Seeing as most faculty members haven't spoken to one another since the great orgy of November '08 that you may or may not have been involved in, here is a great ice breaker from one of our competing websites, the facebook.com.
1. I didn't take a long weekend to visit friends in Austin. I had a partial birth abortion & recovered at Hotel ZaZa.
2. Two days later I sucked off the abortion doctor in the storage room of the hotel lobby.
3. I faked all orgasms with my first two "boyfriends."
4. When Ray and Steven go to bed, I wait two hours then sneak into their bedroom and watch them sleep.
5. It was ME who stole Hallie's handle of Titos that fateful night at 3a.m. I blamed the hipster because I was pissed that he wouldn't make out with me.
6. Like acclaimed actor Jamie Lee Curtis, I too was born with both female and male genitalia.
7. I liked that he hit me.
8. It seriously makes me wet when drunk guys confide in me about their mental illnesses and drug problems.
9. I once swallowed a live cockroach for $37.
10. I was so drunk and high that I threw up right after.
11. The cockroach was still alive.
12. I don't see what the big deal is about incest.
13. I never wanted you to become a writer for this blog, but I didn't protest because at the time I wanted to sleep with you. (You know who you are.)
14. I refused treatment for syphilis. Twice.
15. I think the new hipster sexuality is bestiality.
16. I have polaroids to prove this.
(Yeah, it always starts out cute, doesn't it?)
17. I never liked that guy. I just liked the idea of his roommate hearing us fuck.
18. Yeah, I stole the molasses from your party. I used it to make hash oil.
+ =
19. It wasn't just an abnormal pap smear.
20. I actually did want a relationship last spring, just not with you and that weird fucking iguana that peed everywhere.
21. I don't think my fear of beards is all that irrational.
22. If you got a Christmas present from me at any time between 2003 and 2007, then it was shoplifted.
23. I used to deal meth in Northern Alabama. It was pretty fun until someone died.
24. I know how to make a dead body disappear.
25. Your iguana didn't die of natural causes.
P.S. I tag all of you. Respond in a separate post with your 25.
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