Shenanigans 350: A Slight Concern

As Summer Session B continues on in all its glory, the course Shenanigans 350 seems to be getting high honors at regional debates and competitions. This letter should serve as formal acknowledgement, support, praise and validation for all the faculty members and students involved in the Division of Shenanigans, the specific course Shenanigans 350, and all the necessary research projects and grants involved in the formers' execution.

It seems that between the Bringer of Lulz and myself, Tour Guide Ray, this course has received more grant money than any other department, COMBINED! I'm not quite sure from where these funds are coming (perhaps we applied and received a Fullbright and then forgot about it?), but they are copious and some how seem to launder only to JR's and Guava.

Secondly, I would like to congratulate this course for its vivacious and tenacious dedication to Gay Pride. Not only did the UniG Division of Shenanigans have a faculty member in the parade itself (on a float for what exactly, I'm still unsure?), but two of UniG's most distinguished faculty members, along with two visiting professors, sat on the board of the parade along with Toddicus, some rando, and Roula and Ryan from the 104 KRBE Morning Show! Along with announcing the passing floats, the board members also crawled under "local celebrities" chairs to grab beads, frisbees and t-shirts. These dedicated faculty members get highest honors for their work, and I am sure that their chosen charities will profit greatly from the donations collected at the Parade.

Third, I would like to congratulate myself for not stealing the Chancellor's car last night like I did approximately one annum ago. It took perseverance and self-discipline, but I managed to drive away from the Toho's Trendy, Indie, Hipster Party in my own vehicle.

However, despite all of this great news, a wonderful takeout adventure at Chapultepec, a stop on Club Bridge, and a pleasurable night in the pedestrian friendly Guantanamontrose, I do have one slight concern. I am not sure how the events of last night panned out after 3:44 am when I left the SoMoToHo. I am somewhat concern, for when I left the state of things seemed very dire indeed. Sassy was very upset, and he expressed major concern to me; unfortunately, I had an important appointment with the Dean of Drunk Driving and had to depart before properly consoling him. So, let this serve as the official press release for the SoMoToHoTsunamarama. If any of the inhabits of the ToHo were left standing after the deluge of beer and fatats (faux tats, fake tattoos), please contact the Office of the President to let the university know your whereabouts and current state of being.

Thank you all and keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Tour Guide Ray 

P.S. Hotel ZaZa will be offering discounted rooms to memebers of the University during the renovation and restoration of a livable SoMoToHo. Rooms have been reduced from "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" to "When you think about it, that's only 3 bottles of Grey Goose at the Roxy."

A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:


Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.


Fig. 2: Car keys.


Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:

1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
   

   • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
   • conti and bourbon where r u
   • what streets are u at tell me
   • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
   • TEXT MESSAGING USE IT
   • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
   • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
   • where the rich are u
   • I’m about to take a cab
   • outside??
   • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
   • idk jester pizza

4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
   
9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
   
10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
12. drinking king cobra on public transit
    
13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
14. aggressively ribbon dancing
15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
    
20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

Things That Will Not Be Tolerated At UGMo, Part 1

I fucking hate hipsters. To me they are the lowest of the low, the most inconsiderate scum on this earth. Say what you will about terrorists or whatever the fuck else, I don't care, hipsters need to go DIAF. Hipsters are like party terrorists. They ruin my night, make me hate everything, and show no respect for anyone or anything.

Tonight was the opening night of Club Access and it was supposed to be a fun time, but I almost would have rather been at home putting away my laundry and watching Wednesday night's episode of Top Chef on my DVR. I don't know how these people learned about the party or if they even knew anyone there, but they were not at all a positive addition to the scene. 

Several times I went back and forth from the inside of the SoMoToHo to the front where some people were hanging out. A half dozen or so of these awful hipsters were clustered on the stoop, preventing me from easily passing through the front door. Maybe it was annoying of me to keep going through, but really, they could have moved off the stoop onto the sidewalk after the first time I went through the middle of them. I wasn't even the only one, other people were coming and going as well, but it never even crossed their minds to relocate their conversation 5 feet away to allow an unobstructed flow of movement to occur.

Finally I was so fed up with them completely ignoring my need to pass that I shouted "EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE FUCKING DOOR!" as I maneuvered my way through. I ran inside as they called me names and judged me for being so unhip as to have wanted to walk through the door of a house that I belonged at because I am fairly good friends with the people who live there and I don't think a single one of them could have told you Steven or JPatt's names. 

I tried to limit my interactions with this crowd from that point on, and I was fairly successful to this end, but the hipster-created drama of this night was not over. Later in the course of the party, a new handle of vodka was unveiled, and maybe 2 or 3 of us accessed drinks from it. Not thinking anything of it, I left the handle sitting on the counter, as often occurs during parties at the SoMoToHo. A few minutes later, Ray came to ask me where the vodka was, assuming I might have hidden it somewhere. This was not the case and upon extensive searching, the handle could not be found, so there is little left to do that to assume that some asshole, upon leaving, glanced into the kitchen, noticed the mostly full bottle of Tito's, and absconded with it before we were any the wiser.

They probably laughed to their friends as they left the scene of the crime, congratulating themselves on scoring free booze and ruining our night even more. Whether they did this as a "fuck you, your party was lame" move or if they just don't have any manners and just thought they could take whatever they damn well pleased, I don't know. But stealing alcohol from a party is a dick move no matter what. Especially when the hosts have been providing you with drinks all night. I wasn't even a host of this party, nor did I have anything to do with purchasing the stolen goods, but I have some common sense and decency enough to know that you just don't fucking do that. I mean that didn't even happen at the party with the most epic hipster invasion I've ever experienced, the one that yielded this. That night was a whole other type of mess though.

Anyway, I want nothing to do with these assholes and the next time I have to be around them it will be too soon. Affirmative action be damned, as the co-founder and namer of the University of GuantanaMontrose, I hereby declare that they shall not be granted admission or access to our center of learning.