A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:


Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.


Fig. 2: Car keys.


Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

Studying Abroad

In addition to Dean Jtoy's list of courses for this coming quarter, I'd also like to propose a Study Abroad option. This idea came upon me when one of UG's prized students sent me this instant message from Sevilla a few minutes ago:

"haha. so i just fucked a guy and he's sitting right here. but he's spanish, so he has no idea what i'm writing!! haha!
gotta go now. just wanted to tell someone. love ya mucho mucho mucho!!!!!!"

Not only does this comment prove that someone has already begun her work on the catalogue of courses listed by Dean Jtoy, but it also demonstrates the dire need for us all to go to Spain (or anywhere but here) and get laid. In the wish of finding our own "Spring Awakening," I would like to list the possible study abroad options that lay before us. We may not all be able to go to Cabo for Spring Break with everyone and their mother in a sombrero, but we can at least find a way to go on vacation indefinitely while our parents or schools pay for it. On that note, here are some of the possibilities I am pleased to announce are available for students and faculty at the University of Guantanamontrose.

1. Shrooming in Hermann Park with friends visiting from Austin.
2. Cruising at the Bark Park with Professor Tim.
3. Getting black out and fucking in a pick-up truck bed with commentary by Mal via webcam.
4. Tubing down Buffalo Bayou with the Bringer of Lulz.
5. Living vicariously through Tour Guide Ray and Chancellor Steven's european and Thailand facebook albums.
6. Exploring the room of bathtubs through the midget door at Notsuoh's with Avsters.
7. Visiting Adam and Patrick in Austin for SXSW.
8. Stealing a plane and flying to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Oh wait, too late...
9. Stealing a plane and flying to Duke to visit Jtoy.
10. Hijacking one of those rockets on display at NASA and flying on it to the moon. Or maybe just Seville...
11. Selling Sasquatch (or the pink, sparkled, assless chaps Justin stole from me because he's clearly sexually frustrated and in the closet) and using the money to visit Evelyn B in Amsterdammy.
12. Yarwell and yarwell.

Applications are due by March 31st (a special someone's birthday;) so start your essays!

Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

UGMo Bible

I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.

Excerpts might resemble the following:

GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.

2009: We're Getting into Big Bitch Territory

The first thing I did in 2009 was pee on a fence in front of 40 people. I do not know whose house it was at, nor do I even remember where it was, but I'm sure the party-goers will never forget me. I'm getting ahead of myself however... 

Back in 2008, I was still hungover at 11pm; so I decided to chug 3 glasses of wine at my parent's party. I immediately threw up afterwards and was pretty sure the night was ruined. Fortunately, the next party included solo cups full of tequila. Unfortunately, I threw up a bit more before finally re-entering into the kingdom of DRUNK. This was when the party really started for me.

I don't really remember much of the party, but I do remember being locked in a car with a dog for awhile. I do not really understand how that came about, but it did. The best part of the night was when Liza and I did a second countdown at 12:03. The second best part was after said countdown when I was telling a story and a stranger walked up and  said, "we're getting into big bitch territory?" I have no idea what this meant, but I'm assuming it was directed at me... I also remember popping a lot of bottles of champagne that were definitely not mine, maybe this was why?

After the party, we went back to S's and got even more drunk. We ended up in the hot tub, and then got a tip that not so big A was seen at Taco C. I immediately called him and made him come over. It was kind of awkward since I hadn't seen him since our original 3-some. It was also kind of awkward because I apparently was incapable of proper communication at that point and spent most of the time screaming "WOOOHOOOO!!!" into Jtoy's face. He brought some 17 year old that Jpatt referred to as the "Twink Slave." I tried to get them to have a four-some, but that was bust. Additionally, the "Twink Slave" kept yelling at Jtoy because earlier that night, chez Taco C, she evidently cut him off in the drive-thru. I honestly don't remember any of this, but supposedly I tried to moderate and just kept repeating, "Well, as for me, I see both sides." Someone tried to make queso at four in the morning, they miserably failed, then I blacked out and passed out.

I woke up in a bed with two people I didn't at first recognize. I still have the worst headache in the world. I really hope 2009 is classier than last night. I also hope I can eventually stomach the idea of food sometime soon.

Cheers.