The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.

Rosetta Stone and Its Healing Properties

I recently was driving behind an 18-wheeler and noticed a drivers wanted sign on the back. For a moment I thought, that doesn't sound like that awful of a job...they make a fair amount of money. I allowed my mind to wander...what would I do while driving all day? Use that radio thing to talk to other drivers? Drink Dr. Pepper constantly and invent a car version of the bed pan? Was there any possibility for productivity? That's when it hit me-- rosetta stone. My plan was simple: Drive trucks for a few months while I became fluent in another language, then apply to work for freetranslation.com, and from there, I could do anything! Then I realized that if I could do this, any truck driver could! What were they thinking sittin up on them radios all day using weirdo names and talking about King of the Hill? This idea clearly needed to be mass marketed to truck drivers around the globe.

Later that week I was watching the Tyra show. The episode was about women in the sex industry, and how they could get out of it. They didn't really have many plausible options in my opinion, and it was then that I realized the answer again was rosetta stone. They could become at least conversationally fluent, expand their client base and save all extra money they were earning. Then, again, applications to freetranslation.com would be in order.

Overall, I really believe in the Rosetta Stone Revolution. Who wants to get it started?
I suppose if it doesn't take off, I at least have a pretty good back up plan for graduation. Hallie perhaps you should consider this as well? You and your truck driver persona "Bacon Bits" would probably be pretty popular on that radio network.

On being popular and unemployed...

The dictionary widget on the Dashboard of my MacBook Pro defines the word popular thusly: 

Liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people or by a particular person or group.

I don't mean to sound utterly conceited or anything when I say this, but I think I'm probably the most popular person I know. This is not to say that I don't know other people who are also quite popular and it also doesn't mean that there is no one who dislikes me. What it does mean is that I have a rather large circle of friends and acquaintances, any number of whom may be simultaneously vying for my attention and presence at their party, bar, or other venue in which twenty-somethings gather on any given night. It hasn't always been this way and I know better than to assume that it always will, but for the time being, this is my life and I am going to accept it. The problem, however, is that I can't be in multiple locations at one time, no matter how much I'd like to attend every event and hang out session with every wonderful and interesting person I'm privileged to call my friend. I try my best to juggle and spend at least a small amount of time in as many places as possible, so as to please everyone I can. Whether this is the recommended course of action, I am not certain. On occasion it can be quite fun, but other times, I find myself hardly enjoying anything because I'm constantly trying to make sure I fit everything in. Maybe my problem is that I try too hard to please everyone else, but at the same time, I'm doing it for myself. I aim to maximize the amount of fun I'm having at (almost) all costs. This is perhaps my top priority.

It seems like almost daily someone tells me that I am their favorite or that they love me because of something or other--whether it was something I said or did or wore or even something about me as a person that I didn't even consciously have anything to do with. This comes both from people I've known for years and people I've just met. Along that vein, it's not rare for me to have a new "best friend" at the end of the night, someone I had never seen or talked to when I arrived in that place. Honestly, I love this. Sometimes this new friendship only lasts the duration of our time together that night and then we never see each other again but other times we end up hanging out regularly. Either way, it's absolutely a wonderful feeling to know that another person finds you worth their time.

This popularity is something that I suppose has been evolving over the course of a couple of years now, starting when I was regularly throwing parties in my apartment in Berkeley, allowing friends and strangers alike to share the fun. A much more recent development in my life is my newly unemployed status. My previous work situation was never intended to be long-term and it eventually came to its end. I have mixed feelings about this, but mostly I am happy for a chance to explore something new. The difficulty here is that I don't know exactly what this "something new" will be. I have vague notions of things I might like to do, and much more definite ideas about things that I cannot and will not do, but it's hard to focus that into a concrete plan about what job I should pursue. I often try to think of how I can make money doing something that I love and would do regardless of getting paid. My latest thoughts have turned to figuring out how to transform my popularity among friends into some sort of career. How might one get paid to make friends, go to parties, drink at bars, etc.? It almost seems impossible, but I don't know if anything is actually impossible anymore. However, I hesitate in trying to find an answer to my question because others arise: Do I really want to turn what I do for fun into work? Would that make it less enjoyable for me? Would I then dread having to go out rather than not being able to wait until it's time to do so?

As we proceed into a brand new year, these are the issues I'm dealing with and hoping to resolve soon. There are other things too, of course, but these are at the front of my mind now. The days to come shall be interesting ones indeed.