec, Contreau and Vodka. We're working our way through flavor groups, and orange seemed like the best fit. Anyway, I now have a mild headache, and even less drive to finish this paper.

Some habits die hard.
Thank you, UniG, you've taught me well!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Reverseaverse strikes again

This weekend I had the honor of meeting Hallie's bestie Clay.

He is a co-founder (or THE founder?) of the theory of Reverseaverse.

It seems I may have found him in Reverseaverse. If Clay were straight and did jujitsu, this is what he would look like.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Return of Don

Remember the cat judger/wine taster/guy that "gets emails"? Well, he has made a comeback. Although he is not meant to matriculate until fall 09, Don is already getting a jumpstart on his college workload. Just like any other student, Don goes to the library and pretends to do work. He even goes as far as to bring a large binder. His critical error however, is forgetting to open it as he plays solitaire and frequents an alternative social networking site on the computer. Here at Uni GuantanaMontrose we do not condone the abuse of public resources, but if you must, we would encourage you all to sporcle. or at least play spider solitaire

Monday, April 27, 2009

JPatt tries Reverseaverse

In my support of the advanced physics theory of Reverseaverse, I show you pet bunny Sasquatch is a Nazi in cartoon Reverseaverse:

See, this is him in Reverseaverse because in real life Sas lurvs Chancellor Steven and also luuurves the gays. A Nazi bunny, however...

And the Director of Lulztography taking lulzy photos at the SoMoToHo:

...becomes this in Reverseaverse:

Hmm it turns out that neither Mal nor our cherished Director of Lulztography change very much in Reverseaverse. Interesting. I will point out some subtle differences. First, Justin would never drink wine from the glass. Glasses are for sissies. This is obvi how we do it in Guantamontrose. Secondly, Justin doesn't own leather shoes. In fact, I think his Converse All Stars may be permanently attached to his feet. You know, the canvas and skin just kinda grew together after a while and... gross. Third, Justin wouldn't be caught dead in baggy black pants with a hole in them. No, no, he opts for ironic tight white pants from Turkey.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Good Decisions vs. Bad Decisions from the Dean

  • Good decision: drinking 16 individual bottles of sunny D with a shot of vodka in each over a 5hr period of time
  • Good decision: following this up with illegal substances and a fun-sized white chocolate kit-kat
  • Good decision: befriending a nice guy with a tazmanian devil sweatshirt on, accessing tall-boys, and making your way to an off-campus establishment
  • Bad decision: changing plans mid-drive and going to taz's house. that ends up being a t-hut.
  • Good decision: getting up and leaving, buying a jar of tostito's queso and a bag of tostito's at the gas station, and going home to eat it

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Reverseaverse Lives On

Some more Reverseaverse:

Monorail Jtoy meets:

Monorail Kendra (Girls Next Door).



Amy Winehouse... or Mal/me on a bad day?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Reverseaverse Attempt

checkout this notsuoH blog entry...with Tim playing the role of the loveable notsuoH owner

Friday, April 10, 2009

Important Questions 101

Make sure you ask whoever is allowing you to sleep on her futon about the creatures on any throw blankets she forces you to use. In general it's always helpful to ask:

"Are there dogs on that blanket?"

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

UGMo Ladies in the Reverseaverse

The Reverseaverse is a concept, somewhat hard to define, developed by myself and the distinguished Emeritus Professor of LULZ (my BFF Clay), who should be flying in for a weeklong lecture series just before the end of the term. Students interested in earning a PhD in LULZ should plan to attend his lectures, where you will learn about the advanced coursework required. It will be in one of these courses that the secrets of the Reverseaverse will be revealed to you, but until then, I present to you the following photographic example:

Ex. 1: Strip Beer Pong - JPatt, JToy, and Mal in the Reverseaverse

As you can see, these ladies like to have fun, much like their real-life counterparts, but there are some differences like the fact that the Reverseaverse ladies are not so much ladies and instead are basically fugly skanks. Also note that JPatt does not smoke, JToy wears a bikini top with a vest over it not an ill-fitting saggy bra, and Mal doesn't stick items like Menthols and her phone in her bra...oh wait, maybe she does. Some things never change, even in the Reverseaverse!

If you need some extracurricular reading material, I recommend familiarizing yourself with the blog on which I found this gem of a photo: Sorry I Missed Your Party. Bonus points if you manage to appear in a photo posted on the site. I personally have not been featured yet, but my former kitchen has!

Special Topics class

With early registration for the Fall 09 semester quickly approaching, we are pleased to inform students of a new Special Topics class in the Uni’s Macro department: “National LULZism: Macros of WW2, the Third Reich, and anti-Semitism.” The class will explore the long and illustrious history of such macros from their earliest appearances on the interwebs:

to more contemporary pieces:

Each macro will be examined and critiqued by the students, using LOLgic, Whut?, and “OMG, that’s so racist!”, to determine how macros such as these:

bring the LULZ and to what extent.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Strip Clubbing 199

Steps for Success:

1. Go on a Tuesday
2. Go to a club with a clever name, like "Teasers"
3. Have 9 beers so that when the "i don't touch you, you don't touch me [with anything but my butt]" rule is broken you are able to handle it
4. Do not intervene when "Sparkle" grabs your [girl] friend's crotch, bites her ear, and licks her face.
5. Pour beer down your own back when Sparkle decides it's your turn for an unsolicited lap dance.
6. Do not protest when Sparkle asks you to spank her.
7. Do not protest when Sparkle asks you to try again because apparently your first attempt wasn't your best work.
8. React positively to her constructive criticism that you "obviously don't know what you're doing."
9. Do not get angry when your friends call Sparkle over and rope you into buying her a drink.
10. Talk to Sparkle about her life goals and how she does real estate on the side.
11. Agree to a private dance on a couch because you assume it is compensation for buying the stripper a drink.
12. Make small talk with Sparkle about DSW shoe warehouse and other fun, wholesome, daytime activities.
13. Get a lap dance to Notorious B.I.G.'s Big Papa, realize the lap dance was $25 and go to the atm at the front while all your friends point and laugh.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Don: Cat Judger Extraordinaire

Last night a met a man... a man of many talents, and of weird, awkward sentences.

setting: BYOB coffeehouse
event: UNC vs. Duke Battle of the Bands

I feel a tap on my shoulder and a middle-aged man says "you thirsty?" and gestures towards my Colt 45. I laugh and wait for him to make his comment on the fact that i was drinking a 40, but this does not happen. What ensues is either the result of this man being a compulsive liar or mildly mentally disabled. He was WAF, but I couldn't help myself and spent the whole evening going back for more. I will now list the facts about Don in the order they were revealed to me.

1. Don is a professional wine taster for supermarkets. He drinks "world wines," and his last gig was a few weeks ago at the Kroger on 15-501.
2. To supplement his wine tasting income, Don judges cats. "I'm a cat judger" is what he tells me. "You know, CFA... Cat Fanciers' Association?"
3. Don got into the cat judging industry through his family. He grew up with cats. (Pure breads?)- "Mostly."
4. Don also works at a restaurant at RDU airport.
5. Don was in attendance at a college student event because he "gets emails." (Are you affiliated with Duke in any way?)- "No. but I'm coming here the fall." (Wow, interesting... what are you going to major in?)- "Physics."
6. As soon as Don graduates from Duke with his physics degree, he's going to the culinary institute, because he ultimately wants to be a chef.
7. In high school, Don had the highest GPA in his county- a 4.9.
8. Don attended to a "career high school" (career for what- physics?)- "No. graphic design. and the commercial food service industry"

I don't know what Don is up to today, but it probably involves the CFA and his studio apartment "over by the elementary school." I hope to see Don again some day...and find out of more of his many talents. Or maybe instead I'll find out there's an episode of candid camera with me on it, entertaining an obviously paid actor.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Studying Abroad

In addition to Dean Jtoy's list of courses for this coming quarter, I'd also like to propose a Study Abroad option. This idea came upon me when one of UG's prized students sent me this instant message from Sevilla a few minutes ago:

"haha. so i just fucked a guy and he's sitting right here. but he's spanish, so he has no idea what i'm writing!! haha!
gotta go now. just wanted to tell someone. love ya mucho mucho mucho!!!!!!"

Not only does this comment prove that someone has already begun her work on the catalogue of courses listed by Dean Jtoy, but it also demonstrates the dire need for us all to go to Spain (or anywhere but here) and get laid. In the wish of finding our own "Spring Awakening," I would like to list the possible study abroad options that lay before us. We may not all be able to go to Cabo for Spring Break with everyone and their mother in a sombrero, but we can at least find a way to go on vacation indefinitely while our parents or schools pay for it. On that note, here are some of the possibilities I am pleased to announce are available for students and faculty at the University of Guantanamontrose.
  1. Shrooming in Hermann Park with friends visiting from Austin.
  2. Cruising at the Bark Park with Professor Tim.
  3. Getting black out and fucking in a pick-up truck bed with commentary by Mal via webcam.
  4. Tubing down Buffalo Bayou with the Bringer of Lulz.
  5. Living vicariously through Tour Guide Ray and Chancellor Steven's european and Thailand facebook albums.
  6. Exploring the room of bathtubs through the midget door at Notsuoh's with Avsters.
  7. Visiting Adam and Patrick in Austin for SXSW.
  8. Stealing a plane and flying to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Oh wait, too late...
  9. Stealing a plane and flying to Duke to visit Jtoy.
  10. Hijacking one of those rockets on display at NASA and flying on it to the moon. Or maybe just Seville...
  11. Selling Sasquatch (or the pink, sparkled, assless chaps Justin stole from me because he's clearly sexually frustrated and in the closet) and using the money to visit Evelyn B in Amsterdammy.
  12. Yarwell and yarwell.
Applications are due by March 31st (a special someone's birthday;) so start your essays!

Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

New Course Proposal

I would like to propose a new course to be taught in the UGMo Art
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh

Friday, February 27, 2009

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?
Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.
Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:
  1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
  2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
  3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
  4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
  5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
  6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!
None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mixology 101

The Cement Mixer

I know what I'll be ordering for JPatt this Saturday at Boondocks...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:
  1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
  2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
  3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
    • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
    • conti and bourbon where r u
    • what streets are u at tell me
    • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
    • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
    • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
    • where the rich are u
    • I’m about to take a cab
    • outside??
    • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
    • idk jester pizza
  4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
  5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
  6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
  7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
  8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
  9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
  10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
  11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
  12. drinking king cobra on public transit
  13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
  14. aggressively ribbon dancing
  15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
  16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
  17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
  18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
  19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
  20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

Friday, February 20, 2009

Faculty Poll: Who do you think hijacked the general UGMO account?

Our one reader from Dubai, because of Ray’s blatant Islamophobia.

Boxxy, because JPatt’s jealous of her youth and good looks.

Me, because I do things for teh LULZ.

JPatt, because she’s jealous I have a crush on Boxxy.

Dancing Bears, because they haven’t been tagged in the last 10 entries.

Hallie, because she also does things for teh LULZ.

Hitler, because he took over Poland, so he’d totally take over our blog.

Eva, because she’s afraid Hitler might take over our blog like he did Poland.

Prof Tim, because can you trust a man with that haircut?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini

via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

dating fail in the 'trose

So a guy ditched me on Valentines Day.

Through a text message.

Because he was "tired."

It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.

Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.

Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:

a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor

Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:

a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?

Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.

Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Case study in doing it for Teh LULZ: Last Night

• Get super drunk early in the day off tall boys of King Cobra
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember