Monday, February 9, 2009

25 Things You Didn't Know About Department Chair Jennifer

Seeing as most faculty members haven't spoken to one another since the great orgy of November '08 that you may or may not have been involved in, here is a great ice breaker from one of our competing websites, the

Someone you've slept with tags you, then once you've been tagged, either go to Planned Parenthood (Montrose Clinic, WHAAZZUP!) -or- write a list of 25 of things about yourself. These can be random facts, goals, (wet) dreams, desires, or musings, etc.

1. I didn't take a long weekend to visit friends in Austin. I had a partial birth abortion & recovered at Hotel ZaZa.

2. Two days later I sucked off the abortion doctor in the storage room of the hotel lobby.

3. I faked all orgasms with my first two "boyfriends."

4. When Ray and Steven go to bed, I wait two hours then sneak into their bedroom and watch them sleep.

5. It was ME who stole Hallie's handle of Titos that fateful night at 3a.m. I blamed the hipster because I was pissed that he wouldn't make out with me.

6. Like acclaimed actor Jamie Lee Curtis, I too was born with both female and male genitalia.

7. I liked that he hit me.

8. It seriously makes me wet when drunk guys confide in me about their mental illnesses and drug problems.

9. I once swallowed a live cockroach for $37.

10. I was so drunk and high that I threw up right after.

11. The cockroach was still alive.

12. I don't see what the big deal is about incest.

13. I never wanted you to become a writer for this blog, but I didn't protest because at the time I wanted to sleep with you. (You know who you are.)

14. I refused treatment for syphilis. Twice.

15. I think the new hipster sexuality is bestiality.

16. I have polaroids to prove this.

(Yeah, it always starts out cute, doesn't it?)

17. I never liked that guy. I just liked the idea of his roommate hearing us fuck.

18. Yeah, I stole the molasses from your party. I used it to make hash oil.
+ =

19. It wasn't just an abnormal pap smear.

20. I actually did want a relationship last spring, just not with you and that weird fucking iguana that peed everywhere.

21. I don't think my fear of beards is all that irrational.

22. If you got a Christmas present from me at any time between 2003 and 2007, then it was shoplifted.

23. I used to deal meth in Northern Alabama. It was pretty fun until someone died.

24. I know how to make a dead body disappear.

25. Your iguana didn't die of natural causes.

P.S. I tag all of you. Respond in a separate post with your 25.

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