I Think I'm The New Amtrak...

You guys need to catch up. I seem to be the only one around here who is making any progress thus far at making this summer blog-worthy. After Saturday night's debauchery, I thought everyone understood that all bets were off and the games were to begin, full speed ahead, and all that, but so far, I'm not seeing commitment from your departments.

Meanwhile, I've upped the ante by drinking no less (but quite possibly more) than 5 shots and 5 gin and tonics at Guava Lamp last night, racking up a $57.75 charge on my card, and then proceeding to not remember the end of the night, during which I managed to lose my beloved iPhone. I woke up this morning on a couch in a house that I didn't even remember going to, two hours later than I was supposed to get up to take someone to the airport. With my phone nowhere to be seen, I found two quarters on the desk and ran out of there to a pay phone on the corner of Montrose and Dallas to let the authorities* know that I was, in fact, not dead. It's surprising I was able to find those quarters because the one thing I do remember from the period of time in between being in Guava and waking up was stopping by CVS with an associate to buy a pack of cigarettes...which we paid for entirely with coins. A lot of those coins were pennies. That CVS worker had to have L O V E D us.

There is still a sliiiiiight chance that my phone will come back to me, but in all likelyhood, it would appear that the official University of GuantanaMontrose Register of Items Lost, Stolen, Broken or Otherwise Rendered Inaccessible has claimed its first victim for Summer 2009.

*By authorities, I mean my mom. She was definitely in full worried/panic mode. I honestly can't say I blame her. Sorry, Mom.

EDIT 9:20pm: FOUND MY IPHONE!! ALL IS NOT LOST! But I still win at being a trainwreck so far...though tonight is a new night.

Things That Will Not Be Tolerated At UGMo, Part 1

I fucking hate hipsters. To me they are the lowest of the low, the most inconsiderate scum on this earth. Say what you will about terrorists or whatever the fuck else, I don't care, hipsters need to go DIAF. Hipsters are like party terrorists. They ruin my night, make me hate everything, and show no respect for anyone or anything.

Tonight was the opening night of Club Access and it was supposed to be a fun time, but I almost would have rather been at home putting away my laundry and watching Wednesday night's episode of Top Chef on my DVR. I don't know how these people learned about the party or if they even knew anyone there, but they were not at all a positive addition to the scene. 

Several times I went back and forth from the inside of the SoMoToHo to the front where some people were hanging out. A half dozen or so of these awful hipsters were clustered on the stoop, preventing me from easily passing through the front door. Maybe it was annoying of me to keep going through, but really, they could have moved off the stoop onto the sidewalk after the first time I went through the middle of them. I wasn't even the only one, other people were coming and going as well, but it never even crossed their minds to relocate their conversation 5 feet away to allow an unobstructed flow of movement to occur.

Finally I was so fed up with them completely ignoring my need to pass that I shouted "EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE FUCKING DOOR!" as I maneuvered my way through. I ran inside as they called me names and judged me for being so unhip as to have wanted to walk through the door of a house that I belonged at because I am fairly good friends with the people who live there and I don't think a single one of them could have told you Steven or JPatt's names. 

I tried to limit my interactions with this crowd from that point on, and I was fairly successful to this end, but the hipster-created drama of this night was not over. Later in the course of the party, a new handle of vodka was unveiled, and maybe 2 or 3 of us accessed drinks from it. Not thinking anything of it, I left the handle sitting on the counter, as often occurs during parties at the SoMoToHo. A few minutes later, Ray came to ask me where the vodka was, assuming I might have hidden it somewhere. This was not the case and upon extensive searching, the handle could not be found, so there is little left to do that to assume that some asshole, upon leaving, glanced into the kitchen, noticed the mostly full bottle of Tito's, and absconded with it before we were any the wiser.

They probably laughed to their friends as they left the scene of the crime, congratulating themselves on scoring free booze and ruining our night even more. Whether they did this as a "fuck you, your party was lame" move or if they just don't have any manners and just thought they could take whatever they damn well pleased, I don't know. But stealing alcohol from a party is a dick move no matter what. Especially when the hosts have been providing you with drinks all night. I wasn't even a host of this party, nor did I have anything to do with purchasing the stolen goods, but I have some common sense and decency enough to know that you just don't fucking do that. I mean that didn't even happen at the party with the most epic hipster invasion I've ever experienced, the one that yielded this. That night was a whole other type of mess though.

Anyway, I want nothing to do with these assholes and the next time I have to be around them it will be too soon. Affirmative action be damned, as the co-founder and namer of the University of GuantanaMontrose, I hereby declare that they shall not be granted admission or access to our center of learning.

Quarantined at the SoMoToHo (ie This is What Happens When I Post at 420)

Approximately a month ago, I came home from school and had a horrible winter cold. For the first weekend back I was too busy drinking and having 3-somes to notice that it was still hiding behind the veils of my mucus. Well, quelle surprise, the sickness re-emerged 3 days before my family vacation to the Third World.

In hopes of having me attend the vacation (likely) and successfully deliver his holiday gift baskets (more likely,) my dad prescribed me a set of antibiotics. I know this is not normal, and that one can grow a tolerance to such drugs and thereby make them ineffective, but I figured why not do it just this once! Plus, my dad seemed to think it was a good idea, even if blackmail for illegal unpaid labor was included in his logic(delivering gift baskets or going on family vacations, you pick.) So, I take the pills, and two days in I feel WONDERFULLY better! I immediately stop taking them, not realizing they're not the same thing as NyQuil, because now that I am well, why continue remembering to take pills.

Five days go by, and at dinner on the vacation my dad asks if I've finished my antibiotics. I casually say no, I have not. Then proceed to get a lecture about how you have to continue taking them. That night, before bed, I start them again.

Two days go by, I am on vacation, and clearly, I don't give a fuck! So duh, I forget about them again.

Now, four weeks after it all began, I am home and in pain. I am dead. I have sleept for a successful 48 hours, and have not left the house in 3 days. I did, today, go drink a $30 pitcher of margaritas, but I'm not really counting this because it was charity work. Best of all, my boyfriend is dressing like he's gay, single and ready to mingle in ~!@1~BARCELONA~1@!~ again... Strange things happen when you hibernate, but after all, isn't that what winter is all about?

Anyway, I am back on the antibiotics (which ironically don't seem to be working quite as well this time) and think I'm going to die. My mom is convinced I have developed a "Super Bug" and won't let me come home. I am currently writing this blog from Steven's mosquito-infested patio (thought I left malaria behind in Panama with the last antibiotic regime?) because I cannot stand Steven watching "My So Called Life" 24/7 as his passive-aggressive punishment for me being sick and forcing him to stay home and take care of me.

This is the part where you pray for me to get better!

Hope to see you guys on-campus again soon! I hear there may be a big party tomorrow night. GG never sleeps.