We Can't Afford Models for Our Ad Campaigns

unfortunately this photo only features 3 uni G faculty members (well 2 faculty, 1 staff), but it does have some of our best students, and I believe should perhaps be used in future advertising campaigns. or at least in the course catalog for "trashy 101: how to make sure ur doin it ironically."

50 Cent Fridays in GuantanaMontrose

Thanks to the combined efforts of the University Financial Aid Department and the Social Events Planning Committee, faculty, staff and students have a new place to cut loose on Friday nights. Formerly a diner owned by and named for a drag queen, the establishment has been remodeled and rebranded and is now the latest in a string of happening hot spots to open up in the neighborhood adjacent to the campus. Bayou City knows how to draw a crowd of thirsty folks who maybe don't have as much money to spend as they might like because of this economy...they offer well drinks on Friday nights for the amazingly low price of just 50 cents. As a self-appointed scout dedicated to finding all the best drink specials and fun places to party, I spent last Friday evening at Bayou City and discovered that it was a pretty good time, so I sent out the following missive to some of my fellow professors yesterday afternoon and the word spread from there:

"Fifty cent wells at Bayou City tonight...good idea or bad idea that we'll do anyway?"

I arrived early with Carl and we staked out a suitable area right next to the bar on the patio. Prof. Tim soon joined us and shortly thereafter a contingent of other professors and top graduate students arrived, already full of blue margs from El Patio. As more and more members of the UGMo community arrived, we rapidly took over a large portion of the patio and sometimes the dance floor inside as well.

Over the course of the night, the following things may have occurred:

1. Dean J.Toy tumbled off the stage where she had been dancing. She may have been pushed by Kathleen, a student who is rumoured to be pissed that the Dean wouldn't let her write a thesis about the effects of drinking 4 blue margs and/or Texas Teas in one night. The investigation is still pending.

2. A student who shall remain nameless danced on the bar with a fellow patron.

3. Carl referred to pretty much everyone as either Flapjack or Captain K'nuckles. They are adventurers.

4. I was forced to make many visits to the handicapped stall in the men's restroom.

5. Chancellor Steven invited people to post-party at his ToHo/his neighbor's ToHo. I arrived too late with Carl and Tour Guide Ray, after stopping at CVS and failing to be able to access cheap wine as it was almost 3am. The party was mostly over, so we left and brought with us the Visiting Professor of Europedancepop, who seemed to be in need of rescuing from some unknown fate that had her running around the ToHo sans pants.

6. There were many twinks and skanks present, so if anyone is in the market for a new twink slave or a skank...who is a skank...then this would be a good place to look.

7. Uhhh...probably a lot more things also took place but consuming a dozen or so 50-cent vodka tonics does not exactly lead to a good memory of the previous night's events. I invite others to add their recollections to the comments.

The Deans of LULZtography and Drama Llama Studies were sadly missing in action during this whirlwind of chaos and cheap shitty liquor. They will have to experience 50 Cent Friday another time. Or not.

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

The Reverseaverse Lives On

Some more Reverseaverse:

Monorail Jtoy meets:

Monorail Kendra (Girls Next Door).

Also:

-And-

Amy Winehouse... or Mal/me on a bad day?

Physical Education Department

This semester, when I showed up to my favorite bowling class (yes, Reed requires PE, and yes, I chose bowling) the instructor handed me a notice that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes would no longer be permitted. Though I need this credit to graduate come May, I did not hesitate in my violent protest. Clearly, this was a violation of the very fundamentals of the "sport" and/or "activity" that is bowling. I mean, I chose this PE specifically knowing it was the only one available during which participants could actually GAIN weight. Much to my dismay, however, my cries were unheeded, and the rules remained.

In response to this travesty, I will voice my frustrations here and propose a various list of "sports" or "physical activities" that, though unavailable here, would certainly be tolerated at UG.

1. Catching Chocolate Chips in One's Mouth: MTuTh. Though participates do consume calories, the amount of physical exertion necessary for proper catching far out weights the miniscule trans fat of one chocolate chip. Mini-chocolate chips will also be avaliable.
2. Walking to and from bars, as oppose to driving. MTuWThFSaSu. Quite the obvious solution. Walking home might even count as a double PE credit, since  balancing on flat ground for a drunk probably equals that of a 13 year-old gymnast on a balance beam. Incidentally, I am the only UG faculty member to have exercised (pun) this option over winter break. Unfortunately, the circumstances under which this endeavor occurred are probably not the most agreeable, seeing as slapping one's boyfriend and running out of a karaoke bar probably are not common occurrences among UG campus members. Then again...
3. Cigarette Breaks. MTuWThFSaSu. Once again, this may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. In most situations, other than Club Bridge and the SoMoToHo, the outside of a venue usually requires significant movement and walking. Think of South Beach... Additionally, the physical movement of one's arm certainly must be working some muscle? Finally, all the French smoke, and they have the longest life expectancy in the world...
4. Shaken, Not Stirred. ThFSa. Using a shaker not only requires much larger physical movement than simply stirring a drink, but the dish washing necessary afterwards also burns cals. Not to mention, if I know UG campus members, using a shaker will probably lead to some sort of disaster involving spillage, in which case mopping and other sanitation activities would also require physical exertion.
5. Body Shots w/ Prof. Tim. MTuW. But only on air hockey tables. This also will have a conference portion for discussing who actually is exerting more effort out of the shot-er and shot-e.
6. Karaoke. WFSu. All songs must be hip-hop and a performance of both singing AND dancing is expected.
7. Grinding. Always.
8. ADVANCED: Learning the Dance to Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies." SSu. My personal favorite! This actually might cause a heart attack for most of us, but for those select few, the rewards are both obvious and boundless. For inspiration and demonstration click here.

Bad Things Happen to Not So Good People

Last night was a very careful dance of evading another threesome. It also was a night of going out to a bar, getting trashed, and then coming back home and finishing off a whole new bottle of vodka before bed. Why, oh why, and when, oh when, did we all decide pre and post-parties are a necessary part of any night out? I woke up at 11am and realized I'd completely missed my flight and five calls from my family. Looks like I've also evaded a mandatory family trip.

I think it's about time for Uniguantanmontrose to start up for the semester because I am in serious need of edification in Hallie's "Good Decisions v. Bad Decisions 101." Looks like avoiding threesomes is a good decision, but getting wasted and missing flights is a bad one.

I don't know how this blog has devolved to my drunken antics, but I guess it was bound to happen?

Dirty Dancing

Someone find me these kids, I want to offer them scholarships to the University of GuantanaMontrose immediately. 

I think they way they handled the situation is hilarious, I appreciate that they are clearly straight but don't feel that their masculinity or heterosexuality is threatened at all by dancing with and touching each other, and we certainly do not discourage dirty dancing at ACCESS or anywhere else on campus. In fact, I'd say it's pretty much required. Forget football or swimming or lacrosse, grinding is the only activity officially supported by the UGMo Department of Physical Education. Well, the only one I'm allowed to discuss on this moderately work-safe blog, anyway...