A Rivalry is Born?

On Saturday night, several UniG faculty members attended an art opening at the Joanna, a small house-turned-gallery just on the other side of Club Bridge. A group of men calling themselves Sketch Klubb were the creators of the art. Here's an interview from Chron.com (via B.S. Houston Art Blog) with a couple of the artists, one of whom we talked to briefly and shall henceforth be known as Russell5.0:

Abortions that Should Have been Accessed

I'm currently participating in a symposium with Dean of Drama Llama Studies and Visiting Professor of Europedancepop on the top floor of the ToHo (site of sterile sex and Sas's fav shoes). Our topic focuses on people that should have been aborted. Babies are scary anyway, as exhibited by this picture:
















1. Christina Ricci and Christina Ricci's kid:






















(She looks like a scary version of our friend Mary Anne Taylor [codename: Mary Richards], and I doubt that she would mix vodka and rum quite as well at a Raj party.)
EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Christina Ricci doesn't even have a kid to abort, nor should she be aborted. I was talking about Nicole Richie. That girl is rl scurrrrry! And she stole my boyf.

2. Hallie and Dan's kid:



3. Bristol Palin's kid

4. Sarah Palin's youngest kid... what is his name? Track? Trag? Train (wreck)?

5. Or Sarah Palin could have just been aborted to avoid the whole clusterfuck.














4. The fucker from the Trojan website who sent the ToHo only ONE free condom. (EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Love Campaign mails you 12 in a red envelope with a heart and you can order them up to six times a month!)

5. Genghis Khan - he raped all the women of Asia and 20% of the population of the continent is now related to him. Gross.

6. Suri Cruise. Except that her Asian parents ended up having her and sold her to Tomkat (Suri only eats with chopsticks! Didn't you read the June 1 issue of Star?) But yeah Genghis Khan is basically Suri's dad especially since Tom Cruise is gay.

7. All the Russel(l)s that JPatt dated, is dating, or wants to date, 1-∞

8. Whoever invented Hot Pockets (but not Lean Pockets... I love that shit.)

9. The fucktard who stole our handle of Tito's that one time. Yes, he had major aborsh potensh.

10. Not Kathy Griffin.


















Kathy channeling Tracie Egan channeling Lindsay Lohan channeling my boyfriend Ray after the Roxy.































Kathy channeling Paris Hilton

11. Paris Hilton herself should have def been aborted though.
11. Most Virgos. Especially if they took our Tito's.

12. Matt Thompson from Montreal (Our imaginary friend EVIL-lyn was there for all the rulzy drama, ask her).

13. Five out of the eight Gosselins' behbehs.

















14. Tim's imaginary child (Tim! You DON'T have a kid and the dead squirrel in the baby crib is weird [although it does look like you]).

15. Definitely Samantha and Masons' baby from Fling (also released under the alternate title Lie to Me).
(Yes, I watched the movie twice, and the second time was even more amazing than the first.)

16. The twink slave who cut us off at Taco C on New Years. (If ur reading this: u suk).

Follow the LULZ brick road...

It was recently pointed out by a member of our student body that the esteemed head of the Drama Llama dept, JPatt, bears a strikingly witch-like appearance. Intrigued by this theory I rushed to the Uni science facilities and began investigating. After hours of strenuous research, i.e. trying to read A Brief History of Time, deciding it was hella lame, getting really high, and watching Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, I came to the startling conclusion that JPatt is the Reverseaverse of The Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of OZ. Consider this visual evidence:


There is also the fact that both are surrounded by hairy minions; flying monkeys for the Wicked Witch, mustachioed hipster douches for JPatt. However, the subtleties of the Reverseaverse are revealed when comparing these two groups of minions; the flying monkeys have far better taste in music, with their “Oh-ee-oh, Oh-ww-oooooooh” chant, and have better taste in women than to want to sleep with their master, unlike said mustachioed hipster douches who wish to bang JPatt. Fascinating.

The ramifications of this particular example of the theory of the Reverseaverse are world shaking, in that it proves a person from our “real” world is actually the Reverseaverse of a character from a fictional world. Truly astounding…

dating fail in the 'trose

So a guy ditched me on Valentines Day.

Through a text message.

Because he was "tired."

It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.

Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.

Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:

a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor
etc.

Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:

a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?

Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.

Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.

If the Obamas get to have Blackberries

...then I want a Pomegranate Phone!
It looks so versatile! I could see any of the faculty using it during class presentations, to get out of language barriers in Dubai, or even for simple distraction while others splash around in the hot tub. I hear that Pomegranate 2.0 will feature an Emergen-C/vodka mixing function, so we'll have more time to watch "Bring it On" marathons and read about guys JPatt thinks are cute on her personal blog.

Reasons why EaDo maybe isn't that bad

EaDo* (East Downtown) isn't as bad as we think, although it is nowhere near as hip and gay as SoMo.

Reasons EaDo doesn't suck THAT hard:

1. Hipster parties
They're not that bad! Paul throws them with a bunch of hip hipsters in this big 'ole warehouse full of dark make-out corners. They might tell you to pay $5 for all-you-can-drink keg and bar, but the cover is really just a suggestion. I find it quite effective to slam down a crumpled one dollar bill, announce that it should cover all your friends, then make a mad dash to the pulsing— yes, pulsing— dance floor.

2. Ramesh from Voxtrot
Even though Ramesh thinks I'm totally crazy and in love with his guitarist Mitch, I still like seeing him every now and then and shouting maniacally, "RAMESH! RAMESH! You played at my friend's birthday party and you lived next door to Sparker and oh my god we're hanging out again. I'm like a celebrity, Ramesh!" He loves hearing stuff like that. Anyway, yeah, when Ramesh or any of the Voxtrotters are in Houston, they go to EaDo and play crazy after parties.

Last March's Voxtrot after party featured torches. How romantic and tribal and hip!

Then I climbed up onto this weird tractor thing with an indie guy in a funny hat! Look how happy I was! I haven't been that happy since, like, Ray was in town.

3. Drugs
Now I don't know about this one for sure, but when I was wasted and making out with some fixster (that's a fixed gear hipster, obvi) I think I witnessed a pot deal take place in a parking lot. EaDo is so dangerous that chances are you could find a dead body on the corner and just take the pot right out of the corpse's pockets and be on your merry way. Did you hear that? FREE POT!

4. Train hoppers
The last time I was in EaDo for that warehouse party I vaguely remember stumbling over some train tracks. Train tracks mean trains. And trains mean train hoppers!

(OMG, cute! According to the comments on the flickr account, his name is Poïo. Everywhere they went all he wanted to do was "watch America's Funniest Home Videos and go on 'dark missions.'" He sounds great!)

Train hopper guys also are pretty cool because you don't have to worry about them not calling you since they don't believe in phones and definitely don't have computers. Instead, they contact you through indie things like messenger pigeons and postcards from jail.

5. Dancing hipsters... and DANCING BEARS
If you don't like hipsters, then you probably like dancing. If you don't like dancing, then you probably like hipsters. And everyone likes dancing bears. Jacob Calle, (pictured below in yellow hoodie) has a bear costume and frequently wears it and dances around. He received media attention as the Hurricane Ike Bear.

Here is my cousin E-Patt (with raised arm) enjoying an EaDo party with Jacob. They're pretty fucking hip and do not go to parties with high school kids, just smelly fixster guys with skinny jeans and attitudes. If you still worry that the EaDo guys are in high school, rest assured that I ran background checks on the last six IDs I stole from Paul's party. Yeah, they had felonies, but they def weren't in high school. They dropped out of that shit years ago.

*For the argument's sake, I have included the perhaps too far north warehouse district in EaDo. Deal with it.

Puhleeeze

Apparently, we have competition. A nonexistent neighborhood has formed out of the ashes of Ike and possibly the warehouse party Hallie, Jpatt, Karate Kid and I snuck into last fall. This comes like "a unicorn getting punched in the face," a phrase used by one EaDo promoter.

Reasons SoMo (South Montrose) beats EaDo (East Downtown):
-SoMo has greater access to TAs and guys Jpatt thinks are cute. It's also closer to the toho residents' OTL physicians/therapists/hot tub.
-EaDo has greater access to the ship channel? idek.
-SoMo has both martini bars and numerous late night TexMex hotspots.
-EaDo probably does have Ninfa's on Navigation, but that is not where "the beauitful people meet to eat."
-SoMo is a much shorter walk from karaoke at The Cellar.
-EaDo may have a grafitti "art" gallery, but SoMo has a world-class university and a classy CVS with fun, "dynamic" employees.
-Amtrak does not service EaDo.

Both seem to be equidistant to Samantha Ronson's chosen venue, but we're working on an expansion project of the patio at the toho to lure her into our sexy domain.

ew, sick!

I contacted the University of Guantanamontrose Health Department today, and together we regret to inform students and faculty that I, the Department Chair of Drama Llama Studies, have fallen ill. As a safety precaution, we ask that everyone gets a meningitis vaccine. (Or, as an equally effective alternative to the costly vaccine, students can add a package of Emergen-C to their vodka.)

I do not have meningitis nor have I been in contact with anyone with the disease. However, as a prestigious university we feel obligated to have at least one meningitis scare per semester.

I'm currently following in the footsteps of the heroic Tour Guide Ray and completely denying my illness. Tomorrow I will attend the much anticipated indie debauchery of Broken Social Scene in order to meet SHSGs and hipsters as research for my 2009 thesis, tentatively titled "Failing at Dating in the 'Strose."

UGMo Bible

I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.

Excerpts might resemble the following:

GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.

EPIC hipster FAIL

Srzly; I just threw up in my mouth a little lot.

How to Spot a Bachelor

1. He sleeps on a mattress without sheets for months.

2. Everything is covered in dog hair even though he doesn't own a dog.

3. He lives by a clock that either hasn't been reset from daylight savings time or is blinking 12:00.

4. He has at least two futons.

5. There's nothing in his shower other than a bar of soap and a magazine.

6. The only electronic device that works in the apartment is the TV.

7. His mattress sags in the middle, but he stopped noticing years ago.

7. A half empty can of Pabst on the coffee table doubles as an ashtray.

8. Artwork is attached to the wall with gum, safety pins, or a single tack. Frames are completely out of the question.

9. This 'artwork' consists of either a Nirvana poster or gifts from his ex girlfriends

10. He leaves his clean laundry in the 'clean' hamper and keeps a separate pile for dirty clothes. He picks from both caches when getting dressed in the morning afternoon.

11. He never puts toilet paper on the roll.

12. An empty case of Busch light and a bottle of expired mustard are the sole contents of the fridge.

13. There's a pair of pants with the boxers still in them and an open book in front of his toilet.