I Think I'm The New Amtrak...

You guys need to catch up. I seem to be the only one around here who is making any progress thus far at making this summer blog-worthy. After Saturday night's debauchery, I thought everyone understood that all bets were off and the games were to begin, full speed ahead, and all that, but so far, I'm not seeing commitment from your departments.

Meanwhile, I've upped the ante by drinking no less (but quite possibly more) than 5 shots and 5 gin and tonics at Guava Lamp last night, racking up a $57.75 charge on my card, and then proceeding to not remember the end of the night, during which I managed to lose my beloved iPhone. I woke up this morning on a couch in a house that I didn't even remember going to, two hours later than I was supposed to get up to take someone to the airport. With my phone nowhere to be seen, I found two quarters on the desk and ran out of there to a pay phone on the corner of Montrose and Dallas to let the authorities* know that I was, in fact, not dead. It's surprising I was able to find those quarters because the one thing I do remember from the period of time in between being in Guava and waking up was stopping by CVS with an associate to buy a pack of cigarettes...which we paid for entirely with coins. A lot of those coins were pennies. That CVS worker had to have L O V E D us.

There is still a sliiiiiight chance that my phone will come back to me, but in all likelyhood, it would appear that the official University of GuantanaMontrose Register of Items Lost, Stolen, Broken or Otherwise Rendered Inaccessible has claimed its first victim for Summer 2009.

*By authorities, I mean my mom. She was definitely in full worried/panic mode. I honestly can't say I blame her. Sorry, Mom.

EDIT 9:20pm: FOUND MY IPHONE!! ALL IS NOT LOST! But I still win at being a trainwreck so far...though tonight is a new night.

Term Papers: Impending Doom or Happy Hour in the Model Home?

So my housemate, the every wonderful Princess Bitchette, and I have decided that our term papers (due in approx. 24 hours) are actually not that large of a priority. I have written a 3 page outline that I do not understand, and I have bullshitted two of the twenty pages. Here is my thesis:

"A primary occupation of the novel is the conflict between oral and literary practice and tradition, and the author’s insecurities highlight not only the difficulty of mediating two vastly different traditions of storytelling, but also the greater cultural difficulties that Chamoiseau’s authorial conflict allegorizes."

Anyway, this paper is clearly of high importance, and out of respect for my academic success, I decided I needed to take a break and refuel. Incidentally, Princess Bitchette simultaneously felt a scholarly break was needed. We set down our lappies and rendez-voused in the kitchen. What follows is more or less what took place:

Fig. 1. That is our "alcohol map." 

As Bichette and I snacked in the kitchen, we both realized that in less than a week we would be graduating, moving out, and leaving this chapter of our lives behind. There was clearly work to be done, and priority 1A was making sure that no child bottle of alcohol was left behind! We quickly mapped all the possible cocktail combinations, using a bottle of water as a stand-in for our vodka. The speed and alacrity with which this task was accomplished was truly astonishing, and UniGuantanamontrose has clearly taught me skills much greater than writing papers. An hour after the beginning of my "deserved break" and I am already tipsy from a concoction of Parfait Amour, Blue Curacao, Triple Sec, Contreau and Vodka. We're working our way through flavor groups, and orange seemed like the best fit. Anyway, I now have a mild headache, and even less drive to finish this paper.

Some habits die hard.

Thank you, UniG, you've taught me well!

Important Questions 101

Make sure you ask whoever is allowing you to sleep on her futon about the creatures on any throw blankets she forces you to use. In general it's always helpful to ask:

"Are there dogs on that blanket?"

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?

Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.

Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:

1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!

None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Mixology 101

The Cement Mixer



I know what I'll be ordering for JPatt this Saturday at Boondocks...

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

EPIC hipster FAIL

Srzly; I just threw up in my mouth a little lot.

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