A Boogie Board + Baby Oil + Houston's Topography = Success

The Departments of Physical Education and Physics proudly announce a new cross-listed course that will be offered in the coming semester: PhysEd 415C/Physics 138: Hill Surfing. The esteemed Dean J.Toy will lead students in an innovative workshop that will combine physical fitness and the scientific method. During week one, students who enroll in this course will start by learning the art of hill surfing with the most basic equipment, cardboard. As they begin to master the techniques and prove their ability, the Dean will provide further instruction to the students on the more advanced method of using an oiled boogie board on the hill. Meanwhile, students will also learn about important principles such as friction, velocity, momentum and balance. After the midterm, the fun will really begin when students will be assigned the challenge of coming up with alternate techniques and equipment to use. Trial and error will be encouraged and all experiments should be well documented and presented to the class to aid in the learning process. The University Health Department reminds all students participating in this activity to exercise caution and wear helmets and/or other protective gear when trying something new in the exciting world of hill surfing.

Enrollment will be limited to approximately 12 students and classes will be held MWTh 7:00-8:00PM at Eleanor Tinsley Park, adjacent to North Montrose (NoMo).

Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

PSA: One Way Alcoholism Might Be A Good Thing

The University Health Department issues the following announcement: 

In light of recent events and with a general interest in the well-being of the University community in mind, a discourse has been initiated with researchers at other institutions regarding the effects of alcohol consumption on conception. This communication has yielded some interesting results. Excessive alcohol consumption by all parties involved, while often the cause of the problem in the first place, tends to lead to a greatly reduced possibility of actually creating a baby. Strange as it may seem, it appears that alcohol is actually a very dangerous toxin.

One source claims that results from a study show an intake of more than 10 drinks per week to significantly increase the likelyhood of spontaneous abortion, if there even is anything there to be aborted. Now, most of our esteemed faculty members are known to consume alcohol more at a rate of 10 drinks per night, so it would seem that we really have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, we still encourage everyone to be as careful as possible, but in the event that you are unable to catch the condoms being thrown to you through the window or you are too drunk to remember what a condom even is, just remember to chug a handle of your preferred liquor the next day and everything will probably be just fine.

Abortions that Should Have been Accessed

I'm currently participating in a symposium with Dean of Drama Llama Studies and Visiting Professor of Europedancepop on the top floor of the ToHo (site of sterile sex and Sas's fav shoes). Our topic focuses on people that should have been aborted. Babies are scary anyway, as exhibited by this picture:
















1. Christina Ricci and Christina Ricci's kid:






















(She looks like a scary version of our friend Mary Anne Taylor [codename: Mary Richards], and I doubt that she would mix vodka and rum quite as well at a Raj party.)
EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Christina Ricci doesn't even have a kid to abort, nor should she be aborted. I was talking about Nicole Richie. That girl is rl scurrrrry! And she stole my boyf.

2. Hallie and Dan's kid:



3. Bristol Palin's kid

4. Sarah Palin's youngest kid... what is his name? Track? Trag? Train (wreck)?

5. Or Sarah Palin could have just been aborted to avoid the whole clusterfuck.














4. The fucker from the Trojan website who sent the ToHo only ONE free condom. (EDIT BY DRAMA LLAMA: Love Campaign mails you 12 in a red envelope with a heart and you can order them up to six times a month!)

5. Genghis Khan - he raped all the women of Asia and 20% of the population of the continent is now related to him. Gross.

6. Suri Cruise. Except that her Asian parents ended up having her and sold her to Tomkat (Suri only eats with chopsticks! Didn't you read the June 1 issue of Star?) But yeah Genghis Khan is basically Suri's dad especially since Tom Cruise is gay.

7. All the Russel(l)s that JPatt dated, is dating, or wants to date, 1-∞

8. Whoever invented Hot Pockets (but not Lean Pockets... I love that shit.)

9. The fucktard who stole our handle of Tito's that one time. Yes, he had major aborsh potensh.

10. Not Kathy Griffin.


















Kathy channeling Tracie Egan channeling Lindsay Lohan channeling my boyfriend Ray after the Roxy.































Kathy channeling Paris Hilton

11. Paris Hilton herself should have def been aborted though.
11. Most Virgos. Especially if they took our Tito's.

12. Matt Thompson from Montreal (Our imaginary friend EVIL-lyn was there for all the rulzy drama, ask her).

13. Five out of the eight Gosselins' behbehs.

















14. Tim's imaginary child (Tim! You DON'T have a kid and the dead squirrel in the baby crib is weird [although it does look like you]).

15. Definitely Samantha and Masons' baby from Fling (also released under the alternate title Lie to Me).
(Yes, I watched the movie twice, and the second time was even more amazing than the first.)

16. The twink slave who cut us off at Taco C on New Years. (If ur reading this: u suk).

When plague 2 meets plague 6

I hope everyone is working on their drunken V-Day poetry for the contest…

Publicity

It seems our great university has finally started to get the recognition (scroll down) it deserves. Kudos to Tour Guide Ray for such an insightful article on physical health.

Mixology 101

Personal experience speaks louder than words. Let's just say I've had a few of these, and MMMmmmMmMmmmmMmmm, GOTTA LOVE 'EM!

1 part water mixed with an emergen-C packet

1 part vodka

Put vodka in shaker with ice, shake until cold. Put vodka in martini glass, add water, add E-mergency packet. Stir. Serve. Enjoy!

ew, sick!

I contacted the University of Guantanamontrose Health Department today, and together we regret to inform students and faculty that I, the Department Chair of Drama Llama Studies, have fallen ill. As a safety precaution, we ask that everyone gets a meningitis vaccine. (Or, as an equally effective alternative to the costly vaccine, students can add a package of Emergen-C to their vodka.)

I do not have meningitis nor have I been in contact with anyone with the disease. However, as a prestigious university we feel obligated to have at least one meningitis scare per semester.

I'm currently following in the footsteps of the heroic Tour Guide Ray and completely denying my illness. Tomorrow I will attend the much anticipated indie debauchery of Broken Social Scene in order to meet SHSGs and hipsters as research for my 2009 thesis, tentatively titled "Failing at Dating in the 'Strose."