50 Cent Fridays in GuantanaMontrose

Thanks to the combined efforts of the University Financial Aid Department and the Social Events Planning Committee, faculty, staff and students have a new place to cut loose on Friday nights. Formerly a diner owned by and named for a drag queen, the establishment has been remodeled and rebranded and is now the latest in a string of happening hot spots to open up in the neighborhood adjacent to the campus. Bayou City knows how to draw a crowd of thirsty folks who maybe don't have as much money to spend as they might like because of this economy...they offer well drinks on Friday nights for the amazingly low price of just 50 cents. As a self-appointed scout dedicated to finding all the best drink specials and fun places to party, I spent last Friday evening at Bayou City and discovered that it was a pretty good time, so I sent out the following missive to some of my fellow professors yesterday afternoon and the word spread from there:

"Fifty cent wells at Bayou City tonight...good idea or bad idea that we'll do anyway?"

I arrived early with Carl and we staked out a suitable area right next to the bar on the patio. Prof. Tim soon joined us and shortly thereafter a contingent of other professors and top graduate students arrived, already full of blue margs from El Patio. As more and more members of the UGMo community arrived, we rapidly took over a large portion of the patio and sometimes the dance floor inside as well.

Over the course of the night, the following things may have occurred:

1. Dean J.Toy tumbled off the stage where she had been dancing. She may have been pushed by Kathleen, a student who is rumoured to be pissed that the Dean wouldn't let her write a thesis about the effects of drinking 4 blue margs and/or Texas Teas in one night. The investigation is still pending.

2. A student who shall remain nameless danced on the bar with a fellow patron.

3. Carl referred to pretty much everyone as either Flapjack or Captain K'nuckles. They are adventurers.

4. I was forced to make many visits to the handicapped stall in the men's restroom.

5. Chancellor Steven invited people to post-party at his ToHo/his neighbor's ToHo. I arrived too late with Carl and Tour Guide Ray, after stopping at CVS and failing to be able to access cheap wine as it was almost 3am. The party was mostly over, so we left and brought with us the Visiting Professor of Europedancepop, who seemed to be in need of rescuing from some unknown fate that had her running around the ToHo sans pants.

6. There were many twinks and skanks present, so if anyone is in the market for a new twink slave or a skank...who is a skank...then this would be a good place to look.

7. Uhhh...probably a lot more things also took place but consuming a dozen or so 50-cent vodka tonics does not exactly lead to a good memory of the previous night's events. I invite others to add their recollections to the comments.

The Deans of LULZtography and Drama Llama Studies were sadly missing in action during this whirlwind of chaos and cheap shitty liquor. They will have to experience 50 Cent Friday another time. Or not.

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

Shenanigans 350: A Slight Concern

As Summer Session B continues on in all its glory, the course Shenanigans 350 seems to be getting high honors at regional debates and competitions. This letter should serve as formal acknowledgement, support, praise and validation for all the faculty members and students involved in the Division of Shenanigans, the specific course Shenanigans 350, and all the necessary research projects and grants involved in the formers' execution.

It seems that between the Bringer of Lulz and myself, Tour Guide Ray, this course has received more grant money than any other department, COMBINED! I'm not quite sure from where these funds are coming (perhaps we applied and received a Fullbright and then forgot about it?), but they are copious and some how seem to launder only to JR's and Guava.

Secondly, I would like to congratulate this course for its vivacious and tenacious dedication to Gay Pride. Not only did the UniG Division of Shenanigans have a faculty member in the parade itself (on a float for what exactly, I'm still unsure?), but two of UniG's most distinguished faculty members, along with two visiting professors, sat on the board of the parade along with Toddicus, some rando, and Roula and Ryan from the 104 KRBE Morning Show! Along with announcing the passing floats, the board members also crawled under "local celebrities" chairs to grab beads, frisbees and t-shirts. These dedicated faculty members get highest honors for their work, and I am sure that their chosen charities will profit greatly from the donations collected at the Parade.

Third, I would like to congratulate myself for not stealing the Chancellor's car last night like I did approximately one annum ago. It took perseverance and self-discipline, but I managed to drive away from the Toho's Trendy, Indie, Hipster Party in my own vehicle.

However, despite all of this great news, a wonderful takeout adventure at Chapultepec, a stop on Club Bridge, and a pleasurable night in the pedestrian friendly Guantanamontrose, I do have one slight concern. I am not sure how the events of last night panned out after 3:44 am when I left the SoMoToHo. I am somewhat concern, for when I left the state of things seemed very dire indeed. Sassy was very upset, and he expressed major concern to me; unfortunately, I had an important appointment with the Dean of Drunk Driving and had to depart before properly consoling him. So, let this serve as the official press release for the SoMoToHoTsunamarama. If any of the inhabits of the ToHo were left standing after the deluge of beer and fatats (faux tats, fake tattoos), please contact the Office of the President to let the university know your whereabouts and current state of being.

Thank you all and keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Tour Guide Ray 

P.S. Hotel ZaZa will be offering discounted rooms to memebers of the University during the renovation and restoration of a livable SoMoToHo. Rooms have been reduced from "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" to "When you think about it, that's only 3 bottles of Grey Goose at the Roxy."

Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

Decisions II: Decisions Harder

While all UGMo faculty and staff members tend to have their moments that lend themselves to discussion for Decisions 101: Good vs. Bad, Yours vs. Others', I think Tour Guide Ray and I may take the cake because our episodes tend to happen simultaneously or in quick succession (see his post just prior to this one and recall the events of January 2-4 for examples). We also tend to be more self-critical in the aftermath of these events, which shows our in depth understanding of the concept.

That said, I shall begin my lecture on the decisions involved in my life last night...

Good decision: Accept invitation to join your neighbors (an older couple of gay men) for a drink later when one of them strikes up a conversation with you by your car as you are leaving for the store.

Good decision: Present yourself as charming and interesting and wonderful so that your neighbors really like you and wish to become friends immediately.

Could be good, could be bad decision: Consume a large portion of the 3 liters of White Zinfandel on hand and become rather intoxicated (though you've certainly been much drunker before).

Bad decision: After the older, more conservative one of the pair goes to bed because he has work in the morning, stay and continue to drink with the other one, who initially invited you over. This in itself is not really a bad decision, but the red flags should rise when your companion tells you that he's not gay, he's actually bisexual and that he thinks you're really beautiful...

Bad decision: Drunkenly allow yourself to consider this an okay situation and therefore allow the drunk bi man (whose boyfriend of almost 5 years is in the next room) to kiss you. He says the boyfriend doesn't mind, but how can you really know if that's true?

Bad decision: Allow the kissing to escalate to srs bzns making out.

Good decision (Hey, how'd that sneak in there? That wine must be wearing off or something!): Finally put an end to this situation by stating that you are really tired (it is after 4am by this point so this is legit and not just an excuse) and make an escape to your own place.

Not really a decision at all: Have 8 months left on your lease so you'll likely be seeing these neighbors again soon and frequently.

I'm pretty sure we invented this but forgot.

Just keep clicking the button.