With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.
Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.
Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.
Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.
Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.
Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.
Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.
Showing posts with label designer vaginas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label designer vaginas. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
dating fail in the 'trose
So a guy ditched me on Valentines Day.
Through a text message.
Because he was "tired."
It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.
Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.
Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:
a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor
etc.
Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:
a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?
Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.
Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.
Through a text message.
Because he was "tired."
It was his suggestion to hang out Saturday in the first place. I guess homeboy freaked out when he realized it was V-Day and assumed I was expecting two dozen roses and a puppy.
Of course everyone advised against calling him to express my disgust. Personally, I think we should call out people's bullshit much more often. Ignoring unacceptable behavior is akin to faking an orgasm: it's a little bit dishonest and a lot bit counterproductive to getting pleased in the future.
Thus, I suggest we develop a memo pad for notifying people that their fuck-up will not go unnoticed. When someone fucks you over, you can fill out the misdeed or perhaps check a convenient box listing the appropriate category such as:
a. Flaked out
b. Forgot my birthday
c. Took a handful of klonopin and said he loved me on second "date."
d. Stole my car/ peed in my car while drunk
e. Refused to pay for half of my abortion
f. Pretended not to know me when I saw him out with his new boyfriend
g. Did not reciprocate sexual favor
etc.
Then there will be a separate section listing the result of the action. Potential options include:
a. Not talking to you EVER
b. Really I'm not talking to you, get the fuck out of my life.
c. Okay maybe we can hang out, but we're NOT having sex
d. Unless I'm drunk.
e. Call me?
Then you'll get the memo notarized, and it will go on on the person's permanent record, and then he/she will get arrested after x number of offenses or have to pay a fine not to exceed $400. These records will be made public via the wonders of teh internetz and/or a facebook application that only 17-year-olds add.
Wow I was mostly kidding but I think someone might have beaten me to the punch with this and this, items that pseudo hipsters probably buy at Urban Outfitters.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Mother Mary would be jealous
This morning woke up from a nightmare that I gave birth to twin rabbits— naked, blind, screaming rabbits. The birthing bunnies thing didn't perplex me. I wanted to know how the fuck I became pregnant in the first place. These buns were screaming, and I was pissed.
Then they started nursing and wrecked my boobs. Then the little tit-ruining bastards had the nerve to fucking die on me.
That's how it works: you play Virgin Mary for some lagomorphs and they repay you with death.
Then they started nursing and wrecked my boobs. Then the little tit-ruining bastards had the nerve to fucking die on me.
That's how it works: you play Virgin Mary for some lagomorphs and they repay you with death.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Grant proposal idea
As the Dean of Drama Llama Studies, I feel almost obligated to discuss the topic of babies. Babies cause a lot of drama. (See the terms 'baby drama' and 'baby mama drama.')
Recently I've begun writing a grant proposal to research why women are obsessed with natural births, even when it means intense pain and wrecking their vadges forever.
I got this wonderful thesis idea back when Steven and had free cable. I watched a fair amount of TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" for initial research material. All of these preggers women insisted on natural births. In one such case, the lady's baby was upside down and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.
After what seemed like hours of persuading, she finally caved and agreed to a Caesarean section. But she wanted a vaginal birth after c-section!
The doc was already slicing her open, partially removing the behbeh, and she still wanted the thing to shoot out of her? I simply do not understand.
I would want that thing out of me stat, preferably days (or weeks? months?) before my due date. Maybe this is because as an unwed college twenty-something my top four fears are:
1. Walgreens running out of US Weekly (Had a nightmare about that last night: will post later!)
2. There not being any hot straight guys at Poison Girl
3. Pregnancy
4. Hipsters stealing my vodka
Recently I've begun writing a grant proposal to research why women are obsessed with natural births, even when it means intense pain and wrecking their vadges forever.
I got this wonderful thesis idea back when Steven and had free cable. I watched a fair amount of TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" for initial research material. All of these preggers women insisted on natural births. In one such case, the lady's baby was upside down and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.
After what seemed like hours of persuading, she finally caved and agreed to a Caesarean section. But she wanted a vaginal birth after c-section!
The doc was already slicing her open, partially removing the behbeh, and she still wanted the thing to shoot out of her? I simply do not understand.
I would want that thing out of me stat, preferably days (or weeks? months?) before my due date. Maybe this is because as an unwed college twenty-something my top four fears are:
1. Walgreens running out of US Weekly (Had a nightmare about that last night: will post later!)
2. There not being any hot straight guys at Poison Girl
3. Pregnancy
4. Hipsters stealing my vodka
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