50 Cent Fridays in GuantanaMontrose

Thanks to the combined efforts of the University Financial Aid Department and the Social Events Planning Committee, faculty, staff and students have a new place to cut loose on Friday nights. Formerly a diner owned by and named for a drag queen, the establishment has been remodeled and rebranded and is now the latest in a string of happening hot spots to open up in the neighborhood adjacent to the campus. Bayou City knows how to draw a crowd of thirsty folks who maybe don't have as much money to spend as they might like because of this economy...they offer well drinks on Friday nights for the amazingly low price of just 50 cents. As a self-appointed scout dedicated to finding all the best drink specials and fun places to party, I spent last Friday evening at Bayou City and discovered that it was a pretty good time, so I sent out the following missive to some of my fellow professors yesterday afternoon and the word spread from there:

"Fifty cent wells at Bayou City tonight...good idea or bad idea that we'll do anyway?"

I arrived early with Carl and we staked out a suitable area right next to the bar on the patio. Prof. Tim soon joined us and shortly thereafter a contingent of other professors and top graduate students arrived, already full of blue margs from El Patio. As more and more members of the UGMo community arrived, we rapidly took over a large portion of the patio and sometimes the dance floor inside as well.

Over the course of the night, the following things may have occurred:

1. Dean J.Toy tumbled off the stage where she had been dancing. She may have been pushed by Kathleen, a student who is rumoured to be pissed that the Dean wouldn't let her write a thesis about the effects of drinking 4 blue margs and/or Texas Teas in one night. The investigation is still pending.

2. A student who shall remain nameless danced on the bar with a fellow patron.

3. Carl referred to pretty much everyone as either Flapjack or Captain K'nuckles. They are adventurers.

4. I was forced to make many visits to the handicapped stall in the men's restroom.

5. Chancellor Steven invited people to post-party at his ToHo/his neighbor's ToHo. I arrived too late with Carl and Tour Guide Ray, after stopping at CVS and failing to be able to access cheap wine as it was almost 3am. The party was mostly over, so we left and brought with us the Visiting Professor of Europedancepop, who seemed to be in need of rescuing from some unknown fate that had her running around the ToHo sans pants.

6. There were many twinks and skanks present, so if anyone is in the market for a new twink slave or a skank...who is a skank...then this would be a good place to look.

7. Uhhh...probably a lot more things also took place but consuming a dozen or so 50-cent vodka tonics does not exactly lead to a good memory of the previous night's events. I invite others to add their recollections to the comments.

The Deans of LULZtography and Drama Llama Studies were sadly missing in action during this whirlwind of chaos and cheap shitty liquor. They will have to experience 50 Cent Friday another time. Or not.

The 10 Plagues of the LULZpocalypse

When fine purveyors of lulz have done something to upset their god, he reacts by inflicting a series of plagues upon them which they must overcome in order to reclaim their wealth and success. The plagues shall appear as follows:

The first plague is that water turns into blood. Now, this might sound kind of unpleasant and icky, but just remember that Jesus is known to have turned water into wine. He later claimed that wine represents his blood, thus by the Transitive Property of Equality we know that this plague just makes it easier to get drunk and that is really not so much of a plague at all. The god of lulz sometimes is a very tricky guy but he knows that being drunk is the only way to survive the rest of the plagues.

The second plague is that the land is overrun by LOLcats. Again, this is deceiving. LOLcats can be pretty effing cute and funny and a good way to cheer you up when you're feeling sad, but just imagine if they were not merely pictures on the computer screen, and instead were alive and EVERYWHERE around you. Have you ever spent time around just one cat? Infinite cats will be like that, but so much worse. This image shows what it might be like.

The third plague is fleas. Duh, where there are that many cats, there will also be tons of fleas. You can forget about stocking up on Frontline or Advantage though, those will do nothing to solve this flea problem. Oh no, something else must be done to rid the land of both the fleas and the overabundance of LOLcats. Luckily the fourth plague will take care of that...

The fourth plague is Bee Dogs. Considered by some to be cuter and funnier even than LOLcats, this posse of pooches will parade in to fight for their rightful place at the top of the charts on Cute Overload. Of course, dogs often have fleas too, but really, what self-respecting flea would be caught dead on a dog wearing an effing bee costume?! Ok, so the Bee Dogs and the LOLcats eventually scamper away, taking the colony of fleas with them.

The fifth plague is the epidemic of the 25 Things About Me Facebook Meme. Spreading like AIDS through the gay community in the 80s, this meme will become the ultimate waste of time and destroyer of productivity and what precious braincells we have remaining after drinking all of that water=blood=wine. Does anyone really need to know when you lost your first tooth, how many people you hooked up with in college or who your best friend was in 7th grade (and you probably haven't talked to them since then but tagged them to do this meme)? No. If it comes up in a drunk conversation at a party, fine, but there's no reason to broadcast it across the whole internet. Seriously.

The sixth plague is an outbreak of herpes. Everyone will have it instead of just mostly everyone like normal. At this time, it is unclear whether this will be an outbreak of oral or genital herpes or perhaps some other variety. It doesn't really matter, becase it's gross and unsightly no matter what. The good news is that anyone who was smart enough to hoard the wine from earlier will be cured in a short amount of time because somehow in the process of changing from water to blood to wine and around again, it became a powerful elixir.

The seventh plague is a catastrophic hurricane. We're talking Ike and Katrina combined and then some. It won't be pretty and this water won't turn into wine so don't even think about that. On the bright side, it will only last about 20 minutes because the god of lulz is tiring of these damn plagues by now and has more important things to do.

The eighth plague is party crashers. In the aftermath of the hurricane, everyone will gather to have a party to celebrate that they survived such an intense but short-lived storm. The fun will be tainted by a bunch of douchey assholes who insult the party hosts while stealing their alcohol and vomitting on their cars. By the end of the party, the swarm will have done more damage than the hurricane, but they will conveniently leave before helping clean up.

The ninth plague is light. Feeling overwhelmed by the havoc that has been wrought upon their home and everything they own, the people will notice that it's only just 1:30am and they will rush to make it to a local bar in order to have a drink before last call. A quick round will be had before the bartenders turn on all the lights, rendering everyone at least 15% less attractive.

The tenth and final plague is the death of the Internets. No one will be able to blog or update their statuses about what has just happened and there will be no more lulz at all until someone finds a way to appease their god. The answer may or may not involve everyone choosing one item in their possession to sacrifice to the good doctor at Blendtec...

On that note, we've come to an end of this lesson and I'd just like to warn everyone that it's really probably in your best interest not to offend the god of lulz.

Poetry Contest

Though poetry is not necessarily a part of either of our curricula, in the spirit of interdisciplinary education and general lulziness, the Dean of LULZtography and I would like to invite students and faculty members to participate in the first annual Valentine's Day Poetry Contest. Though the readings and judging will take place on this inane holiday, poems do not have to focus on love or any other specific subject matter. The drunker you are at the time of writing your poem, the more likely you are to strike upon a moment of poetic genius, much like the Dean did the other evening as we sat around a campfire at the end of a 10-hour day of drinking:

I'll eat a monkey
I'll eat a walnut

Son, you don't know
I'll eat a donkey

You should not be intimidated by this as he has a lot more experience in drinking and completing literary assignments than we would expect from most students, so just give it your best effort and I'm sure you will do quite well. We look forward to hearing all the poems next Saturday! There may even be a special guest judge present, who I'm sure everyone will want to meet!