Dimitri

I don't know why this guy is getting such a bad rap... I mean we can't help it if women approach us 6 to 7 times a day.

Pop Quiz - "Blow me awake"

Please write, in whatever format you find appropriate, your thoughts on the concept of Text Message Booty Calls. Points to discuss include when (if ever) this is appropriate, how one should respond, what happens later if one rejects the offer and anything else you have to say on the matter.

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

dating fail in the 'trose

So a guy ditched me on Valentines Day.

Through a text message.

Because he was "tired."

It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.

Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.

Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:

a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor
etc.

Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:

a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?

Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.

Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.

Case study in doing it for Teh LULZ: Last Night

• Get super drunk early in the day off tall boys of King Cobra
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember

When plague 2 meets plague 6

I hope everyone is working on their drunken V-Day poetry for the contest…

Brunelleschi minus Brunelleschi

Garfield minus Garfield

How to Spot a Bachelor

1. He sleeps on a mattress without sheets for months.

2. Everything is covered in dog hair even though he doesn't own a dog.

3. He lives by a clock that either hasn't been reset from daylight savings time or is blinking 12:00.

4. He has at least two futons.

5. There's nothing in his shower other than a bar of soap and a magazine.

6. The only electronic device that works in the apartment is the TV.

7. His mattress sags in the middle, but he stopped noticing years ago.

7. A half empty can of Pabst on the coffee table doubles as an ashtray.

8. Artwork is attached to the wall with gum, safety pins, or a single tack. Frames are completely out of the question.

9. This 'artwork' consists of either a Nirvana poster or gifts from his ex girlfriends

10. He leaves his clean laundry in the 'clean' hamper and keeps a separate pile for dirty clothes. He picks from both caches when getting dressed in the morning afternoon.

11. He never puts toilet paper on the roll.

12. An empty case of Busch light and a bottle of expired mustard are the sole contents of the fridge.

13. There's a pair of pants with the boxers still in them and an open book in front of his toilet.