Have you been the victim of a recent LOLZ related incident that resulted in pain, mental anguish, and mockery from the Uni staff? Well, we here at Benevenstanciano and McGillicutty are willing to fight for YOU with a frivolous lawsuit so you’ll receive the maximum amount of financial restitution the law allows!
• Have your friends set up a facebook profile of you that has traveled back from the future to warn you not to do whatever you’re about to do? We’ll sue them for harassment and identity theft!
• Have you actually traveled back from the future so you could set up a facebook profile warning you not to do whatever you are about to do? We’ll sue you for harassment and identity theft!
• Was your cell accessed while you were drunk and your friends used it to updated your Twitter saying you got an STD from poultry? We’ll sue for cell phone tresspassery and Turpes medication!
• Did you have to listen to more than three minutes of the Dean of Drama Llama Studies yammer on about her train wreck of a love life? We’ll sue JPatt for crimes against humanity!
• Has all the other Uni staff been making fun of you for being so grody that you snorted crushed up methadone? Well, we rly can’t do anything because that is totes grody as hell…
• Were you tricked into believing one of your friends was arrested for shoving a waitress because she spilled ranch dressing on his pants? We’ll sue so that he’ll really have to get arrested for shoving a waitress because she spilled ranch dressing on his pants!
We here at Benevenstanciano and McGillicutty want to make sure that if you’re the victim of teh LULZ, we’ll file that frivolous lawsuit to show your friends that they can’t ever fuck around with you!
Showing posts with label LULZ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label LULZ. Show all posts
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Guaranteed Admission to UGMo
As the Fall Semester begins, I know many high school seniors are beginning to prepare their applications for admission to the esteemed University of GuantanaMontrose for next year. I just wanted to provide a quick tip for those who aspire to join our wonderful academic society: Be sure to include evidence of ways in which you embody the spirit and ideals upon which UniG was founded. Here is an example of some precocious young girls who were already hoping to be accepted way back in 2002 before our university was even created:
These girls exhibit their extreme love of queso, which is one of the important criteria for being accepted to UGMo.
Please be sure to complete your applications and submit them for review by the Chancellor and Deans no later than December 15th, 2009. After that date, the entire UniG faculty and staff will be too wasted to know what an application even is. Thank you.
These girls exhibit their extreme love of queso, which is one of the important criteria for being accepted to UGMo.Please be sure to complete your applications and submit them for review by the Chancellor and Deans no later than December 15th, 2009. After that date, the entire UniG faculty and staff will be too wasted to know what an application even is. Thank you.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A Boogie Board + Baby Oil + Houston's Topography = Success
Enrollment will be limited to approximately 12 students and classes will be held MWTh 7:00-8:00PM at Eleanor Tinsley Park, adjacent to North Montrose (NoMo).
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Karaoke 201: Advanced Techniques in Karaoke
As proposed by Dean J. Toy, Karaoke 201 will be one of the most exciting courses offered during Session A for Summer 2009 (with the possibility of sections of the course to be added in upcoming sessions). I oversaw an inservice she held recently with her top-notch team of teaching assistants--Becca, Kim, and Kathleen--and it looks like all students who enroll in this course will be in for a lot of fun. I have prepared a couple of lectures to present to compliment the Dean's lessons and there will be a special presentation by Toddicus, Grand Master of Karaoke.
Students may choose to attend course meetings on Wednesdays and/or Sundays at Guava Lamp, as well as Fridays at The Cellar. Informal sessions may occur on other nights, location to be determined. Grades will be assigned based on a variety of factors including song choice, performance style and audience reaction. Enrollment will be limited due to time restraints during each class, so be sure to sign up now to procure your spot! You will not regret it!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
New Course Proposal
Department: Clever and Offensive Graphic Design. I will request that
the Drama Llama do a guest lecture series. Enrollment will be based on
a review of the students' aptitude for creating and appreciating teh
LULZ.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Case study in doing it for Teh LULZ: Last Night
• Get super drunk early in the day off tall boys of King Cobra
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember
• Upset Tour guide Ray on Facebook
• Make racist prank calls to friends on someone else’s phone
• Have one of those people call you back because it was a wrong number (“Yes, this is Mr. Potts, you called me about niggers and shooting Tupac?”)
• Crash a random party
• Accidentally punch Oliver’s girlfriend in the face
• Repeatedly ask people if “JToy will still be hella lezzy after some 40z?”
• Intentionally punch Oliver in the crotch
• Cause Eva and her boyfriend to breakup the night before Valentines Day
• Drink ketchup straight from the bottle at a restaurant
• Get flashed by a trashy chick because we were in Brian’s new Boxster
• Probably a lot of other stuff I don’t remember
Thursday, February 12, 2009
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the LULZ, Part 1
This is the first post in a series of many to come in which I shall discuss my extensive love of teh Internets. Today's lesson will be brief, but is a perfect example of the brilliance that can exist on the intarwebz.
So a few days ago, Dean J. Toy presented a video about Dentistry. If you forgot or never watched it the first time, it can be found here. Then today, this video about kittens has been spreading all around the tubes. And then, as is the natural way of things, someone combined the two into this. So good.
So a few days ago, Dean J. Toy presented a video about Dentistry. If you forgot or never watched it the first time, it can be found here. Then today, this video about kittens has been spreading all around the tubes. And then, as is the natural way of things, someone combined the two into this. So good.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
When plague 2 meets plague 6
I hope everyone is working on their drunken V-Day poetry for the contest…
The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse
When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:
The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.
The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.
The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...
The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.
The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.
The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.
The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.
The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.
The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.
The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...
On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.
The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.
The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.
The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...
The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.
The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.
The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.
The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.
The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.
The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.
The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...
On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Poetry Contest
Though poetry is not necessarily a part of either of our curricula, in the spirit of interdisciplinary education and general lulziness, the Dean of LULZtography and I would like to invite students and faculty members to participate in the first annual Valentine's Day Poetry Contest. Though the readings and judging will take place on this inane holiday, poems do not have to focus on love or any other specific subject matter. The drunker you are at the time of writing your poem, the more likely you are to strike upon a moment of poetic genius, much like the Dean did the other evening as we sat around a campfire at the end of a 10-hour day of drinking:
You should not be intimidated by this as he has a lot more experience in drinking and completing literary assignments than we would expect from most students, so just give it your best effort and I'm sure you will do quite well. We look forward to hearing all the poems next Saturday! There may even be a special guest judge present, who I'm sure everyone will want to meet!
I'll eat a monkey
I'll eat a walnut
Son, you don't know
I'll eat a donkey
You should not be intimidated by this as he has a lot more experience in drinking and completing literary assignments than we would expect from most students, so just give it your best effort and I'm sure you will do quite well. We look forward to hearing all the poems next Saturday! There may even be a special guest judge present, who I'm sure everyone will want to meet!
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