The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.

Publicity

It seems our great university has finally started to get the recognition (scroll down) it deserves. Kudos to Tour Guide Ray for such an insightful article on physical health.

Poetry Contest

Though poetry is not necessarily a part of either of our curricula, in the spirit of interdisciplinary education and general lulziness, the Dean of LULZtography and I would like to invite students and faculty members to participate in the first annual Valentine's Day Poetry Contest. Though the readings and judging will take place on this inane holiday, poems do not have to focus on love or any other specific subject matter. The drunker you are at the time of writing your poem, the more likely you are to strike upon a moment of poetic genius, much like the Dean did the other evening as we sat around a campfire at the end of a 10-hour day of drinking:

I'll eat a monkey
I'll eat a walnut

Son, you don't know
I'll eat a donkey

You should not be intimidated by this as he has a lot more experience in drinking and completing literary assignments than we would expect from most students, so just give it your best effort and I'm sure you will do quite well. We look forward to hearing all the poems next Saturday! There may even be a special guest judge present, who I'm sure everyone will want to meet!

I.D.E.K. About Last Night

Okay, the most recent post by Hallie really does propose an interesting concept in rationality and morality becoming a core value for instruction at UniGuantanamontrose. As for Tim's Mission Statement, I'll file that under "good decisions" for the moment.

So after reading about Hallie's most recent toils and troubles, I feel much less shameful about the mayhem that I partook in. In Hallie's defense there were many other "going ons about the party" that should be shared.

1. We played Dreamphone in a Lion King tent. The only thing that kept us from being 8 year-old girls was the fact that we were getting drunk and leaving said tent to smoke cigarettes every 15 minutes.
2. Jtoy showed up to the party and already had a concussion.
3. Steven's entire street ended up at the party at some point. His nearest neighbors (a gay brother and a lesbian sister) came to the party at 1 am with dates.
4. They then returned again at 4 am for more.
5. A random guy from across the street showed up at 3 am carrying 2 forties and suitcases. We thought he was moving in, but it turns out he just had an early morning flight to Costa Rica and didn't want to bother trying to sleep.
6. There was only a 20 minute period (somewhere between midnight and 1) during which "Circus" by Britney Spears was not being blasted from the stereo.
7. Even though Britney Spears was being blasted, the entire first season of "My So Called Life" never faded from the TV.
8. JPatt went to bed at 1 am and slept through the entire party. Even so, her camera now has no less than 304 pictures from last night, 148 of which are of me playing twister.
9. Three different people threw up in the kitchen sink. After cleaning the first two incidents, I just decided to let the third run its course. This is the moment at which I owe Jtoy a shout out for being a good maid. Future career possibilities are boundless for us both.
   
10. Okay, maybe this list does not need to continue...

Anyway, we here at UniGuantanamontrose may swear we're not crazy, but perhaps we really are...

Vest Night Theory Confirmed

8:31PM: Text from Hallie (Hali): "I'm wearing a vest tonight...no bikini top though"
I am excited but warn hallie to be prepared for psycho and disastrous things to occur since she is not wearing the amulet of safety (bikini top)

10:14PM- the "bouncer from xoxo" (midtown streetwalker who kathleen MAY or may not have kissed on new year's) calls kathleen's phone for 28th time. I pick up and attempt to convince him that I am kathleen's mother and kathleen is underage, but he doesn't seem to care. I can't say for sure though because I couldn't understand anything he said except for "hold on mama," which could have been a nod to the fact that i was kathleen's mother, or perhaps was just street slang. So then I proceeded to go Lady Raptastic mixed with a little crazy cat lady (http://consumerist.com/consumer/top/the-second-greatest-thing-weve-ever-posted-crazy-cat-lady-telemarketing-call-187978.php) on his ass:
"LOOK i got the police on the other line, they are tracing this call! I will call the CIA, the FBI, and they are gonna look up your IP address. And when you go on them weirdo websites they are gonna trace your computer and lock you up. They will find you, AND THEY WILL FIND YOU."

surprisingly this crazy ass called back! That convo ended with "stop calling, retard." which seemed to work...at least for the past 12 hours.

11:00PM: mallory, peter, kath, and myself drive to cvs to pick up some ciwgawettes for the nicotine addicts (I should've bought y'all's addicted asses some nicoderm CQ patches cause i'm sick of sittin out in the goddamn cold every night). Everyone but pete acts like a total psycho, and I proceed to throw a bag of sour patch watermelon's at pete because i am convinced if we give them to the bartenders they will like us more.

11:15PM: We show up at the cellar and immediately put our plan into action. I sign me and kath up for miami by will smith and head to the bar. I explain to the bartendress, amber, that we have purchased these candies especially for her. she seems overjoyed. someone else take this opportunitiy to ask if we get a discount- we do. She gave us $5.50 tequila shots for $2.50. We all fall in love.

12:00AM: Tim suggests we take a body shot-- amber practically jumps over the bar to oblige. She's so excited that she gives us the shot for free. she points us in the direction of the AIR HOCKEY table, where tim lies down and i take the shot...all filmed by our amazing club historian--hallie.

12:30AM: Beth arrives. I take her to the bar, where amber, again, gives us the drink for free!

2:15AM: We are kicked out of the bar, as usual, and head over to chapultepec. I get out of the car and immediately open the door of an [apparently unlocked] old suburban-like vehicle. I grab the masking tape and kathleen and i immediately go to work. I have absolutely no idea how we both knew what to do, but we wrapped masking tape around the car about 4 times over. Then we head inside and eat queso and Don Juan plates.

3:45AM: I walk to tim's car, open the door, and get inside. While inside i notice a faint smell and realize no one else has entered the car. i am told i have shit on my hands. someone had put dog (i hope) shit on all the door handles of tim's car! we decided this must've been related to the masking tape incident, but believe it to be the work of a civilian vigilante as the masking tape had not been removed by the owners of the vehicle.

11:00AM: I wake up and bust out laughing (as I do pretty much every morning..seriously) and cannot believe the night's events. mostly the masking tape.

On being popular and unemployed...

The dictionary widget on the Dashboard of my MacBook Pro defines the word popular thusly: 

Liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people or by a particular person or group.

I don't mean to sound utterly conceited or anything when I say this, but I think I'm probably the most popular person I know. This is not to say that I don't know other people who are also quite popular and it also doesn't mean that there is no one who dislikes me. What it does mean is that I have a rather large circle of friends and acquaintances, any number of whom may be simultaneously vying for my attention and presence at their party, bar, or other venue in which twenty-somethings gather on any given night. It hasn't always been this way and I know better than to assume that it always will, but for the time being, this is my life and I am going to accept it. The problem, however, is that I can't be in multiple locations at one time, no matter how much I'd like to attend every event and hang out session with every wonderful and interesting person I'm privileged to call my friend. I try my best to juggle and spend at least a small amount of time in as many places as possible, so as to please everyone I can. Whether this is the recommended course of action, I am not certain. On occasion it can be quite fun, but other times, I find myself hardly enjoying anything because I'm constantly trying to make sure I fit everything in. Maybe my problem is that I try too hard to please everyone else, but at the same time, I'm doing it for myself. I aim to maximize the amount of fun I'm having at (almost) all costs. This is perhaps my top priority.

It seems like almost daily someone tells me that I am their favorite or that they love me because of something or other--whether it was something I said or did or wore or even something about me as a person that I didn't even consciously have anything to do with. This comes both from people I've known for years and people I've just met. Along that vein, it's not rare for me to have a new "best friend" at the end of the night, someone I had never seen or talked to when I arrived in that place. Honestly, I love this. Sometimes this new friendship only lasts the duration of our time together that night and then we never see each other again but other times we end up hanging out regularly. Either way, it's absolutely a wonderful feeling to know that another person finds you worth their time.

This popularity is something that I suppose has been evolving over the course of a couple of years now, starting when I was regularly throwing parties in my apartment in Berkeley, allowing friends and strangers alike to share the fun. A much more recent development in my life is my newly unemployed status. My previous work situation was never intended to be long-term and it eventually came to its end. I have mixed feelings about this, but mostly I am happy for a chance to explore something new. The difficulty here is that I don't know exactly what this "something new" will be. I have vague notions of things I might like to do, and much more definite ideas about things that I cannot and will not do, but it's hard to focus that into a concrete plan about what job I should pursue. I often try to think of how I can make money doing something that I love and would do regardless of getting paid. My latest thoughts have turned to figuring out how to transform my popularity among friends into some sort of career. How might one get paid to make friends, go to parties, drink at bars, etc.? It almost seems impossible, but I don't know if anything is actually impossible anymore. However, I hesitate in trying to find an answer to my question because others arise: Do I really want to turn what I do for fun into work? Would that make it less enjoyable for me? Would I then dread having to go out rather than not being able to wait until it's time to do so?

As we proceed into a brand new year, these are the issues I'm dealing with and hoping to resolve soon. There are other things too, of course, but these are at the front of my mind now. The days to come shall be interesting ones indeed.