...because i refuse to post these on facebook for fear that my privacy settings aren't strict enough and God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit can see my photos
Showing posts with label miracles of Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miracles of Jesus. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2009
New Course: Blasphemy 501
...because i refuse to post these on facebook for fear that my privacy settings aren't strict enough and God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit can see my photos
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer
As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)
My proposal involves the following:
Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.
Fig. 2: Car keys.
Fig. 3: Sasquatch.
Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.
Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.
My proposal involves the following:
Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.
Fig. 2: Car keys.
Fig. 3: Sasquatch.
Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.
Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse
When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:
The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.
The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.
The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...
The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.
The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.
The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.
The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.
The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.
The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.
The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...
On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.
The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.
The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.
The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...
The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.
The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.
The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.
The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.
The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.
The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.
The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...
On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.
Friday, January 30, 2009
UGMo Bible
I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.
Excerpts might resemble the following:
GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
UGMo Faculty Conference Calls
Due to the recent relocations of faculty to the Durham and Portland areas, important correspondence concerning university protocol and events have been forced to take place via satellite. Video chatting and phonography have played crucial roles in maintaining current levels of network integrity, but the discovery of screen sharing has greatly increased the productivity of these meetings. For those unaware, screen sharing allows the individuals to hear and speak to one another, and allows one individual to see and partially take control of the other person's screen, leaving the two to battle over the mouse and keyboard. With cooperation however, sharing provides faculty with a great number of opportunities.Some suggestions for future screen sharing sessions include:
- ichat another faculty member and ask them to share their screen, thereby giving 3 people control over one screen
- search "porn" in the other person's spotlight
- blog in the other person's name
- take over their itunes and perform karaoke together
- youtube every episode of my so-called life...watch them together and design a syllabus for a new course offering
- create and apply a new theme for their ichat that includes multiple pictures of patty and sound bites from Danielle, including "this is so unfair- my life is so edited!"
- download and engage in this power hour game; consider combining this option with the first suggestion
- visit a down-low blog and discuss the implications
- design LOLcats, specifically ones including Lexus and diabetes campaigns
Monday, January 26, 2009
Mother Mary would be jealous
This morning woke up from a nightmare that I gave birth to twin rabbits— naked, blind, screaming rabbits. The birthing bunnies thing didn't perplex me. I wanted to know how the fuck I became pregnant in the first place. These buns were screaming, and I was pissed.
Then they started nursing and wrecked my boobs. Then the little tit-ruining bastards had the nerve to fucking die on me.
That's how it works: you play Virgin Mary for some lagomorphs and they repay you with death.
Then they started nursing and wrecked my boobs. Then the little tit-ruining bastards had the nerve to fucking die on me.
That's how it works: you play Virgin Mary for some lagomorphs and they repay you with death.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Decisions
So basically my life has changed completely in the past 12 hours. The fact that I even still have a life, literally, that I am alive, is kind of a miracle. A new course will be added to the University of GuantanaMontrose's list of offerings that will deal with making good decisions vs. bad ones.
A good decision: Have fun at a party with friends.
A bad decision: Make drinks that are more than 50% liquor. One might be ok, several is not.
Another bad decision: Leave the party in your car after said drinks.
A third bad decision (that may or may not have even been a decision at all): Somehow make it almost all the way home before stopping at a stop sign and falling asleep in the car.
There are more bad decisions involved here too, but this is enough to discuss for now.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Just really nice.
I just awoke from a dream, in which George Bush had a beautiful nephew and I met him at the rodeo and we fell in love.
By the by, pajama party tonight! Here are my options, I want to look rulzy sexy for Bush's nephew I mean my boooyfriend!!
1. Adorbs
2. Classy as Fuck
3. Fire Crotch
Let me know what you guys think I'm nervous!
By the by, pajama party tonight! Here are my options, I want to look rulzy sexy for Bush's nephew I mean my boooyfriend!!
1. Adorbs
2. Classy as Fuck
3. Fire Crotch
Let me know what you guys think I'm nervous!
Vest Night Theory Confirmed
8:31PM: Text from Hallie (Hali): "I'm wearing a vest tonight...no bikini top though"
I am excited but warn hallie to be prepared for psycho and disastrous things to occur since she is not wearing the amulet of safety (bikini top)
10:14PM- the "bouncer from xoxo" (midtown streetwalker who kathleen MAY or may not have kissed on new year's) calls kathleen's phone for 28th time. I pick up and attempt to convince him that I am kathleen's mother and kathleen is underage, but he doesn't seem to care. I can't say for sure though because I couldn't understand anything he said except for "hold on mama," which could have been a nod to the fact that i was kathleen's mother, or perhaps was just street slang. So then I proceeded to go Lady Raptastic mixed with a little crazy cat lady (http://consumerist.com/consumer/top/the-second-greatest-thing-weve-ever-posted-crazy-cat-lady-telemarketing-call-187978.php) on his ass:
"LOOK i got the police on the other line, they are tracing this call! I will call the CIA, the FBI, and they are gonna look up your IP address. And when you go on them weirdo websites they are gonna trace your computer and lock you up. They will find you, AND THEY WILL FIND YOU."
surprisingly this crazy ass called back! That convo ended with "stop calling, retard." which seemed to work...at least for the past 12 hours.
11:00PM: mallory, peter, kath, and myself drive to cvs to pick up some ciwgawettes for the nicotine addicts (I should've bought y'all's addicted asses some nicoderm CQ patches cause i'm sick of sittin out in the goddamn cold every night). Everyone but pete acts like a total psycho, and I proceed to throw a bag of sour patch watermelon's at pete because i am convinced if we give them to the bartenders they will like us more.
11:15PM: We show up at the cellar and immediately put our plan into action. I sign me and kath up for miami by will smith and head to the bar. I explain to the bartendress, amber, that we have purchased these candies especially for her. she seems overjoyed. someone else take this opportunitiy to ask if we get a discount- we do. She gave us $5.50 tequila shots for $2.50. We all fall in love.
12:00AM: Tim suggests we take a body shot-- amber practically jumps over the bar to oblige. She's so excited that she gives us the shot for free. she points us in the direction of the AIR HOCKEY table, where tim lies down and i take the shot...all filmed by our amazing club historian--hallie.
12:30AM: Beth arrives. I take her to the bar, where amber, again, gives us the drink for free!
2:15AM: We are kicked out of the bar, as usual, and head over to chapultepec. I get out of the car and immediately open the door of an [apparently unlocked] old suburban-like vehicle. I grab the masking tape and kathleen and i immediately go to work. I have absolutely no idea how we both knew what to do, but we wrapped masking tape around the car about 4 times over. Then we head inside and eat queso and Don Juan plates.
3:45AM: I walk to tim's car, open the door, and get inside. While inside i notice a faint smell and realize no one else has entered the car. i am told i have shit on my hands. someone had put dog (i hope) shit on all the door handles of tim's car! we decided this must've been related to the masking tape incident, but believe it to be the work of a civilian vigilante as the masking tape had not been removed by the owners of the vehicle.
11:00AM: I wake up and bust out laughing (as I do pretty much every morning..seriously) and cannot believe the night's events. mostly the masking tape.
I am excited but warn hallie to be prepared for psycho and disastrous things to occur since she is not wearing the amulet of safety (bikini top)
10:14PM- the "bouncer from xoxo" (midtown streetwalker who kathleen MAY or may not have kissed on new year's) calls kathleen's phone for 28th time. I pick up and attempt to convince him that I am kathleen's mother and kathleen is underage, but he doesn't seem to care. I can't say for sure though because I couldn't understand anything he said except for "hold on mama," which could have been a nod to the fact that i was kathleen's mother, or perhaps was just street slang. So then I proceeded to go Lady Raptastic mixed with a little crazy cat lady (http://consumerist.com/consumer/top/the-second-greatest-thing-weve-ever-posted-crazy-cat-lady-telemarketing-call-187978.php) on his ass:
"LOOK i got the police on the other line, they are tracing this call! I will call the CIA, the FBI, and they are gonna look up your IP address. And when you go on them weirdo websites they are gonna trace your computer and lock you up. They will find you, AND THEY WILL FIND YOU."
surprisingly this crazy ass called back! That convo ended with "stop calling, retard." which seemed to work...at least for the past 12 hours.
11:00PM: mallory, peter, kath, and myself drive to cvs to pick up some ciwgawettes for the nicotine addicts (I should've bought y'all's addicted asses some nicoderm CQ patches cause i'm sick of sittin out in the goddamn cold every night). Everyone but pete acts like a total psycho, and I proceed to throw a bag of sour patch watermelon's at pete because i am convinced if we give them to the bartenders they will like us more.
11:15PM: We show up at the cellar and immediately put our plan into action. I sign me and kath up for miami by will smith and head to the bar. I explain to the bartendress, amber, that we have purchased these candies especially for her. she seems overjoyed. someone else take this opportunitiy to ask if we get a discount- we do. She gave us $5.50 tequila shots for $2.50. We all fall in love.
12:00AM: Tim suggests we take a body shot-- amber practically jumps over the bar to oblige. She's so excited that she gives us the shot for free. she points us in the direction of the AIR HOCKEY table, where tim lies down and i take the shot...all filmed by our amazing club historian--hallie.
12:30AM: Beth arrives. I take her to the bar, where amber, again, gives us the drink for free!
2:15AM: We are kicked out of the bar, as usual, and head over to chapultepec. I get out of the car and immediately open the door of an [apparently unlocked] old suburban-like vehicle. I grab the masking tape and kathleen and i immediately go to work. I have absolutely no idea how we both knew what to do, but we wrapped masking tape around the car about 4 times over. Then we head inside and eat queso and Don Juan plates.
3:45AM: I walk to tim's car, open the door, and get inside. While inside i notice a faint smell and realize no one else has entered the car. i am told i have shit on my hands. someone had put dog (i hope) shit on all the door handles of tim's car! we decided this must've been related to the masking tape incident, but believe it to be the work of a civilian vigilante as the masking tape had not been removed by the owners of the vehicle.
11:00AM: I wake up and bust out laughing (as I do pretty much every morning..seriously) and cannot believe the night's events. mostly the masking tape.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Puke Crotch gets a midnight kiss
New Year's Eve is a pretty fucking depressing holiday, if you ask me. Not only are you required to make out with someone, but it has to be at a very particular moment. If you don't, then it's like breaking a mirror and you get seven years of bad sex, or seven years of no sex, or something involving sex and not involving orgasms. You can send yourself flowers on Valentine's Day (what? don't judge!), but you can't make out with yourself on New Year's.
This year I gave up on the whole tragic idea of a midnight kiss. I figured I could tongue a bottle of Svedka at the big moment, which seemed like a pleasant alternative when compared to watching other people suck face in the oh-so-romantic glow of the sparklers and fireworks.
I had almost forgotten my kissless fate when some dashing boy from years passed asked me to introduce him to my 'hot friends.' Doesn't everyone within a mile radius of Uni Guantanamontrose know that all my friends are gay men or taken or taken by gay men or making out with gay men?
Drunk, feisty and slightly defensive, I asked, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" That's when the deal happened. The kiss deal. I say 'deal' because we shook on it.
I should mention that this was quite an amazing deal because I may or may not have puked on this person's crotch when I was sixteen and riding passenger in my own car. To be fair, it was more in the center consul than his crotch. This might have resulted in me getting nicknamed 'Puke Crotch', which was pretty unfair considering what that suggested versus what actually happened.
The kiss itself I don't really remember. It was pleasant and brief, I recall that much. I was wearing blood red stilettos. I made sure not to fall. I also made sure no one set my hair on fire, because oh god does that shit smell. Don't fall, and don't catch hair on fire: those were my two thoughts. After the sparklers burned out, we parted ways.
It's common knowledge that you don't make out with someone who puked near you, not to mention on you, even if it was over six years ago. You just don't make out with Puke Crotch. So I can only attribute what happened to a New Year's (or maybe a a late Christmas?) miracle.
Yes, basically my New Years started with a miracle of Jesus. How was yours?
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