PSA: One Way Alcoholism Might Be A Good Thing

The University Health Department issues the following announcement: 

In light of recent events and with a general interest in the well-being of the University community in mind, a discourse has been initiated with researchers at other institutions regarding the effects of alcohol consumption on conception. This communication has yielded some interesting results. Excessive alcohol consumption by all parties involved, while often the cause of the problem in the first place, tends to lead to a greatly reduced possibility of actually creating a baby. Strange as it may seem, it appears that alcohol is actually a very dangerous toxin.

One source claims that results from a study show an intake of more than 10 drinks per week to significantly increase the likelyhood of spontaneous abortion, if there even is anything there to be aborted. Now, most of our esteemed faculty members are known to consume alcohol more at a rate of 10 drinks per night, so it would seem that we really have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, we still encourage everyone to be as careful as possible, but in the event that you are unable to catch the condoms being thrown to you through the window or you are too drunk to remember what a condom even is, just remember to chug a handle of your preferred liquor the next day and everything will probably be just fine.

Grant proposal idea

As the Dean of Drama Llama Studies, I feel almost obligated to discuss the topic of babies. Babies cause a lot of drama. (See the terms 'baby drama' and 'baby mama drama.')

Recently I've begun writing a grant proposal to research why women are obsessed with natural births, even when it means intense pain and wrecking their vadges forever.

I got this wonderful thesis idea back when Steven and had free cable. I watched a fair amount of TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" for initial research material. All of these preggers women insisted on natural births. In one such case, the lady's baby was upside down and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.

After what seemed like hours of persuading, she finally caved and agreed to a Caesarean section. But she wanted a vaginal birth after c-section!

The doc was already slicing her open, partially removing the behbeh, and she still wanted the thing to shoot out of her? I simply do not understand.

I would want that thing out of me stat, preferably days (or weeks? months?) before my due date. Maybe this is because as an unwed college twenty-something my top four fears are:

1. Walgreens running out of US Weekly (Had a nightmare about that last night: will post later!)
2. There not being any hot straight guys at Poison Girl
3. Pregnancy
4. Hipsters stealing my vodka