Drunk Driving 101

Yourself from the Future says: "Don't make that call"

From 50 Cent Fridays to $250 Saturdays...

In the Fall, I will be leading a graduate-level seminar course entitled The Shitshow and Other Bad Nights: Advanced Techniques in Being an Epic Trainwreck and I did an extreme amount of hands-on research last night to prepare for what I hope to be really enlightening discussions with some of the University's top graduate students. I'm sure everyone can recall my extensive series about good decisions and bad decisions...it's kind of been a while since I've had any good examples to bring forth, but all of that changed last night. Where do I even begin...?

While most of the UniG community was at a pool party at a satellite facility in OTB, I started my night at what I foolishly assumed would be a fairly lowkey house party designed to save us money because that way we could just spend a little on a handle and mixers instead of running up a tab at the bar. Things were going smoothly enough for a couple of hours but then the handle ran out and we clearly weren't done yet, though apparently we probably should have been. At this point, it is important for me to mention that I do not have ANY memory of the rest of this story until further notice and am only relating these details as they have been told to me...

• We went to Bayou City again. Parked in a spot apparently reserved for the gay store next to the bar, went into the store first, and then the bar.
  
• At some point, I was in contact with the Dean of LULZtography and his chauffeur but I was such a trainwreck already that I became unable to operate my phone and my person and thus received a slew of very angry voicemails.
  
• I also somehow fell on the floor and regained my phone abilities (sort of) to post the following to Twitter:
  
  

  Lola i fellell on there flood. Whooke type I'd meess. Theyafe me bit bot sit on the floor. Qhllte type of mess.

  
  
  For those who don't speak drunkanese, that roughly translates to Lolz I fell on the floor. Whole type of mess. The made me not sit on the floor. Whole type of mess. Apparently bar owners don't like people to sit/lay on the floor of their bars. But he also didn't mind that I stayed at the bar, telling my friends something to the effect of "It's my job to get people wasted, they just can't be on the floor."
  
• I may or may not have vomitted both in the bathroom and outside on the patio. The bartender may or may not have done coke under the bar and then made out with my friend.
  
• Upon exiting the bar, we found that my rental car had been towed. We managed to get a ride with some other people back to the house where our night had started out so (relatively) innocently just a few hours before.
  
• At some point, I decided to pass out for a while on the couch. When I woke up, a girl was sitting on the floor near me and upon seeing I was awake, introduced herself, "Hi, I'm the neighbor and it's almost 6am." This is the first thing I remember since like 11:30 or 12.

As I slowly regained consciousness and became aware of my surroundings, I saw that people were dancing and having a great time while I had been asleep. And there was a chocolate lab sniffing me. Also, one of the bartenders from Guava was there, not one I usally get drinks from, but I recognized him and he me, apparently. He was surprised and impresssed when I said I knew who he was because of the condition I was in but even if I didn't remember the entire night up to that point, I still have a good memory of things outside of when I'm really trashed. I was then informed of the car towing situation and I didn't even really know how to process that at the time, but found my phone in the couch and fired off text to Clay just before my phone lost it's last ounce of battery life. The neighbors left, we called to find out where the car was and then went to sleep around 6:30 in the morning.

I wake up who knows how many hours later and some CD is looping the same song over and over again but I can't manage to get up to deal with it so I just remain on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually we go to the place to get the car and it's in such a sketchy weird area and we had to wait for the LONGEST train ever to go by and omg it was so awful just trying to get there. But we finally made it and talked to the lady through the little window and I had to go get the rental agreement from the car, but only one person is allowed to go in there where all the cars are, IDEK why, but that's the rule. So I wander in and I'm just like "WTF how am I supposed to find this car out here by myself?" Of course it was all the way in like the farthest area.

From there, the tale does not improve for the better. Absolutely not. The rental agreement is in my mom's name and it doesn't show my name on there anywhere as being an authorized driver of the car even though my mom asked them about that and they said it was fine. So they can't let me have the car. I tried to call the rental company to try to get them to fax something over. Of course the location where the car was from is not open on Sundays, so we tried the main office/corporate number and that was a whole mess of automated menus and whatnot. And for some godforsaken reason, this man was using a jackhammer next to me while I was trying to deal with the phone call and it was really rude. The phone call did not yield positive results and I still couldn't have the car back so we just left and went to the bar, which clearly was the best possible course of action.

Fast forward a bit, my parents get back from Austin and my mom wants to go to try and get the car again. Tow yards are open 24 hours and I suppose this is like the one nice thing about them, because everything else is shitty shitty shitty. We called to find out if they'll let us have the car now but there was another problem with the rental agreement saying I was supposed to return the car on Friday, so my mom and I have to get up and go to the rental place when they open at 7:30am to sort this all out. The cost to get your car back increases at midnight so since we can't get it til the morning, it goes up from $191 to $250...which is a shit ton of money I cannot afford to throw away but it's too late for that.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I Think I'm The New Amtrak...

You guys need to catch up. I seem to be the only one around here who is making any progress thus far at making this summer blog-worthy. After Saturday night's debauchery, I thought everyone understood that all bets were off and the games were to begin, full speed ahead, and all that, but so far, I'm not seeing commitment from your departments.

Meanwhile, I've upped the ante by drinking no less (but quite possibly more) than 5 shots and 5 gin and tonics at Guava Lamp last night, racking up a $57.75 charge on my card, and then proceeding to not remember the end of the night, during which I managed to lose my beloved iPhone. I woke up this morning on a couch in a house that I didn't even remember going to, two hours later than I was supposed to get up to take someone to the airport. With my phone nowhere to be seen, I found two quarters on the desk and ran out of there to a pay phone on the corner of Montrose and Dallas to let the authorities* know that I was, in fact, not dead. It's surprising I was able to find those quarters because the one thing I do remember from the period of time in between being in Guava and waking up was stopping by CVS with an associate to buy a pack of cigarettes...which we paid for entirely with coins. A lot of those coins were pennies. That CVS worker had to have L O V E D us.

There is still a sliiiiiight chance that my phone will come back to me, but in all likelyhood, it would appear that the official University of GuantanaMontrose Register of Items Lost, Stolen, Broken or Otherwise Rendered Inaccessible has claimed its first victim for Summer 2009.

*By authorities, I mean my mom. She was definitely in full worried/panic mode. I honestly can't say I blame her. Sorry, Mom.

EDIT 9:20pm: FOUND MY IPHONE!! ALL IS NOT LOST! But I still win at being a trainwreck so far...though tonight is a new night.

A New Era for UGMo

Last night marked the beginning of what I assume will rapidly become the next insane chapter in the lives of the UGMo community. Guest Lecturer Mal has returned from her semester doing research on International Relations in Spain and soon Tour Guide Ray, Dean JToy and many others will be arriving in the 'trose as well. I predict things will soon escalate to a whole new level. What the hell am I talking about, things have already escalated. Armed with a bottle of Jack Daniels (always a dangerous situation for me...), I unintentionally wreaked havoc on my own life and likely those of my fellow faculty members. I'm not prepared to divulge the full extent of my actions in this public forum, but we'll leave it at the fact that it was yet another night that I should not have left the SoMoToHo. No stop signs or cops were involved this time, thankfully, but I really need to learn to listen when Prof. Tim attempts to remove liquor from my possession. With my history, I wouldn't be surprised if others also tried to protect me from myself, but at the same time, I can't remember it if they did...

Good Decisions vs. Bad Decisions from the Dean

• Good decision: drinking 16 individual bottles of sunny D with a shot of vodka in each over a 5hr period of time
• Good decision: following this up with illegal substances and a fun-sized white chocolate kit-kat
• Good decision: befriending a nice guy with a tazmanian devil sweatshirt on, accessing tall-boys, and making your way to an off-campus establishment
• Bad decision: changing plans mid-drive and going to taz's house. that ends up being a t-hut.
• Good decision: getting up and leaving, buying a jar of tostito's queso and a bag of tostito's at the gas station, and going home to eat it

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?

Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.

Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:

1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!

None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini


via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Graduate School of Dentistry

Regarding complaints that the students attending our school of dentistry have been abusing their supply of nitrous oxide, Uni GuantanaMontrose would like to issue an official apology. David and his family have been compensated with a tuition-waived UGMo education, and unnecessary amounts of nitrous oxide will now only be used on children ages 12 and older.

Final Review

As the optional inaugural Winter Term of UniGuantanaMontrose draws to a close, I thought it appropriate that we have a little review session before the final exam. Use these study questions to help prepare yourself for the test, which will be taking place on Friday, January 23, 2009.

1. Approximately how much time must pass after a group of gay men enters a hot tub before one of them gets naked and encourages the rest to do the same? Discuss the results of this action.

2. Describe the appropriate way to behave in the following situations: 

a. When at RICH'S to see LA's celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson.

b. When at Chapultapec and want to be served alcohol after 2am.

c. When you've had too much to drink and want to leave the party.

3. Choose three of these UGMo hangouts to compare and contrast: Poison Girl, Ernie's, Club Bridge, Boondocks, The Cellar, Guava Lamp, Boheme.

4. Write a sentence or two to explain the importance of each of these people (or groups):

a. Adam

b. Mel

c. Peter Marks

d. Bill

e. The Cops

f. Hipsters

g. The bartender from The Cellar

h. The girl from Kenya

i. SHSGs

j. The bartender from JR's

5. Create a hypothesis regarding how many nights in a row it is possible for a group of 20-somethings to get completely wasted, stay up til 3-4-5-6-7am, hook up with randoms, get cars and other property lost/stolen/towed/wrecked, eat gallons of queso, write about it all on a blog, and somehow still avoid death.

Good luck, students! I hope you have a successful end of the term and are ready to start fresh in the Spring 2009 semester. 

Bad Things Happen to Not So Good People

Last night was a very careful dance of evading another threesome. It also was a night of going out to a bar, getting trashed, and then coming back home and finishing off a whole new bottle of vodka before bed. Why, oh why, and when, oh when, did we all decide pre and post-parties are a necessary part of any night out? I woke up at 11am and realized I'd completely missed my flight and five calls from my family. Looks like I've also evaded a mandatory family trip.

I think it's about time for Uniguantanmontrose to start up for the semester because I am in serious need of edification in Hallie's "Good Decisions v. Bad Decisions 101." Looks like avoiding threesomes is a good decision, but getting wasted and missing flights is a bad one.

I don't know how this blog has devolved to my drunken antics, but I guess it was bound to happen?

Quarantined at the SoMoToHo (ie This is What Happens When I Post at 420)

Approximately a month ago, I came home from school and had a horrible winter cold. For the first weekend back I was too busy drinking and having 3-somes to notice that it was still hiding behind the veils of my mucus. Well, quelle surprise, the sickness re-emerged 3 days before my family vacation to the Third World.

In hopes of having me attend the vacation (likely) and successfully deliver his holiday gift baskets (more likely,) my dad prescribed me a set of antibiotics. I know this is not normal, and that one can grow a tolerance to such drugs and thereby make them ineffective, but I figured why not do it just this once! Plus, my dad seemed to think it was a good idea, even if blackmail for illegal unpaid labor was included in his logic(delivering gift baskets or going on family vacations, you pick.) So, I take the pills, and two days in I feel WONDERFULLY better! I immediately stop taking them, not realizing they're not the same thing as NyQuil, because now that I am well, why continue remembering to take pills.

Five days go by, and at dinner on the vacation my dad asks if I've finished my antibiotics. I casually say no, I have not. Then proceed to get a lecture about how you have to continue taking them. That night, before bed, I start them again.

Two days go by, I am on vacation, and clearly, I don't give a fuck! So duh, I forget about them again.

Now, four weeks after it all began, I am home and in pain. I am dead. I have sleept for a successful 48 hours, and have not left the house in 3 days. I did, today, go drink a $30 pitcher of margaritas, but I'm not really counting this because it was charity work. Best of all, my boyfriend is dressing like he's gay, single and ready to mingle in ~!@1~BARCELONA~1@!~ again... Strange things happen when you hibernate, but after all, isn't that what winter is all about?

Anyway, I am back on the antibiotics (which ironically don't seem to be working quite as well this time) and think I'm going to die. My mom is convinced I have developed a "Super Bug" and won't let me come home. I am currently writing this blog from Steven's mosquito-infested patio (thought I left malaria behind in Panama with the last antibiotic regime?) because I cannot stand Steven watching "My So Called Life" 24/7 as his passive-aggressive punishment for me being sick and forcing him to stay home and take care of me.

This is the part where you pray for me to get better!

Hope to see you guys on-campus again soon! I hear there may be a big party tomorrow night. GG never sleeps.

I.D.E.K. About Last Night

Okay, the most recent post by Hallie really does propose an interesting concept in rationality and morality becoming a core value for instruction at UniGuantanamontrose. As for Tim's Mission Statement, I'll file that under "good decisions" for the moment.

So after reading about Hallie's most recent toils and troubles, I feel much less shameful about the mayhem that I partook in. In Hallie's defense there were many other "going ons about the party" that should be shared.

1. We played Dreamphone in a Lion King tent. The only thing that kept us from being 8 year-old girls was the fact that we were getting drunk and leaving said tent to smoke cigarettes every 15 minutes.
2. Jtoy showed up to the party and already had a concussion.
3. Steven's entire street ended up at the party at some point. His nearest neighbors (a gay brother and a lesbian sister) came to the party at 1 am with dates.
4. They then returned again at 4 am for more.
5. A random guy from across the street showed up at 3 am carrying 2 forties and suitcases. We thought he was moving in, but it turns out he just had an early morning flight to Costa Rica and didn't want to bother trying to sleep.
6. There was only a 20 minute period (somewhere between midnight and 1) during which "Circus" by Britney Spears was not being blasted from the stereo.
7. Even though Britney Spears was being blasted, the entire first season of "My So Called Life" never faded from the TV.
8. JPatt went to bed at 1 am and slept through the entire party. Even so, her camera now has no less than 304 pictures from last night, 148 of which are of me playing twister.
9. Three different people threw up in the kitchen sink. After cleaning the first two incidents, I just decided to let the third run its course. This is the moment at which I owe Jtoy a shout out for being a good maid. Future career possibilities are boundless for us both.
   
10. Okay, maybe this list does not need to continue...

Anyway, we here at UniGuantanamontrose may swear we're not crazy, but perhaps we really are...

Decisions

So basically my life has changed completely in the past 12 hours. The fact that I even still have a life, literally, that I am alive, is kind of a miracle. A new course will be added to the University of GuantanaMontrose's list of offerings that will deal with making good decisions vs. bad ones.

A good decision: Have fun at a party with friends. 

A bad decision: Make drinks that are more than 50% liquor. One might be ok, several is not.

Another bad decision: Leave the party in your car after said drinks.

A third bad decision (that may or may not have even been a decision at all): Somehow make it almost all the way home before stopping at a stop sign and falling asleep in the car.

There are more bad decisions involved here too, but this is enough to discuss for now.