Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.


  1. WIN x100000000000000000000000

    "or perhaps some other variety."

    Oh noes, ocular herpes! Which, apparently, cats can get too...

  2. Yes, and it must all culminate in one chosen purveyor parting the bayou as thieving hipsters on chariots follow.