dating fail in the 'trose

So a guy ditched me on Valentines Day.

Through a text message.

Because he was "tired."

It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.

Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.

Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:

a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor
etc.

Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:

a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?

Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.

Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Department Chair Jennifer

Seeing as most faculty members haven't spoken to one another since the great orgy of November '08 that you may or may not have been involved in, here is a great ice breaker from one of our competing websites, the facebook.com.

Someone you've slept with tags you, then once you've been tagged, either go to Planned Parenthood (Montrose Clinic, WHAAZZUP!) -or- write a list of 25 of things about yourself. These can be random facts, goals, (wet) dreams, desires, or musings, etc.

1. I didn't take a long weekend to visit friends in Austin. I had a partial birth abortion & recovered at Hotel ZaZa.

2. Two days later I sucked off the abortion doctor in the storage room of the hotel lobby.

3. I faked all orgasms with my first two "boyfriends."

4. When Ray and Steven go to bed, I wait two hours then sneak into their bedroom and watch them sleep.

5. It was ME who stole Hallie's handle of Titos that fateful night at 3a.m. I blamed the hipster because I was pissed that he wouldn't make out with me.

6. Like acclaimed actor Jamie Lee Curtis, I too was born with both female and male genitalia.

7. I liked that he hit me.

8. It seriously makes me wet when drunk guys confide in me about their mental illnesses and drug problems.

9. I once swallowed a live cockroach for $37.

10. I was so drunk and high that I threw up right after.

11. The cockroach was still alive.

12. I don't see what the big deal is about incest.

13. I never wanted you to become a writer for this blog, but I didn't protest because at the time I wanted to sleep with you. (You know who you are.)

14. I refused treatment for syphilis. Twice.

15. I think the new hipster sexuality is bestiality.

16. I have polaroids to prove this.

(Yeah, it always starts out cute, doesn't it?)

17. I never liked that guy. I just liked the idea of his roommate hearing us fuck.

18. Yeah, I stole the molasses from your party. I used it to make hash oil.
+ =

19. It wasn't just an abnormal pap smear.

20. I actually did want a relationship last spring, just not with you and that weird fucking iguana that peed everywhere.

21. I don't think my fear of beards is all that irrational.

22. If you got a Christmas present from me at any time between 2003 and 2007, then it was shoplifted.

23. I used to deal meth in Northern Alabama. It was pretty fun until someone died.

24. I know how to make a dead body disappear.

25. Your iguana didn't die of natural causes.


P.S. I tag all of you. Respond in a separate post with your 25.