Shenanigans 350: A Slight Concern

As Summer Session B continues on in all its glory, the course Shenanigans 350 seems to be getting high honors at regional debates and competitions. This letter should serve as formal acknowledgement, support, praise and validation for all the faculty members and students involved in the Division of Shenanigans, the specific course Shenanigans 350, and all the necessary research projects and grants involved in the formers' execution.

It seems that between the Bringer of Lulz and myself, Tour Guide Ray, this course has received more grant money than any other department, COMBINED! I'm not quite sure from where these funds are coming (perhaps we applied and received a Fullbright and then forgot about it?), but they are copious and some how seem to launder only to JR's and Guava.

Secondly, I would like to congratulate this course for its vivacious and tenacious dedication to Gay Pride. Not only did the UniG Division of Shenanigans have a faculty member in the parade itself (on a float for what exactly, I'm still unsure?), but two of UniG's most distinguished faculty members, along with two visiting professors, sat on the board of the parade along with Toddicus, some rando, and Roula and Ryan from the 104 KRBE Morning Show! Along with announcing the passing floats, the board members also crawled under "local celebrities" chairs to grab beads, frisbees and t-shirts. These dedicated faculty members get highest honors for their work, and I am sure that their chosen charities will profit greatly from the donations collected at the Parade.

Third, I would like to congratulate myself for not stealing the Chancellor's car last night like I did approximately one annum ago. It took perseverance and self-discipline, but I managed to drive away from the Toho's Trendy, Indie, Hipster Party in my own vehicle.

However, despite all of this great news, a wonderful takeout adventure at Chapultepec, a stop on Club Bridge, and a pleasurable night in the pedestrian friendly Guantanamontrose, I do have one slight concern. I am not sure how the events of last night panned out after 3:44 am when I left the SoMoToHo. I am somewhat concern, for when I left the state of things seemed very dire indeed. Sassy was very upset, and he expressed major concern to me; unfortunately, I had an important appointment with the Dean of Drunk Driving and had to depart before properly consoling him. So, let this serve as the official press release for the SoMoToHoTsunamarama. If any of the inhabits of the ToHo were left standing after the deluge of beer and fatats (faux tats, fake tattoos), please contact the Office of the President to let the university know your whereabouts and current state of being.

Thank you all and keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Tour Guide Ray 

P.S. Hotel ZaZa will be offering discounted rooms to memebers of the University during the renovation and restoration of a livable SoMoToHo. Rooms have been reduced from "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" to "When you think about it, that's only 3 bottles of Grey Goose at the Roxy."

A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:


Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.


Fig. 2: Car keys.


Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

Mother Mary would be jealous

This morning woke up from a nightmare that I gave birth to twin rabbits— naked, blind, screaming rabbits. The birthing bunnies thing didn't perplex me. I wanted to know how the fuck I became pregnant in the first place. These buns were screaming, and I was pissed.

Then they started nursing and wrecked my boobs. Then the little tit-ruining bastards had the nerve to fucking die on me.

That's how it works: you play Virgin Mary for some lagomorphs and they repay you with death.