Sunday, May 31, 2009

Alert: Don the Cat Judger's Cousin Frequents Poison Girl

Although she is not in Don's immediate family, this girl (we do not know her name unfortunately...or do we?) is still somewhat of a threat to the world of normal conversation. Be vigilante as she might approach you or your friends and attempt to "sell" you to one of her friends. She may also frequently bring up the fact that her "sale" did not work. If caught in the situation there are three steps you must take.
  1. Engage her, but continue to talk about her as she stands right next to you, as she will not be aware of any of this.
  2. Bring up the subject of drinks (she will offer to buy you some, and this will get you at least 10 minutes of peace to talk more in-depth about how drunk and ridiculous she is)
  3. Do not worry about continuing a conversation with her, simply nod your head periodically as you make conversation with your friends and she makes conversation with herself.
As a side note, any successful attempts at trapping this girl underneath the cabbage patch kid statue will result in a semesters-worth scholarship and credit for the class "Bouncing 101: How to get rid of bar peripherals."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Karaoke 201: Advanced Techniques in Karaoke

As proposed by Dean J. Toy, Karaoke 201 will be one of the most exciting courses offered during Session A for Summer 2009 (with the possibility of sections of the course to be added in upcoming sessions). I oversaw an inservice she held recently with her top-notch team of teaching assistants--Becca, Kim, and Kathleen--and it looks like all students who enroll in this course will be in for a lot of fun. I have prepared a couple of lectures to present to compliment the Dean's lessons and there will be a special presentation by Toddicus, Grand Master of Karaoke.

Students may choose to attend course meetings on Wednesdays and/or Sundays at Guava Lamp, as well as Fridays at The Cellar. Informal sessions may occur on other nights, location to be determined. Grades will be assigned based on a variety of factors including song choice, performance style and audience reaction. Enrollment will be limited due to time restraints during each class, so be sure to sign up now to procure your spot! You will not regret it!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Summer Session A Course Proposals

  • Blogging 101: Without it, did it happen?
  • Karaoke 201: Graduate Level
  • LIT 101: The history and art of Long Island Iced Teas
  • Drink Specials 201: How to make them happen

Sunday, May 24, 2009

PSA: One Way Alcoholism Might Be A Good Thing

The University Health Department issues the following announcement: 

In light of recent events and with a general interest in the well-being of the University community in mind, a discourse has been initiated with researchers at other institutions regarding the effects of alcohol consumption on conception. This communication has yielded some interesting results. Excessive alcohol consumption by all parties involved, while often the cause of the problem in the first place, tends to lead to a greatly reduced possibility of actually creating a baby. Strange as it may seem, it appears that alcohol is actually a very dangerous toxin.

One source claims that results from a study show an intake of more than 10 drinks per week to significantly increase the likelyhood of spontaneous abortion, if there even is anything there to be aborted. Now, most of our esteemed faculty members are known to consume alcohol more at a rate of 10 drinks per night, so it would seem that we really have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, we still encourage everyone to be as careful as possible, but in the event that you are unable to catch the condoms being thrown to you through the window or you are too drunk to remember what a condom even is, just remember to chug a handle of your preferred liquor the next day and everything will probably be just fine.

ToHo quotes

I feel weird about cross-posting, but I just posted some slightly hilarious quotes from ToHo guests and randoms from Poison Girl here on dating fail.  

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Abortions that Should Have been Accessed

I'm currently participating in a symposium with Dean of Drama Llama Studies and Visiting Professor of Europedancepop on the top floor of the ToHo (site of sterile sex and Sas's fav shoes). Our topic focuses on people that should have been aborted. Babies are scary anyway, as exhibited by this picture:

1. Christina Ricci and Christina Ricci's kid:

(She looks like a scary version of our friend Mary Anne Taylor [codename: Mary Richards], and I doubt that she would mix vodka and rum quite as well at a Raj party.)
EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Christina Ricci doesn't even have a kid to abort, nor should she be aborted. I was talking about Nicole Richie. That girl is rl scurrrrry! And she stole my boyf.

2. Hallie and Dan's kid:


3. Bristol Palin's kid

4. Sarah Palin's youngest kid... what is his name? Track? Trag? Train (wreck)?

5. Or Sarah Palin could have just been aborted to avoid the whole clusterfuck.

4. The fucker from the Trojan website who sent the ToHo only ONE free condom. (EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Love Campaign mails you 12 in a red envelope with a heart and you can order them up to six times a month!)

5. Genghis Khan - he raped all the women of Asia and 20% of the population of the continent is now related to him. Gross.

6. Suri Cruise. Except that her Asian parents ended up having her and sold her to Tomkat (Suri only eats with chopsticks! Didn't you read the June 1 issue of Star?) But yeah Genghis Khan is basically Suri's dad especially since Tom Cruise is gay.

7. All the Russel(l)s that JPatt dated, is dating, or wants to date, 1-∞

8. Whoever invented Hot Pockets (but not Lean Pockets... I love that shit.)

9. The fucktard who stole our handle of Tito's that one time. Yes, he had major aborsh potensh.

10. Not Kathy Griffin.

Kathy channeling Tracie Egan channeling Lindsay Lohan channeling my boyfriend Ray after the Roxy.

Kathy channeling Paris Hilton

11. Paris Hilton herself should have def been aborted though.
11. Most Virgos. Especially if they took our Tito's.

12. Matt Thompson from Montreal (Our imaginary friend EVIL-lyn was there for all the rulzy drama, ask her).

13. Five out of the eight Gosselins' behbehs.

14. Tim's imaginary child (Tim! You DON'T have a kid and the dead squirrel in the baby crib is weird [although it does look like you]).

15. Definitely Samantha and Masons' baby from Fling (also released under the alternate title Lie to Me).
(Yes, I watched the movie twice, and the second time was even more amazing than the first.)

16. The twink slave who cut us off at Taco C on New Years. (If ur reading this: u suk).

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Think I'm The New Amtrak...

You guys need to catch up. I seem to be the only one around here who is making any progress thus far at making this summer blog-worthy. After Saturday night's debauchery, I thought everyone understood that all bets were off and the games were to begin, full speed ahead, and all that, but so far, I'm not seeing commitment from your departments.

Meanwhile, I've upped the ante by drinking no less (but quite possibly more) than 5 shots and 5 gin and tonics at Guava Lamp last night, racking up a $57.75 charge on my card, and then proceeding to not remember the end of the night, during which I managed to lose my beloved iPhone. I woke up this morning on a couch in a house that I didn't even remember going to, two hours later than I was supposed to get up to take someone to the airport. With my phone nowhere to be seen, I found two quarters on the desk and ran out of there to a pay phone on the corner of Montrose and Dallas to let the authorities* know that I was, in fact, not dead. It's surprising I was able to find those quarters because the one thing I do remember from the period of time in between being in Guava and waking up was stopping by CVS with an associate to buy a pack of cigarettes...which we paid for entirely with coins. A lot of those coins were pennies. That CVS worker had to have L O V E D us.

There is still a sliiiiiight chance that my phone will come back to me, but in all likelyhood, it would appear that the official University of GuantanaMontrose Register of Items Lost, Stolen, Broken or Otherwise Rendered Inaccessible has claimed its first victim for Summer 2009.

*By authorities, I mean my mom. She was definitely in full worried/panic mode. I honestly can't say I blame her. Sorry, Mom.

EDIT 9:20pm: FOUND MY IPHONE!! ALL IS NOT LOST! But I still win at being a trainwreck so far...though tonight is a new night.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:

Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.

Fig. 2: Car keys.

Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

The Access of Summer Access


We... are a whole type of everything.
Mal is talking about the Decemberists.
Jpatt is talking about how Mallory is useless.
Russel(and/or "l") x3 is talking about how Mal has indie cred and Portland is cool.
Grant likes jou.
Hallie has too much sass going on as a general rule.
Sas has too much sass in his wok.
Mollie is loading a bowl and a bowl of queso.
Ray and Jenny just got back from Eckerd's with the Tostitos and Camel Silvers GOODBYE

Monday, May 18, 2009

From Guest Sex Editor Mal:

Who says they have too much on their mind for sex?

This post is about a certain Master P who asks people to suck his dick, and then proceeds to ask them to leave because he has something to do early in the morning. I was like, Bitch please, it already is early in the morning and I'M something to do.

I might have told him that I like him... in kind of a, "what am I doing... I really like you" way.

I had to hide from his mom when we got back to his house.  I felt like I was 16.

This cut on my elbow is pretty deep... wonder why I was such a shit show last night.

I hope I didn't really fuck things up.

Whatever I'm brilliant.


ps- actually this wasn't advice at all
pps tuesday let's do the bars

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Follow the LULZ brick road...

It was recently pointed out by a member of our student body that the esteemed head of the Drama Llama dept, JPatt, bears a strikingly witch-like appearance. Intrigued by this theory I rushed to the Uni science facilities and began investigating. After hours of strenuous research, i.e. trying to read A Brief History of Time, deciding it was hella lame, getting really high, and watching Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, I came to the startling conclusion that JPatt is the Reverseaverse of The Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of OZ. Consider this visual evidence:

There is also the fact that both are surrounded by hairy minions; flying monkeys for the Wicked Witch, mustachioed hipster douches for JPatt. However, the subtleties of the Reverseaverse are revealed when comparing these two groups of minions; the flying monkeys have far better taste in music, with their “Oh-ee-oh, Oh-ww-oooooooh” chant, and have better taste in women than to want to sleep with their master, unlike said mustachioed hipster douches who wish to bang JPatt. Fascinating.

The ramifications of this particular example of the theory of the Reverseaverse are world shaking, in that it proves a person from our “real” world is actually the Reverseaverse of a character from a fictional world. Truly astounding…

Monday, May 11, 2009

Future Uni G Campus Party

So after 5 nights of ridiculousness that rival winter recess, I finally forced myself to take a nap today. It took me hours to fall asleep despite the fact that i was ridiculously sleepy because i think may have actual health problems related to my leisure activities. In the dream (trippiest dream of my life. also included me watching a "live feed" of myself.) there was a surprise UGMo block party that hallie had thrown us, and I will now describe what we need to do in order to access that in real life.
  1. Make a 20ft x 100ft billboard kite that has freeway exits and street signs that relate to montrose.
  2. Attach it to a spool of string that stands 4 feet tall so that it will go high enough for the whole city to see.
  3. Throw the giant spool in the air and down the street to surprise everyone and get the party started.
  4. Have piggyback ride races where people bend down. so really it's like a horse race kind of thing, except you are latched onto the person's back.
  5. Get multiple versions of this kind of thing with weird indescribable creatures instead of dragons.
  6. Baby pools. everywhere. most likely filled with vodka.
  7. Get shutdown by apartment complex property managers.
I wish I remembered more, but this certainly seems like a good start. End of term party planning committee unite!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Term Papers: Impending Doom or Happy Hour in the Model Home?

So my housemate, the every wonderful Princess Bitchette, and I have decided that our term papers (due in approx. 24 hours) are actually not that large of a priority. I have written a 3 page outline that I do not understand, and I have bullshitted two of the twenty pages. Here is my thesis:

"A primary occupation of the novel is the conflict between oral and literary practice and tradition, and the author’s insecurities highlight not only the difficulty of mediating two vastly different traditions of storytelling, but also the greater cultural difficulties that Chamoiseau’s authorial conflict allegorizes."

Anyway, this paper is clearly of high importance, and out of respect for my academic success, I decided I needed to take a break and refuel. Incidentally, Princess Bitchette simultaneously felt a scholarly break was needed. We set down our lappies and rendez-voused in the kitchen. What follows is more or less what took place:

Fig. 1. That is our "alcohol map." 

As Bichette and I snacked in the kitchen, we both realized that in less than a week we would be graduating, moving out, and leaving this chapter of our lives behind. There was clearly work to be done, and priority 1A was making sure that no child bottle of alcohol was left behind! We quickly mapped all the possible cocktail combinations, using a bottle of water as a stand-in for our vodka. The speed and alacrity with which this task was accomplished was truly astonishing, and UniGuantanamontrose has clearly taught me skills much greater than writing papers. An hour after the beginning of my "deserved break" and I am already tipsy from a concoction of Parfait Amour, Blue Curacao, Triple Sec, Contreau and Vodka. We're working our way through flavor groups, and orange seemed like the best fit. Anyway, I now have a mild headache, and even less drive to finish this paper.

Some habits die hard.
Thank you, UniG, you've taught me well!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Reverseaverse strikes again

This weekend I had the honor of meeting Hallie's bestie Clay.

He is a co-founder (or THE founder?) of the theory of Reverseaverse.

It seems I may have found him in Reverseaverse. If Clay were straight and did jujitsu, this is what he would look like.

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Return of Don

Remember the cat judger/wine taster/guy that "gets emails"? Well, he has made a comeback. Although he is not meant to matriculate until fall 09, Don is already getting a jumpstart on his college workload. Just like any other student, Don goes to the library and pretends to do work. He even goes as far as to bring a large binder. His critical error however, is forgetting to open it as he plays solitaire and frequents an alternative social networking site on the computer. Here at Uni GuantanaMontrose we do not condone the abuse of public resources, but if you must, we would encourage you all to sporcle. or at least play spider solitaire