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Future Uni G Campus Party

So after 5 nights of ridiculousness that rival winter recess, I finally forced myself to take a nap today. It took me hours to fall asleep despite the fact that i was ridiculously sleepy because i think may have actual health problems related to my leisure activities. In the dream (trippiest dream of my life. also included me watching a "live feed" of myself.) there was a surprise UGMo block party that hallie had thrown us, and I will now describe what we need to do in order to access that in real life.

1. Make a 20ft x 100ft billboard kite that has freeway exits and street signs that relate to montrose.
2. Attach it to a spool of string that stands 4 feet tall so that it will go high enough for the whole city to see.
3. Throw the giant spool in the air and down the street to surprise everyone and get the party started.
4. Have piggyback ride races where people bend down. so really it's like a horse race kind of thing, except you are latched onto the person's back.
   
5. Get multiple versions of this kind of thing with weird indescribable creatures instead of dragons.
6. Baby pools. everywhere. most likely filled with vodka.
   
7. Get shutdown by apartment complex property managers.

I wish I remembered more, but this certainly seems like a good start. End of term party planning committee unite!

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:

1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
   

   • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
   • conti and bourbon where r u
   • what streets are u at tell me
   • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
   • TEXT MESSAGING USE IT
   • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
   • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
   • where the rich are u
   • I’m about to take a cab
   • outside??
   • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
   • idk jester pizza

4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
   
9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
   
10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
12. drinking king cobra on public transit
    
13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
14. aggressively ribbon dancing
15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
    
20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

Ratatrollin...

...

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini


via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Case study in doing it for Teh LULZ: Last Night

• Get super drunk early in the day off tall boys of King Cobra
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember

The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.

Poetry Contest

Though poetry is not necessarily a part of either of our curricula, in the spirit of interdisciplinary education and general lulziness, the Dean of LULZtography and I would like to invite students and faculty members to participate in the first annual Valentine's Day Poetry Contest. Though the readings and judging will take place on this inane holiday, poems do not have to focus on love or any other specific subject matter. The drunker you are at the time of writing your poem, the more likely you are to strike upon a moment of poetic genius, much like the Dean did the other evening as we sat around a campfire at the end of a 10-hour day of drinking:

I'll eat a monkey
I'll eat a walnut

Son, you don't know
I'll eat a donkey

You should not be intimidated by this as he has a lot more experience in drinking and completing literary assignments than we would expect from most students, so just give it your best effort and I'm sure you will do quite well. We look forward to hearing all the poems next Saturday! There may even be a special guest judge present, who I'm sure everyone will want to meet!

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

Things That Will Not Be Tolerated At UGMo, Part 1

I fucking hate hipsters. To me they are the lowest of the low, the most inconsiderate scum on this earth. Say what you will about terrorists or whatever the fuck else, I don't care, hipsters need to go DIAF. Hipsters are like party terrorists. They ruin my night, make me hate everything, and show no respect for anyone or anything.

Tonight was the opening night of Club Access and it was supposed to be a fun time, but I almost would have rather been at home putting away my laundry and watching Wednesday night's episode of Top Chef on my DVR. I don't know how these people learned about the party or if they even knew anyone there, but they were not at all a positive addition to the scene. 

Several times I went back and forth from the inside of the SoMoToHo to the front where some people were hanging out. A half dozen or so of these awful hipsters were clustered on the stoop, preventing me from easily passing through the front door. Maybe it was annoying of me to keep going through, but really, they could have moved off the stoop onto the sidewalk after the first time I went through the middle of them. I wasn't even the only one, other people were coming and going as well, but it never even crossed their minds to relocate their conversation 5 feet away to allow an unobstructed flow of movement to occur.

Finally I was so fed up with them completely ignoring my need to pass that I shouted "EXCUSE ME AGAIN, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF THE FUCKING DOOR!" as I maneuvered my way through. I ran inside as they called me names and judged me for being so unhip as to have wanted to walk through the door of a house that I belonged at because I am fairly good friends with the people who live there and I don't think a single one of them could have told you Steven or JPatt's names. 

I tried to limit my interactions with this crowd from that point on, and I was fairly successful to this end, but the hipster-created drama of this night was not over. Later in the course of the party, a new handle of vodka was unveiled, and maybe 2 or 3 of us accessed drinks from it. Not thinking anything of it, I left the handle sitting on the counter, as often occurs during parties at the SoMoToHo. A few minutes later, Ray came to ask me where the vodka was, assuming I might have hidden it somewhere. This was not the case and upon extensive searching, the handle could not be found, so there is little left to do that to assume that some asshole, upon leaving, glanced into the kitchen, noticed the mostly full bottle of Tito's, and absconded with it before we were any the wiser.

They probably laughed to their friends as they left the scene of the crime, congratulating themselves on scoring free booze and ruining our night even more. Whether they did this as a "fuck you, your party was lame" move or if they just don't have any manners and just thought they could take whatever they damn well pleased, I don't know. But stealing alcohol from a party is a dick move no matter what. Especially when the hosts have been providing you with drinks all night. I wasn't even a host of this party, nor did I have anything to do with purchasing the stolen goods, but I have some common sense and decency enough to know that you just don't fucking do that. I mean that didn't even happen at the party with the most epic hipster invasion I've ever experienced, the one that yielded this. That night was a whole other type of mess though.

Anyway, I want nothing to do with these assholes and the next time I have to be around them it will be too soon. Affirmative action be damned, as the co-founder and namer of the University of GuantanaMontrose, I hereby declare that they shall not be granted admission or access to our center of learning.