Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

Summer Session C Course Preview

Summer Session B's coursework has proven to be both rigorous and quite satisfying. As a preview to our new class that will be offered next term, "Distressed Twittering," I will recap some potential tweets that could have been submitted during some of our exams over the past two weeks.

June 5th: Summer Session B's Opening Ceremonies OR 1st Night in the PoMo LoHo

• copz are here. where's the #queso?!?!?!
• sitting on a bench outside the gate, got the #queso @estebandice!
• where are @timgregor and @kimdice? and where's the #queso?

June 6th: Actually this is a Dorm Room and Kim is the RA

• @evakelly is on the floor by the #tv-- her thumb's broken. where's my drink?
• headbutted @kimdice in the nose and knocked over the #tv!
• sorry same-cop-from-last-night but we are having a suspenders party. and what happened to the #tv and @kdice's nose??

June Xth: 1st visit to Lola's Depot

• stuck on that crazy island from Lost in 1954! 3 #kamikazes for $5.25... at least there are SOME perks to being stranded with these #trannies!
• 3 #kamikazes divided by 3 = 1 #kamikaze for... shit. where's my calculator?
• #trannies outside, #kamikazes inside...wait, am i tranny?

June 12th: Where's Red Door? OH there's a RED. DOOR.

• wrapped around some man--swingin upside down in the #VIP room. booyah @kimdice
• left my shoes in the #VIP room, where's my #kamikaze!
• left my coordination in the #VIP room. shoe is filled with blood!

June 13th: Kathleen and Jessica actually can't have multiple Blue El Patio Margs and follow it up with ridiculous amounts of sunny D

• by the end of the night ima have @kathleen drunk and throwin #up!
• by the end of the night ima have @jtoy SO FUCKED #UP.
• where's my car? @jtoy and @kathleen are SO FUCKED #UP they won't even answer the door.

June 17th: Guava Lamp OR Now we get a 50% discount at Brisa

• @dennisor is a #geek-ass
• @becs those were twins and you killed them!
• hortencia's on my neck! i need a #kamikaze!

PSA: One Way Alcoholism Might Be A Good Thing

The University Health Department issues the following announcement: 

In light of recent events and with a general interest in the well-being of the University community in mind, a discourse has been initiated with researchers at other institutions regarding the effects of alcohol consumption on conception. This communication has yielded some interesting results. Excessive alcohol consumption by all parties involved, while often the cause of the problem in the first place, tends to lead to a greatly reduced possibility of actually creating a baby. Strange as it may seem, it appears that alcohol is actually a very dangerous toxin.

One source claims that results from a study show an intake of more than 10 drinks per week to significantly increase the likelyhood of spontaneous abortion, if there even is anything there to be aborted. Now, most of our esteemed faculty members are known to consume alcohol more at a rate of 10 drinks per night, so it would seem that we really have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, we still encourage everyone to be as careful as possible, but in the event that you are unable to catch the condoms being thrown to you through the window or you are too drunk to remember what a condom even is, just remember to chug a handle of your preferred liquor the next day and everything will probably be just fine.

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini


via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Quarantined at the SoMoToHo (ie This is What Happens When I Post at 420)

Approximately a month ago, I came home from school and had a horrible winter cold. For the first weekend back I was too busy drinking and having 3-somes to notice that it was still hiding behind the veils of my mucus. Well, quelle surprise, the sickness re-emerged 3 days before my family vacation to the Third World.

In hopes of having me attend the vacation (likely) and successfully deliver his holiday gift baskets (more likely,) my dad prescribed me a set of antibiotics. I know this is not normal, and that one can grow a tolerance to such drugs and thereby make them ineffective, but I figured why not do it just this once! Plus, my dad seemed to think it was a good idea, even if blackmail for illegal unpaid labor was included in his logic(delivering gift baskets or going on family vacations, you pick.) So, I take the pills, and two days in I feel WONDERFULLY better! I immediately stop taking them, not realizing they're not the same thing as NyQuil, because now that I am well, why continue remembering to take pills.

Five days go by, and at dinner on the vacation my dad asks if I've finished my antibiotics. I casually say no, I have not. Then proceed to get a lecture about how you have to continue taking them. That night, before bed, I start them again.

Two days go by, I am on vacation, and clearly, I don't give a fuck! So duh, I forget about them again.

Now, four weeks after it all began, I am home and in pain. I am dead. I have sleept for a successful 48 hours, and have not left the house in 3 days. I did, today, go drink a $30 pitcher of margaritas, but I'm not really counting this because it was charity work. Best of all, my boyfriend is dressing like he's gay, single and ready to mingle in ~!@1~BARCELONA~1@!~ again... Strange things happen when you hibernate, but after all, isn't that what winter is all about?

Anyway, I am back on the antibiotics (which ironically don't seem to be working quite as well this time) and think I'm going to die. My mom is convinced I have developed a "Super Bug" and won't let me come home. I am currently writing this blog from Steven's mosquito-infested patio (thought I left malaria behind in Panama with the last antibiotic regime?) because I cannot stand Steven watching "My So Called Life" 24/7 as his passive-aggressive punishment for me being sick and forcing him to stay home and take care of me.

This is the part where you pray for me to get better!

Hope to see you guys on-campus again soon! I hear there may be a big party tomorrow night. GG never sleeps.

Rosetta Stone and Its Healing Properties

I recently was driving behind an 18-wheeler and noticed a drivers wanted sign on the back. For a moment I thought, that doesn't sound like that awful of a job...they make a fair amount of money. I allowed my mind to wander...what would I do while driving all day? Use that radio thing to talk to other drivers? Drink Dr. Pepper constantly and invent a car version of the bed pan? Was there any possibility for productivity? That's when it hit me-- rosetta stone. My plan was simple: Drive trucks for a few months while I became fluent in another language, then apply to work for freetranslation.com, and from there, I could do anything! Then I realized that if I could do this, any truck driver could! What were they thinking sittin up on them radios all day using weirdo names and talking about King of the Hill? This idea clearly needed to be mass marketed to truck drivers around the globe.

Later that week I was watching the Tyra show. The episode was about women in the sex industry, and how they could get out of it. They didn't really have many plausible options in my opinion, and it was then that I realized the answer again was rosetta stone. They could become at least conversationally fluent, expand their client base and save all extra money they were earning. Then, again, applications to freetranslation.com would be in order.

Overall, I really believe in the Rosetta Stone Revolution. Who wants to get it started?
I suppose if it doesn't take off, I at least have a pretty good back up plan for graduation. Hallie perhaps you should consider this as well? You and your truck driver persona "Bacon Bits" would probably be pretty popular on that radio network.