Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Security Breach

The University of Guantanamontrose is not posting out of pity this time. Instead, we, as a community, are taking a stand against the injustices to honor, principles, and private property experienced in the past few days.

In the past month, members of the community (mostly faculty) have collectively had two cars towed, another "misplaced for 24 hours," and two more broken into "on campus" via smashed windows. We have had a handle of Tito's, two bank statements, two credit cards, two driver's licenses, and $17.45 in cash stolen. Credit purchases on said cards have amounted to $23.99 at James Coney Island, $22.87 at Exxon, and $55.55 at South Beach (oops, that last one might have been mine...) We have also had a minor amount of pot and a large amount of cigarettes mysteriously disappear.

This list does not even include things Unigauntanamontrose members thought disappeared but later found out (through photographic evidence) that they in fact consumed unawares.
If crimes of this nature continue, the University may have to take dire actions. We are already downsizing on campus party funds. The school will also strive to maintain a "certain level of quality" in members allowed to matriculate. Our standards have been raised; our generosity diminished. It's time for a new Gauntanamontrose.

On a more pleasant note, Unigauntanmontrose would like to share a small piece of kharma and campus pride. One of our very own has finally made it on Stuff White People Like. We are very proud and delicately elated at how dashingly buff a said someone looks in the photo SWPL discovered. I wish camera angles did that to me!

Finally, I feel the Community must actually face the issue of brothels in the SOMO and NOMO vicinity and their aggressive monopolization of both HPD and campus security. While at Agora for happy hour on Monday, several members of the UG faculty witnessed a brothel fight. Two women, neither wearing shoes, yelled and screamed at a shirtless man in front of a building made of cinder-blocks and held together with chewing gum. It took no less than 10 minutes for 3 cop cars to show up and "mediate" this brawl. Why did this brothel get so much more attention than the non-existent response provided by HPD to the campus during said vodka-stealing incidents?

We find the allocation of city utilities and their inability to cooperate with our own forces revolting. Perhaps, as a reparation, the U.S. government can give UG all the troops from our namesake in Cuba after Obama closes the operation? I'll leave this acquisition and its proper handling open as a topic for discussion.

Long Live Guantanamontrose!

1 comment:

  1. This is all just a part of the Ray-gn of Terror that started so long ago...