Field Work

This weekend, a few of UniG's most distinguished faculty decided to do some hands on research in our best fields, most notably: drinking, lulzing, clubbing, and pretend to still be 20. This past weekend several of us made the trip to Austin, managing to take as many different cars as possible. The trip was equally both a success and a failure on about every level, depending on how you want to look it. I know that doesn't even make sense, but neither does the weekend; so by some twist of the Confucian balance, it must even out. I'm still unsure as to what actually happened, both to others and myself, but I figure the comments section of this blog shall serve as some sort of group consciousness/formal record.

In the spirit of the trip, I have outline a few imperatives for any future Austin course syllabus.

Things to do:

1. Have a plan.

2. Use the HOV lane.

3. Buy tubes before getting to New Braunfels.

4. Try and have someone to stay with before you arrive, and also make sure they have a key to their place.

5. Buy lots of alcohol on the drive up just incase the person you are staying with loses their key and you have to wait in the hall for 3 hours until their roommate comes home.

6. Do not drink the water. And do not pay for anything at Whole Foods.

7. Do not let anyone videotape you unless it is a news channel and you are Jtoy and Kathleen on 6th Street.

8. Go to Qua and Rain (and maybe Malaia.) Then anywhere else you can find before all the bars close at 2.

9. Eat at the newly opened downtown El Chile on Congress because they give you two free margaritas since they don't have a liquor license yet.

10. Do not already be drunk when you arrive at El Chile after getting off the river.

11. Sleep with as many people as possible.

All of this happened to the group collectively, other than number 1 of course. However, on our next trip, I propose that each of us make sure that we follow all 11 rigorously.

A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:


Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.


Fig. 2: Car keys.


Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

Studying Abroad

In addition to Dean Jtoy's list of courses for this coming quarter, I'd also like to propose a Study Abroad option. This idea came upon me when one of UG's prized students sent me this instant message from Sevilla a few minutes ago:

"haha. so i just fucked a guy and he's sitting right here. but he's spanish, so he has no idea what i'm writing!! haha!
gotta go now. just wanted to tell someone. love ya mucho mucho mucho!!!!!!"

Not only does this comment prove that someone has already begun her work on the catalogue of courses listed by Dean Jtoy, but it also demonstrates the dire need for us all to go to Spain (or anywhere but here) and get laid. In the wish of finding our own "Spring Awakening," I would like to list the possible study abroad options that lay before us. We may not all be able to go to Cabo for Spring Break with everyone and their mother in a sombrero, but we can at least find a way to go on vacation indefinitely while our parents or schools pay for it. On that note, here are some of the possibilities I am pleased to announce are available for students and faculty at the University of Guantanamontrose.

1. Shrooming in Hermann Park with friends visiting from Austin.
2. Cruising at the Bark Park with Professor Tim.
3. Getting black out and fucking in a pick-up truck bed with commentary by Mal via webcam.
4. Tubing down Buffalo Bayou with the Bringer of Lulz.
5. Living vicariously through Tour Guide Ray and Chancellor Steven's european and Thailand facebook albums.
6. Exploring the room of bathtubs through the midget door at Notsuoh's with Avsters.
7. Visiting Adam and Patrick in Austin for SXSW.
8. Stealing a plane and flying to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Oh wait, too late...
9. Stealing a plane and flying to Duke to visit Jtoy.
10. Hijacking one of those rockets on display at NASA and flying on it to the moon. Or maybe just Seville...
11. Selling Sasquatch (or the pink, sparkled, assless chaps Justin stole from me because he's clearly sexually frustrated and in the closet) and using the money to visit Evelyn B in Amsterdammy.
12. Yarwell and yarwell.

Applications are due by March 31st (a special someone's birthday;) so start your essays!

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?

Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.

Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:

1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!

None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:

1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
   

   • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
   • conti and bourbon where r u
   • what streets are u at tell me
   • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
   • TEXT MESSAGING USE IT
   • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
   • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
   • where the rich are u
   • I’m about to take a cab
   • outside??
   • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
   • idk jester pizza

4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
   
9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
   
10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
12. drinking king cobra on public transit
    
13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
14. aggressively ribbon dancing
15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
    
20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

Garden of Eatin'

I spent the day today with Duke's chapter of ASCE (pretty much this but mostly girls) at a Canstruction Competition at Marbles Children's Museum in Raleigh. For those of you unfamiliar with Canstruction, here are some examples. I spent most of the time thinking about how much ray would hate it and how into it hallie would probably get, as well as wanting to kill everyone else there. Anyway the theme of the competition was "Garden of Eatin'"... i don't think anything else needs to be said about that. And our theme was "Upside down Underground," which consisted of a carrot, onion, and beet, built as if you were looking underground...upside down! And to top it off, we filled the entire 10x10 square with baked beans to look like dirt. It was so awful, and it ended up looking like a weird interpretation of Boston (beantown...featuring harvard, a red sox stadium, and a BCG skyscraper headquarters). At one point a giant bean tower fell over on top of me, which...was worth it for the comedic value I suppose.
So we finished up our thing and my friend Sam and I went to explore Raleigh a bit. Actually I just wanted a sandwich, but it ended up being a little more exploratory then planned. We ended up eating at Angelo's, and just as we sit down a man outside falls and has a seizure, and another man tries to help him but he starts batting him away. Angela (Angelo's daughter perhaps?) calls 911 or something, and at this point the seizure man is up and standing. He's cut his thumb a bit, but otherwise seems to be doing all right. To my surprise, a firetruck and ambulance show up literally within a minute to assist with the aftermath of this very dramatic seizure. Well the great part of this story is that Angela informs us that this same man had a seizure the week before at the bus station and some hooligans robbed him! Anyway, the whole situation just really brought out everyone's true colors. Angela kept coming over and proclaiming to the room "I mean, I was jus tryin to save him!" Me and Sam couldn't get over the fact that a man who had a seizure also had his belongings seized. And everyone else was pressed up against the window watching 6 paramedics work on a man with essentially only a bloody finger. This also brought up the concept of free healthcare (or rather... free ambulance rides and triage?) for the homeless, and I came up with my next, great, save-the-world idea: homeless people and parcour. If you are homeless and walkin around all day, it is time to change that walk into parcour. And who cares if you get injured- you have all the ambulances and EMS people you could want to help you. Plus, people will youtube you and you will possibly, maybe get some sort of income for your vagabond activities.

I think the day can be best summed up with a quote from episode 6 of My So-Called Life: "field trips are intense."

And just so y'all don't think my life has gone entirely down the toilet, I will say this about last night: First off, duke sort of has a nightclub similar to ACCESS, but it's actually in the form of the duke coffeehouse. At night they have dance parties sometimes and it's BYOB. I ended up there and at the pinhook for another fipster (fake hipster?) dance party. And i say dance party because not only were they both detailed as such, but also because I danced the entire time like a psycho. This includes dancing on stage and accessing microphone stands (sans microphones), eating someone's birthday cake with my FACE...before any pieces had been cut, and being driven home by a creepster (creepy fipster?).

someone please come visit me.