Shenanigans 350: A Slight Concern

As Summer Session B continues on in all its glory, the course Shenanigans 350 seems to be getting high honors at regional debates and competitions. This letter should serve as formal acknowledgement, support, praise and validation for all the faculty members and students involved in the Division of Shenanigans, the specific course Shenanigans 350, and all the necessary research projects and grants involved in the formers' execution.

It seems that between the Bringer of Lulz and myself, Tour Guide Ray, this course has received more grant money than any other department, COMBINED! I'm not quite sure from where these funds are coming (perhaps we applied and received a Fullbright and then forgot about it?), but they are copious and some how seem to launder only to JR's and Guava.

Secondly, I would like to congratulate this course for its vivacious and tenacious dedication to Gay Pride. Not only did the UniG Division of Shenanigans have a faculty member in the parade itself (on a float for what exactly, I'm still unsure?), but two of UniG's most distinguished faculty members, along with two visiting professors, sat on the board of the parade along with Toddicus, some rando, and Roula and Ryan from the 104 KRBE Morning Show! Along with announcing the passing floats, the board members also crawled under "local celebrities" chairs to grab beads, frisbees and t-shirts. These dedicated faculty members get highest honors for their work, and I am sure that their chosen charities will profit greatly from the donations collected at the Parade.

Third, I would like to congratulate myself for not stealing the Chancellor's car last night like I did approximately one annum ago. It took perseverance and self-discipline, but I managed to drive away from the Toho's Trendy, Indie, Hipster Party in my own vehicle.

However, despite all of this great news, a wonderful takeout adventure at Chapultepec, a stop on Club Bridge, and a pleasurable night in the pedestrian friendly Guantanamontrose, I do have one slight concern. I am not sure how the events of last night panned out after 3:44 am when I left the SoMoToHo. I am somewhat concern, for when I left the state of things seemed very dire indeed. Sassy was very upset, and he expressed major concern to me; unfortunately, I had an important appointment with the Dean of Drunk Driving and had to depart before properly consoling him. So, let this serve as the official press release for the SoMoToHoTsunamarama. If any of the inhabits of the ToHo were left standing after the deluge of beer and fatats (faux tats, fake tattoos), please contact the Office of the President to let the university know your whereabouts and current state of being.

Thank you all and keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Tour Guide Ray 

P.S. Hotel ZaZa will be offering discounted rooms to memebers of the University during the renovation and restoration of a livable SoMoToHo. Rooms have been reduced from "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" to "When you think about it, that's only 3 bottles of Grey Goose at the Roxy."

Breaking News: Montrose Documentary Tonight on PBS

Tune in at 9pm to see what they have to say about our wonderful home! Write up a brief summary to receive extra credit that will help make up for that test you missed that morning when you had a killer hangover.

A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:


Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.


Fig. 2: Car keys.


Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

25 Things You Didn't Know About Department Chair Jennifer

Seeing as most faculty members haven't spoken to one another since the great orgy of November '08 that you may or may not have been involved in, here is a great ice breaker from one of our competing websites, the facebook.com.

Someone you've slept with tags you, then once you've been tagged, either go to Planned Parenthood (Montrose Clinic, WHAAZZUP!) -or- write a list of 25 of things about yourself. These can be random facts, goals, (wet) dreams, desires, or musings, etc.

1. I didn't take a long weekend to visit friends in Austin. I had a partial birth abortion & recovered at Hotel ZaZa.

2. Two days later I sucked off the abortion doctor in the storage room of the hotel lobby.

3. I faked all orgasms with my first two "boyfriends."

4. When Ray and Steven go to bed, I wait two hours then sneak into their bedroom and watch them sleep.

5. It was ME who stole Hallie's handle of Titos that fateful night at 3a.m. I blamed the hipster because I was pissed that he wouldn't make out with me.

6. Like acclaimed actor Jamie Lee Curtis, I too was born with both female and male genitalia.

7. I liked that he hit me.

8. It seriously makes me wet when drunk guys confide in me about their mental illnesses and drug problems.

9. I once swallowed a live cockroach for $37.

10. I was so drunk and high that I threw up right after.

11. The cockroach was still alive.

12. I don't see what the big deal is about incest.

13. I never wanted you to become a writer for this blog, but I didn't protest because at the time I wanted to sleep with you. (You know who you are.)

14. I refused treatment for syphilis. Twice.

15. I think the new hipster sexuality is bestiality.

16. I have polaroids to prove this.

(Yeah, it always starts out cute, doesn't it?)

17. I never liked that guy. I just liked the idea of his roommate hearing us fuck.

18. Yeah, I stole the molasses from your party. I used it to make hash oil.
+ =

19. It wasn't just an abnormal pap smear.

20. I actually did want a relationship last spring, just not with you and that weird fucking iguana that peed everywhere.

21. I don't think my fear of beards is all that irrational.

22. If you got a Christmas present from me at any time between 2003 and 2007, then it was shoplifted.

23. I used to deal meth in Northern Alabama. It was pretty fun until someone died.

24. I know how to make a dead body disappear.

25. Your iguana didn't die of natural causes.


P.S. I tag all of you. Respond in a separate post with your 25.

Miss Yousef, Do You Like Mermaids?

Apparently there is another party mecca with the title Access. Reads the NYT article:

Ms. Yousef picked up her new language and thinking skills as part of Access, an after school English language program that is a small, almost invisible corner of the United States Department of State’s multibillion-dollar budget . . . Access arrived in Egypt about two years ago and 182 teenagers from all over the country, Christians and Muslims, young men and young women, have graduated from the program. The only requirement is that they come from poor families.

(more here, I totes identified w/ Rizk Massoud's statement)

I know that UniGuaMo is a private institution, where the only requirement is that the students be either Athiests or wayward Jews from upper middle class families, but I would still <3 a few dollars from the Department of State. I think we need to get Hillary, Miss Yousef and probably Mallory (b/c she speaks Spanish) all in a room together to work something out, eh?