Pop Quiz - "Blow me awake"

Please write, in whatever format you find appropriate, your thoughts on the concept of Text Message Booty Calls. Points to discuss include when (if ever) this is appropriate, how one should respond, what happens later if one rejects the offer and anything else you have to say on the matter.

Guaranteed Admission to UGMo

As the Fall Semester begins, I know many high school seniors are beginning to prepare their applications for admission to the esteemed University of GuantanaMontrose for next year. I just wanted to provide a quick tip for those who aspire to join our wonderful academic society: Be sure to include evidence of ways in which you embody the spirit and ideals upon which UniG was founded. Here is an example of some precocious young girls who were already hoping to be accepted way back in 2002 before our university was even created:

These girls exhibit their extreme love of queso, which is one of the important criteria for being accepted to UGMo.

Please be sure to complete your applications and submit them for review by the Chancellor and Deans no later than December 15th, 2009. After that date, the entire UniG faculty and staff will be too wasted to know what an application even is. Thank you.

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

Breaking News: Montrose Documentary Tonight on PBS

Tune in at 9pm to see what they have to say about our wonderful home! Write up a brief summary to receive extra credit that will help make up for that test you missed that morning when you had a killer hangover.

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Good Decisions vs. Bad Decisions from the Dean

• Good decision: drinking 16 individual bottles of sunny D with a shot of vodka in each over a 5hr period of time
• Good decision: following this up with illegal substances and a fun-sized white chocolate kit-kat
• Good decision: befriending a nice guy with a tazmanian devil sweatshirt on, accessing tall-boys, and making your way to an off-campus establishment
• Bad decision: changing plans mid-drive and going to taz's house. that ends up being a t-hut.
• Good decision: getting up and leaving, buying a jar of tostito's queso and a bag of tostito's at the gas station, and going home to eat it

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:

1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
   

   • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
   • conti and bourbon where r u
   • what streets are u at tell me
   • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
   • TEXT MESSAGING USE IT
   • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
   • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
   • where the rich are u
   • I’m about to take a cab
   • outside??
   • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
   • idk jester pizza

4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
   
9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
   
10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
12. drinking king cobra on public transit
    
13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
14. aggressively ribbon dancing
15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
    
20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

Graduate School of Dentistry

Regarding complaints that the students attending our school of dentistry have been abusing their supply of nitrous oxide, Uni GuantanaMontrose would like to issue an official apology. David and his family have been compensated with a tuition-waived UGMo education, and unnecessary amounts of nitrous oxide will now only be used on children ages 12 and older.

Miss Yousef, Do You Like Mermaids?

Apparently there is another party mecca with the title Access. Reads the NYT article:

Ms. Yousef picked up her new language and thinking skills as part of Access, an after school English language program that is a small, almost invisible corner of the United States Department of State’s multibillion-dollar budget . . . Access arrived in Egypt about two years ago and 182 teenagers from all over the country, Christians and Muslims, young men and young women, have graduated from the program. The only requirement is that they come from poor families.

(more here, I totes identified w/ Rizk Massoud's statement)

I know that UniGuaMo is a private institution, where the only requirement is that the students be either Athiests or wayward Jews from upper middle class families, but I would still <3 a few dollars from the Department of State. I think we need to get Hillary, Miss Yousef and probably Mallory (b/c she speaks Spanish) all in a room together to work something out, eh?

Wake n' Bacon

I promise an automatic conferral of a PhD in Bacon Engineering to anyone who can successfully replicate or access this invention and delivers it to me for my birthday:

Click here to read more.

UGMo Bible

I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.

Excerpts might resemble the following:

GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.

Access...

Troubles on Campus

I am writing to inform all community members that the events of last night have officially caused the janitorial staff of the University to go on strike. At this time, we are uncertain of the repercussion of this, but we imagine Club Access and the SoMoToHo will probably not be in a sanitary state for the rest of the weekend. The deans are in discussion with the janitors, and both sides hope to have a speedy negotiation. The only campus facility still in proper condition is Club Bridge, as the recent low temperatures have led campus members to utilize other venues. Tonight, however, it is a balmy 63 degrees, and the faculty hopes that students will heed the advice of avoiding the above mentioned uncleaned areas in favor of Club Bridge.

That's all.

P.S. Mal will be happy to find plenty of HSGs accessing the 59.

P.P.S. We all hope this tempest will pass soon.

Bad Things Happen to Not So Good People

Last night was a very careful dance of evading another threesome. It also was a night of going out to a bar, getting trashed, and then coming back home and finishing off a whole new bottle of vodka before bed. Why, oh why, and when, oh when, did we all decide pre and post-parties are a necessary part of any night out? I woke up at 11am and realized I'd completely missed my flight and five calls from my family. Looks like I've also evaded a mandatory family trip.

I think it's about time for Uniguantanmontrose to start up for the semester because I am in serious need of edification in Hallie's "Good Decisions v. Bad Decisions 101." Looks like avoiding threesomes is a good decision, but getting wasted and missing flights is a bad one.

I don't know how this blog has devolved to my drunken antics, but I guess it was bound to happen?

Garden of Eatin'

I spent the day today with Duke's chapter of ASCE (pretty much this but mostly girls) at a Canstruction Competition at Marbles Children's Museum in Raleigh. For those of you unfamiliar with Canstruction, here are some examples. I spent most of the time thinking about how much ray would hate it and how into it hallie would probably get, as well as wanting to kill everyone else there. Anyway the theme of the competition was "Garden of Eatin'"... i don't think anything else needs to be said about that. And our theme was "Upside down Underground," which consisted of a carrot, onion, and beet, built as if you were looking underground...upside down! And to top it off, we filled the entire 10x10 square with baked beans to look like dirt. It was so awful, and it ended up looking like a weird interpretation of Boston (beantown...featuring harvard, a red sox stadium, and a BCG skyscraper headquarters). At one point a giant bean tower fell over on top of me, which...was worth it for the comedic value I suppose.
So we finished up our thing and my friend Sam and I went to explore Raleigh a bit. Actually I just wanted a sandwich, but it ended up being a little more exploratory then planned. We ended up eating at Angelo's, and just as we sit down a man outside falls and has a seizure, and another man tries to help him but he starts batting him away. Angela (Angelo's daughter perhaps?) calls 911 or something, and at this point the seizure man is up and standing. He's cut his thumb a bit, but otherwise seems to be doing all right. To my surprise, a firetruck and ambulance show up literally within a minute to assist with the aftermath of this very dramatic seizure. Well the great part of this story is that Angela informs us that this same man had a seizure the week before at the bus station and some hooligans robbed him! Anyway, the whole situation just really brought out everyone's true colors. Angela kept coming over and proclaiming to the room "I mean, I was jus tryin to save him!" Me and Sam couldn't get over the fact that a man who had a seizure also had his belongings seized. And everyone else was pressed up against the window watching 6 paramedics work on a man with essentially only a bloody finger. This also brought up the concept of free healthcare (or rather... free ambulance rides and triage?) for the homeless, and I came up with my next, great, save-the-world idea: homeless people and parcour. If you are homeless and walkin around all day, it is time to change that walk into parcour. And who cares if you get injured- you have all the ambulances and EMS people you could want to help you. Plus, people will youtube you and you will possibly, maybe get some sort of income for your vagabond activities.

I think the day can be best summed up with a quote from episode 6 of My So-Called Life: "field trips are intense."

And just so y'all don't think my life has gone entirely down the toilet, I will say this about last night: First off, duke sort of has a nightclub similar to ACCESS, but it's actually in the form of the duke coffeehouse. At night they have dance parties sometimes and it's BYOB. I ended up there and at the pinhook for another fipster (fake hipster?) dance party. And i say dance party because not only were they both detailed as such, but also because I danced the entire time like a psycho. This includes dancing on stage and accessing microphone stands (sans microphones), eating someone's birthday cake with my FACE...before any pieces had been cut, and being driven home by a creepster (creepy fipster?).

someone please come visit me.

Things That Will Not Be Tolerated At UGMo, Part 1

I fucking hate hipsters. To me they are the lowest of the low, the most inconsiderate scum on this earth. Say what you will about terrorists or whatever the fuck else, I don't care, hipsters need to go DIAF. Hipsters are like party terrorists. They ruin my night, make me hate everything, and show no respect for anyone or anything.

Tonight was the opening night of Club Access and it was supposed to be a fun time, but I almost would have rather been at home putting away my laundry and watching Wednesday night's episode of Top Chef on my DVR. I don't know how these people learned about the party or if they even knew anyone there, but they were not at all a positive addition to the scene. 

Several times I went back and forth from the inside of the SoMoToHo to the front where some people were hanging out. A half dozen or so of these awful hipsters were clustered on the stoop, preventing me from easily passing through the front door. Maybe it was annoying of me to keep going through, but really, they could have moved off the stoop onto the sidewalk after the first time I went through the middle of them. I wasn't even the only one, other people were coming and going as well, but it never even crossed their minds to relocate their conversation 5 feet away to allow an unobstructed flow of movement to occur.

Finally I was so fed up with them completely ignoring my need to pass that I shouted "EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE FUCKING DOOR!" as I maneuvered my way through. I ran inside as they called me names and judged me for being so unhip as to have wanted to walk through the door of a house that I belonged at because I am fairly good friends with the people who live there and I don't think a single one of them could have told you Steven or JPatt's names. 

I tried to limit my interactions with this crowd from that point on, and I was fairly successful to this end, but the hipster-created drama of this night was not over. Later in the course of the party, a new handle of vodka was unveiled, and maybe 2 or 3 of us accessed drinks from it. Not thinking anything of it, I left the handle sitting on the counter, as often occurs during parties at the SoMoToHo. A few minutes later, Ray came to ask me where the vodka was, assuming I might have hidden it somewhere. This was not the case and upon extensive searching, the handle could not be found, so there is little left to do that to assume that some asshole, upon leaving, glanced into the kitchen, noticed the mostly full bottle of Tito's, and absconded with it before we were any the wiser.

They probably laughed to their friends as they left the scene of the crime, congratulating themselves on scoring free booze and ruining our night even more. Whether they did this as a "fuck you, your party was lame" move or if they just don't have any manners and just thought they could take whatever they damn well pleased, I don't know. But stealing alcohol from a party is a dick move no matter what. Especially when the hosts have been providing you with drinks all night. I wasn't even a host of this party, nor did I have anything to do with purchasing the stolen goods, but I have some common sense and decency enough to know that you just don't fucking do that. I mean that didn't even happen at the party with the most epic hipster invasion I've ever experienced, the one that yielded this. That night was a whole other type of mess though.

Anyway, I want nothing to do with these assholes and the next time I have to be around them it will be too soon. Affirmative action be damned, as the co-founder and namer of the University of GuantanaMontrose, I hereby declare that they shall not be granted admission or access to our center of learning.

Re: On-Campus Drinking

The University's student pub/nightclub, ACCESS, offers a more legitimate alternative to the underground substance-infused scene at Club Bridge. The "Rosetta Stone" will serve as the signature cocktail at Access. Clearly Campari will hold centerstage:


Rosetta Stone

1 1/2 oz Campari
1/2 oz creme de cassis
2 oz club soda
1.57 ice cubes
blood orange wedge

Serve in highball glass.

If serving to underage girls, add 4 oz peach shnapps. Girls love peach schnapps.