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New Course Proposal

I would like to propose a new course to be taught in the UGMo Art
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh
LULZ.

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

Case study in doing it for Teh LULZ: Last Night

• Get super drunk early in the day off tall boys of King Cobra
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember

When plague 2 meets plague 6

I hope everyone is working on their drunken V-Day poetry for the contest…

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

Grant proposal idea

As the Dean of Drama Llama Studies, I feel almost obligated to discuss the topic of babies. Babies cause a lot of drama. (See the terms 'baby drama' and 'baby mama drama.')

Recently I've begun writing a grant proposal to research why women are obsessed with natural births, even when it means intense pain and wrecking their vadges forever.

I got this wonderful thesis idea back when Steven and had free cable. I watched a fair amount of TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby" for initial research material. All of these preggers women insisted on natural births. In one such case, the lady's baby was upside down and had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.

After what seemed like hours of persuading, she finally caved and agreed to a Caesarean section. But she wanted a vaginal birth after c-section!

The doc was already slicing her open, partially removing the behbeh, and she still wanted the thing to shoot out of her? I simply do not understand.

I would want that thing out of me stat, preferably days (or weeks? months?) before my due date. Maybe this is because as an unwed college twenty-something my top four fears are:

1. Walgreens running out of US Weekly (Had a nightmare about that last night: will post later!)
2. There not being any hot straight guys at Poison Girl
3. Pregnancy
4. Hipsters stealing my vodka