Showing posts with label moral hazard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moral hazard. Show all posts

Sunday, May 24, 2009

PSA: One Way Alcoholism Might Be A Good Thing

The University Health Department issues the following announcement: 

In light of recent events and with a general interest in the well-being of the University community in mind, a discourse has been initiated with researchers at other institutions regarding the effects of alcohol consumption on conception. This communication has yielded some interesting results. Excessive alcohol consumption by all parties involved, while often the cause of the problem in the first place, tends to lead to a greatly reduced possibility of actually creating a baby. Strange as it may seem, it appears that alcohol is actually a very dangerous toxin.

One source claims that results from a study show an intake of more than 10 drinks per week to significantly increase the likelyhood of spontaneous abortion, if there even is anything there to be aborted. Now, most of our esteemed faculty members are known to consume alcohol more at a rate of 10 drinks per night, so it would seem that we really have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, we still encourage everyone to be as careful as possible, but in the event that you are unable to catch the condoms being thrown to you through the window or you are too drunk to remember what a condom even is, just remember to chug a handle of your preferred liquor the next day and everything will probably be just fine.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

New Course Proposal

I would like to propose a new course to be taught in the UGMo Art
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh
LULZ.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

"Grackles on Montrose" by Mark Doty

Eight o’clock, warm Houston night, and in the parking lot
the grackles hold forth royally, in thick trees on the lip of traffic,

and either they’re oblivious to the street-rush
and come-and-go at the Kroger or else they actually like it,

our hurry a useful counter to their tintinnabulation.
Now one’s doing the Really Creaky Hinge, making it last a long time;

now Drop the Tin Can, glissando, then Limping Siren,
then it’s back to the Hinge done with a caesura

midstream, so it becomes a Recalcitrant Double Entry.
What are they up to, these late, randy singers,

who seem to shiver the whole tree in pleasure
when somebody gets off a really fierce line,

aerial gang of pirate deejays remixing their sonics
above the median strip all up and down the block

from here to the Taco Cabana? They sample Bad Brakes,
they do Tea Kettle in Hell, Slidewhistle into Car Alarm,

Firecracker with a Bright Report, and every feathered body—
how many of them are there, obscured by dense green?

seems to cackle over that one, incendiary rippling, pure
delight, imperious and impure singing: the city’s traffic in tongues,

polyglot cantata, awry, expansive, new.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Troubles on Campus

I am writing to inform all community members that the events of last night have officially caused the janitorial staff of the University to go on strike. At this time, we are uncertain of the repercussion of this, but we imagine Club Access and the SoMoToHo will probably not be in a sanitary state for the rest of the weekend. The deans are in discussion with the janitors, and both sides hope to have a speedy negotiation. The only campus facility still in proper condition is Club Bridge, as the recent low temperatures have led campus members to utilize other venues. Tonight, however, it is a balmy 63 degrees, and the faculty hopes that students will heed the advice of avoiding the above mentioned uncleaned areas in favor of Club Bridge.
That's all.
P.S. Mal will be happy to find plenty of HSGs accessing the 59.
P.P.S. We all hope this tempest will pass soon.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Garden of Eatin'

I spent the day today with Duke's chapter of ASCE (pretty much this but mostly girls) at a Canstruction Competition at Marbles Children's Museum in Raleigh. For those of you unfamiliar with Canstruction, here are some examples. I spent most of the time thinking about how much ray would hate it and how into it hallie would probably get, as well as wanting to kill everyone else there. Anyway the theme of the competition was "Garden of Eatin'"... i don't think anything else needs to be said about that. And our theme was "Upside down Underground," which consisted of a carrot, onion, and beet, built as if you were looking underground...upside down! And to top it off, we filled the entire 10x10 square with baked beans to look like dirt. It was so awful, and it ended up looking like a weird interpretation of Boston (beantown...featuring harvard, a red sox stadium, and a BCG skyscraper headquarters). At one point a giant bean tower fell over on top of me, which...was worth it for the comedic value I suppose.
So we finished up our thing and my friend Sam and I went to explore Raleigh a bit. Actually I just wanted a sandwich, but it ended up being a little more exploratory then planned. We ended up eating at Angelo's, and just as we sit down a man outside falls and has a seizure, and another man tries to help him but he starts batting him away. Angela (Angelo's daughter perhaps?) calls 911 or something, and at this point the seizure man is up and standing. He's cut his thumb a bit, but otherwise seems to be doing all right. To my surprise, a firetruck and ambulance show up literally within a minute to assist with the aftermath of this very dramatic seizure. Well the great part of this story is that Angela informs us that this same man had a seizure the week before at the bus station and some hooligans robbed him! Anyway, the whole situation just really brought out everyone's true colors. Angela kept coming over and proclaiming to the room "I mean, I was jus tryin to save him!" Me and Sam couldn't get over the fact that a man who had a seizure also had his belongings seized. And everyone else was pressed up against the window watching 6 paramedics work on a man with essentially only a bloody finger. This also brought up the concept of free healthcare (or rather... free ambulance rides and triage?) for the homeless, and I came up with my next, great, save-the-world idea: homeless people and parcour. If you are homeless and walkin around all day, it is time to change that walk into parcour. And who cares if you get injured- you have all the ambulances and EMS people you could want to help you. Plus, people will youtube you and you will possibly, maybe get some sort of income for your vagabond activities.

I think the day can be best summed up with a quote from episode 6 of My So-Called Life: "field trips are intense."

And just so y'all don't think my life has gone entirely down the toilet, I will say this about last night: First off, duke sort of has a nightclub similar to ACCESS, but it's actually in the form of the duke coffeehouse. At night they have dance parties sometimes and it's BYOB. I ended up there and at the pinhook for another fipster (fake hipster?) dance party. And i say dance party because not only were they both detailed as such, but also because I danced the entire time like a psycho. This includes dancing on stage and accessing microphone stands (sans microphones), eating someone's birthday cake with my FACE...before any pieces had been cut, and being driven home by a creepster (creepy fipster?).

someone please come visit me.