New Course: Blasphemy 501

...because i refuse to post these on facebook for fear that my privacy settings aren't strict enough and God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit can see my photos

Summer Session A Course Proposals

• Blogging 101: Without it, did it happen?
• Karaoke 201: Graduate Level
• LIT 101: The history and art of Long Island Iced Teas
• Drink Specials 201: How to make them happen
  

Security Breach

The University of Guantanamontrose is not posting out of pity this time. Instead, we, as a community, are taking a stand against the injustices to honor, principles, and private property experienced in the past few days.

In the past month, members of the community (mostly faculty) have collectively had two cars towed, another "misplaced for 24 hours," and two more broken into "on campus" via smashed windows. We have had a handle of Tito's, two bank statements, two credit cards, two driver's licenses, and $17.45 in cash stolen. Credit purchases on said cards have amounted to $23.99 at James Coney Island, $22.87 at Exxon, and $55.55 at South Beach (oops, that last one might have been mine...) We have also had a minor amount of pot and a large amount of cigarettes mysteriously disappear.

This list does not even include things Unigauntanamontrose members thought disappeared but later found out (through photographic evidence) that they in fact consumed unawares.

If crimes of this nature continue, the University may have to take dire actions. We are already downsizing on campus party funds. The school will also strive to maintain a "certain level of quality" in members allowed to matriculate. Our standards have been raised; our generosity diminished. It's time for a new Gauntanamontrose.

On a more pleasant note, Unigauntanmontrose would like to share a small piece of kharma and campus pride. One of our very own has finally made it on Stuff White People Like. We are very proud and delicately elated at how dashingly buff a said someone looks in the photo SWPL discovered. I wish camera angles did that to me!

Finally, I feel the Community must actually face the issue of brothels in the SOMO and NOMO vicinity and their aggressive monopolization of both HPD and campus security. While at Agora for happy hour on Monday, several members of the UG faculty witnessed a brothel fight. Two women, neither wearing shoes, yelled and screamed at a shirtless man in front of a building made of cinder-blocks and held together with chewing gum. It took no less than 10 minutes for 3 cop cars to show up and "mediate" this brawl. Why did this brothel get so much more attention than the non-existent response provided by HPD to the campus during said vodka-stealing incidents?

We find the allocation of city utilities and their inability to cooperate with our own forces revolting. Perhaps, as a reparation, the U.S. government can give UG all the troops from our namesake in Cuba after Obama closes the operation? I'll leave this acquisition and its proper handling open as a topic for discussion.

Long Live Guantanamontrose!

Re: On-Campus Drinking

The University's student pub/nightclub, ACCESS, offers a more legitimate alternative to the underground substance-infused scene at Club Bridge. The "Rosetta Stone" will serve as the signature cocktail at Access. Clearly Campari will hold centerstage:


Rosetta Stone

1 1/2 oz Campari
1/2 oz creme de cassis
2 oz club soda
1.57 ice cubes
blood orange wedge

Serve in highball glass.

If serving to underage girls, add 4 oz peach shnapps. Girls love peach schnapps.

Just really nice.

I just awoke from a dream, in which George Bush had a beautiful nephew and I met him at the rodeo and we fell in love.



By the by, pajama party tonight! Here are my options, I want to look rulzy sexy for Bush's nephew I mean my boooyfriend!!

1. Adorbs
2. Classy as Fuck
3. Fire Crotch

Let me know what you guys think I'm nervous!