From 50 Cent Fridays to $250 Saturdays...

In the Fall, I will be leading a graduate-level seminar course entitled The Shitshow and Other Bad Nights: Advanced Techniques in Being an Epic Trainwreck and I did an extreme amount of hands-on research last night to prepare for what I hope to be really enlightening discussions with some of the University's top graduate students. I'm sure everyone can recall my extensive series about good decisions and bad decisions...it's kind of been a while since I've had any good examples to bring forth, but all of that changed last night. Where do I even begin...?

While most of the UniG community was at a pool party at a satellite facility in OTB, I started my night at what I foolishly assumed would be a fairly lowkey house party designed to save us money because that way we could just spend a little on a handle and mixers instead of running up a tab at the bar. Things were going smoothly enough for a couple of hours but then the handle ran out and we clearly weren't done yet, though apparently we probably should have been. At this point, it is important for me to mention that I do not have ANY memory of the rest of this story until further notice and am only relating these details as they have been told to me...

• We went to Bayou City again. Parked in a spot apparently reserved for the gay store next to the bar, went into the store first, and then the bar.
  
• At some point, I was in contact with the Dean of LULZtography and his chauffeur but I was such a trainwreck already that I became unable to operate my phone and my person and thus received a slew of very angry voicemails.
  
• I also somehow fell on the floor and regained my phone abilities (sort of) to post the following to Twitter:
  
  

  Lola i fellell on there flood. Whooke type I'd meess. Theyafe me bit bot sit on the floor. Qhllte type of mess.

  
  
  For those who don't speak drunkanese, that roughly translates to Lolz I fell on the floor. Whole type of mess. The made me not sit on the floor. Whole type of mess. Apparently bar owners don't like people to sit/lay on the floor of their bars. But he also didn't mind that I stayed at the bar, telling my friends something to the effect of "It's my job to get people wasted, they just can't be on the floor."
  
• I may or may not have vomitted both in the bathroom and outside on the patio. The bartender may or may not have done coke under the bar and then made out with my friend.
  
• Upon exiting the bar, we found that my rental car had been towed. We managed to get a ride with some other people back to the house where our night had started out so (relatively) innocently just a few hours before.
  
• At some point, I decided to pass out for a while on the couch. When I woke up, a girl was sitting on the floor near me and upon seeing I was awake, introduced herself, "Hi, I'm the neighbor and it's almost 6am." This is the first thing I remember since like 11:30 or 12.

As I slowly regained consciousness and became aware of my surroundings, I saw that people were dancing and having a great time while I had been asleep. And there was a chocolate lab sniffing me. Also, one of the bartenders from Guava was there, not one I usally get drinks from, but I recognized him and he me, apparently. He was surprised and impresssed when I said I knew who he was because of the condition I was in but even if I didn't remember the entire night up to that point, I still have a good memory of things outside of when I'm really trashed. I was then informed of the car towing situation and I didn't even really know how to process that at the time, but found my phone in the couch and fired off text to Clay just before my phone lost it's last ounce of battery life. The neighbors left, we called to find out where the car was and then went to sleep around 6:30 in the morning.

I wake up who knows how many hours later and some CD is looping the same song over and over again but I can't manage to get up to deal with it so I just remain on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually we go to the place to get the car and it's in such a sketchy weird area and we had to wait for the LONGEST train ever to go by and omg it was so awful just trying to get there. But we finally made it and talked to the lady through the little window and I had to go get the rental agreement from the car, but only one person is allowed to go in there where all the cars are, IDEK why, but that's the rule. So I wander in and I'm just like "WTF how am I supposed to find this car out here by myself?" Of course it was all the way in like the farthest area.

From there, the tale does not improve for the better. Absolutely not. The rental agreement is in my mom's name and it doesn't show my name on there anywhere as being an authorized driver of the car even though my mom asked them about that and they said it was fine. So they can't let me have the car. I tried to call the rental company to try to get them to fax something over. Of course the location where the car was from is not open on Sundays, so we tried the main office/corporate number and that was a whole mess of automated menus and whatnot. And for some godforsaken reason, this man was using a jackhammer next to me while I was trying to deal with the phone call and it was really rude. The phone call did not yield positive results and I still couldn't have the car back so we just left and went to the bar, which clearly was the best possible course of action.

Fast forward a bit, my parents get back from Austin and my mom wants to go to try and get the car again. Tow yards are open 24 hours and I suppose this is like the one nice thing about them, because everything else is shitty shitty shitty. We called to find out if they'll let us have the car now but there was another problem with the rental agreement saying I was supposed to return the car on Friday, so my mom and I have to get up and go to the rental place when they open at 7:30am to sort this all out. The cost to get your car back increases at midnight so since we can't get it til the morning, it goes up from $191 to $250...which is a shit ton of money I cannot afford to throw away but it's too late for that.

FUCK MY LIFE.

50 Cent Fridays in GuantanaMontrose

Thanks to the combined efforts of the University Financial Aid Department and the Social Events Planning Committee, faculty, staff and students have a new place to cut loose on Friday nights. Formerly a diner owned by and named for a drag queen, the establishment has been remodeled and rebranded and is now the latest in a string of happening hot spots to open up in the neighborhood adjacent to the campus. Bayou City knows how to draw a crowd of thirsty folks who maybe don't have as much money to spend as they might like because of this economy...they offer well drinks on Friday nights for the amazingly low price of just 50 cents. As a self-appointed scout dedicated to finding all the best drink specials and fun places to party, I spent last Friday evening at Bayou City and discovered that it was a pretty good time, so I sent out the following missive to some of my fellow professors yesterday afternoon and the word spread from there:

"Fifty cent wells at Bayou City tonight...good idea or bad idea that we'll do anyway?"

I arrived early with Carl and we staked out a suitable area right next to the bar on the patio. Prof. Tim soon joined us and shortly thereafter a contingent of other professors and top graduate students arrived, already full of blue margs from El Patio. As more and more members of the UGMo community arrived, we rapidly took over a large portion of the patio and sometimes the dance floor inside as well.

Over the course of the night, the following things may have occurred:

1. Dean J.Toy tumbled off the stage where she had been dancing. She may have been pushed by Kathleen, a student who is rumoured to be pissed that the Dean wouldn't let her write a thesis about the effects of drinking 4 blue margs and/or Texas Teas in one night. The investigation is still pending.

2. A student who shall remain nameless danced on the bar with a fellow patron.

3. Carl referred to pretty much everyone as either Flapjack or Captain K'nuckles. They are adventurers.

4. I was forced to make many visits to the handicapped stall in the men's restroom.

5. Chancellor Steven invited people to post-party at his ToHo/his neighbor's ToHo. I arrived too late with Carl and Tour Guide Ray, after stopping at CVS and failing to be able to access cheap wine as it was almost 3am. The party was mostly over, so we left and brought with us the Visiting Professor of Europedancepop, who seemed to be in need of rescuing from some unknown fate that had her running around the ToHo sans pants.

6. There were many twinks and skanks present, so if anyone is in the market for a new twink slave or a skank...who is a skank...then this would be a good place to look.

7. Uhhh...probably a lot more things also took place but consuming a dozen or so 50-cent vodka tonics does not exactly lead to a good memory of the previous night's events. I invite others to add their recollections to the comments.

The Deans of LULZtography and Drama Llama Studies were sadly missing in action during this whirlwind of chaos and cheap shitty liquor. They will have to experience 50 Cent Friday another time. Or not.

Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

I Think I'm The New Amtrak...

You guys need to catch up. I seem to be the only one around here who is making any progress thus far at making this summer blog-worthy. After Saturday night's debauchery, I thought everyone understood that all bets were off and the games were to begin, full speed ahead, and all that, but so far, I'm not seeing commitment from your departments.

Meanwhile, I've upped the ante by drinking no less (but quite possibly more) than 5 shots and 5 gin and tonics at Guava Lamp last night, racking up a $57.75 charge on my card, and then proceeding to not remember the end of the night, during which I managed to lose my beloved iPhone. I woke up this morning on a couch in a house that I didn't even remember going to, two hours later than I was supposed to get up to take someone to the airport. With my phone nowhere to be seen, I found two quarters on the desk and ran out of there to a pay phone on the corner of Montrose and Dallas to let the authorities* know that I was, in fact, not dead. It's surprising I was able to find those quarters because the one thing I do remember from the period of time in between being in Guava and waking up was stopping by CVS with an associate to buy a pack of cigarettes...which we paid for entirely with coins. A lot of those coins were pennies. That CVS worker had to have L O V E D us.

There is still a sliiiiiight chance that my phone will come back to me, but in all likelyhood, it would appear that the official University of GuantanaMontrose Register of Items Lost, Stolen, Broken or Otherwise Rendered Inaccessible has claimed its first victim for Summer 2009.

*By authorities, I mean my mom. She was definitely in full worried/panic mode. I honestly can't say I blame her. Sorry, Mom.

EDIT 9:20pm: FOUND MY IPHONE!! ALL IS NOT LOST! But I still win at being a trainwreck so far...though tonight is a new night.