A Proposal for a (Slightly) Safe Summer

As each day brings us closer to having the complete Uni crew reunited, it has become apparent that the shitshow of Winter Term will soon become a distant memory. Summer Sessions A-D will undoubtedly be an even bigger mess, but also even more fun! However, as the University's official liasion to HPD, I have taken it upon myself to ensure that no one ends up dead or incarcerated because of a driving mishap. (Because there's no way everyone can be as lucky as I was...)

My proposal involves the following:


Fig. 1: The Easter Bunny.


Fig. 2: Car keys.


Fig. 3: Sasquatch.

Here's how it works:
1. The Easter Bunny hides eggs.
2. All UGMo members have car keys and should not access them after entering the ToHo, thus the keys should be hidden.
3. Sasquatch is also a bunny, he lives in the ToHo, he (usually) doesn't drink, and he's pretty good at hiding things, including himself.
Q.E.D. Sasquatch must hide all car keys to protect us.

Dean J. Toy and I briefly discussed the importance of hiding keys and we decided that once the keys are hidden, we must all just access things by walking to them. Conveniently, Club Bridge is easily in walking distance and it has been rather neglected of late, so this is an ideal solution. Other access points in reasonable walking distance: CVS, Chapultapec, Hotel ZaZa, the MFAH and CAMH. Less reasonable destinations: The Cellar, Rich's, Yarwell and Yarwell.

Future Uni G Campus Party

So after 5 nights of ridiculousness that rival winter recess, I finally forced myself to take a nap today. It took me hours to fall asleep despite the fact that i was ridiculously sleepy because i think may have actual health problems related to my leisure activities. In the dream (trippiest dream of my life. also included me watching a "live feed" of myself.) there was a surprise UGMo block party that hallie had thrown us, and I will now describe what we need to do in order to access that in real life.

1. Make a 20ft x 100ft billboard kite that has freeway exits and street signs that relate to montrose.
2. Attach it to a spool of string that stands 4 feet tall so that it will go high enough for the whole city to see.
3. Throw the giant spool in the air and down the street to surprise everyone and get the party started.
4. Have piggyback ride races where people bend down. so really it's like a horse race kind of thing, except you are latched onto the person's back.
   
5. Get multiple versions of this kind of thing with weird indescribable creatures instead of dragons.
6. Baby pools. everywhere. most likely filled with vodka.
   
7. Get shutdown by apartment complex property managers.

I wish I remembered more, but this certainly seems like a good start. End of term party planning committee unite!

Final Review

As the optional inaugural Winter Term of UniGuantanaMontrose draws to a close, I thought it appropriate that we have a little review session before the final exam. Use these study questions to help prepare yourself for the test, which will be taking place on Friday, January 23, 2009.

1. Approximately how much time must pass after a group of gay men enters a hot tub before one of them gets naked and encourages the rest to do the same? Discuss the results of this action.

2. Describe the appropriate way to behave in the following situations: 

a. When at RICH'S to see LA's celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson.

b. When at Chapultapec and want to be served alcohol after 2am.

c. When you've had too much to drink and want to leave the party.

3. Choose three of these UGMo hangouts to compare and contrast: Poison Girl, Ernie's, Club Bridge, Boondocks, The Cellar, Guava Lamp, Boheme.

4. Write a sentence or two to explain the importance of each of these people (or groups):

a. Adam

b. Mel

c. Peter Marks

d. Bill

e. The Cops

f. Hipsters

g. The bartender from The Cellar

h. The girl from Kenya

i. SHSGs

j. The bartender from JR's

5. Create a hypothesis regarding how many nights in a row it is possible for a group of 20-somethings to get completely wasted, stay up til 3-4-5-6-7am, hook up with randoms, get cars and other property lost/stolen/towed/wrecked, eat gallons of queso, write about it all on a blog, and somehow still avoid death.

Good luck, students! I hope you have a successful end of the term and are ready to start fresh in the Spring 2009 semester.