We Can't Afford Models for Our Ad Campaigns

unfortunately this photo only features 3 uni G faculty members (well 2 faculty, 1 staff), but it does have some of our best students, and I believe should perhaps be used in future advertising campaigns. or at least in the course catalog for "trashy 101: how to make sure ur doin it ironically."

The Reverseaverse Lives On

Some more Reverseaverse:

Monorail Jtoy meets:

Monorail Kendra (Girls Next Door).

Also:

-And-

Amy Winehouse... or Mal/me on a bad day?

Reasons why EaDo maybe isn't that bad

EaDo* (East Downtown) isn't as bad as we think, although it is nowhere near as hip and gay as SoMo.

Reasons EaDo doesn't suck THAT hard:

1. Hipster parties
They're not that bad! Paul throws them with a bunch of hip hipsters in this big 'ole warehouse full of dark make-out corners. They might tell you to pay $5 for all-you-can-drink keg and bar, but the cover is really just a suggestion. I find it quite effective to slam down a crumpled one dollar bill, announce that it should cover all your friends, then make a mad dash to the pulsing— yes, pulsing— dance floor.

2. Ramesh from Voxtrot
Even though Ramesh thinks I'm totally crazy and in love with his guitarist Mitch, I still like seeing him every now and then and shouting maniacally, "RAMESH! RAMESH! You played at my friend's birthday party and you lived next door to Sparker and oh my god we're hanging out again. I'm like a celebrity, Ramesh!" He loves hearing stuff like that. Anyway, yeah, when Ramesh or any of the Voxtrotters are in Houston, they go to EaDo and play crazy after parties.

Last March's Voxtrot after party featured torches. How romantic and tribal and hip!

Then I climbed up onto this weird tractor thing with an indie guy in a funny hat! Look how happy I was! I haven't been that happy since, like, Ray was in town.

3. Drugs
Now I don't know about this one for sure, but when I was wasted and making out with some fixster (that's a fixed gear hipster, obvi) I think I witnessed a pot deal take place in a parking lot. EaDo is so dangerous that chances are you could find a dead body on the corner and just take the pot right out of the corpse's pockets and be on your merry way. Did you hear that? FREE POT!

4. Train hoppers
The last time I was in EaDo for that warehouse party I vaguely remember stumbling over some train tracks. Train tracks mean trains. And trains mean train hoppers!

(OMG, cute! According to the comments on the flickr account, his name is Poïo. Everywhere they went all he wanted to do was "watch America's Funniest Home Videos and go on 'dark missions.'" He sounds great!)

Train hopper guys also are pretty cool because you don't have to worry about them not calling you since they don't believe in phones and definitely don't have computers. Instead, they contact you through indie things like messenger pigeons and postcards from jail.

5. Dancing hipsters... and DANCING BEARS
If you don't like hipsters, then you probably like dancing. If you don't like dancing, then you probably like hipsters. And everyone likes dancing bears. Jacob Calle, (pictured below in yellow hoodie) has a bear costume and frequently wears it and dances around. He received media attention as the Hurricane Ike Bear.

Here is my cousin E-Patt (with raised arm) enjoying an EaDo party with Jacob. They're pretty fucking hip and do not go to parties with high school kids, just smelly fixster guys with skinny jeans and attitudes. If you still worry that the EaDo guys are in high school, rest assured that I ran background checks on the last six IDs I stole from Paul's party. Yeah, they had felonies, but they def weren't in high school. They dropped out of that shit years ago.

*For the argument's sake, I have included the perhaps too far north warehouse district in EaDo. Deal with it.

Dirty Dancing

Someone find me these kids, I want to offer them scholarships to the University of GuantanaMontrose immediately. 

I think they way they handled the situation is hilarious, I appreciate that they are clearly straight but don't feel that their masculinity or heterosexuality is threatened at all by dancing with and touching each other, and we certainly do not discourage dirty dancing at ACCESS or anywhere else on campus. In fact, I'd say it's pretty much required. Forget football or swimming or lacrosse, grinding is the only activity officially supported by the UGMo Department of Physical Education. Well, the only one I'm allowed to discuss on this moderately work-safe blog, anyway...

University of Guantanamontrose Department of Public Safety announcement

This is a reminder to both faculty and students that unless properly qualified in the fields of animal husbandry and training, dancing bears are not to be kept as pets. With the increased popularity of dancing bears as pets of the rich and famous, the desire to own one yourself is understandable. However, without the knowledge needed to correctly condition such an animal, the results can be disastrous. The university has already had one such accident, the New Years Eve mauling of guest lecturer Peter.

Visiting the university to provide a three part lecture on the subject of “Fail at life,” Peter was fortunate to have escaped with only minor abrasions and puncture wounds to his neck. He was recovered enough in a week to be prowling Prof. Rosenberg’s party for drunk, desperate women, but the next victim of a dancing bear attack may not be so lucky. We cannot reiterate this point enough; unless your are trained in the required areas of expertise, you should not have a dancing bear as a pet.

A graphic reminder of what can happen from an improperly trained dancing bear

Fuck Dubai

I hate Dubai. It is the most disgusting place on Earth. Any city that submits to a culture that oppresses women, gays, poor people and simultaneously harbors terrorist capital should not be making a living on the most ornate and ostentatious development of sin and pleasure since Las Vegas. Where on Earth is all their money coming from? I know it's not oil (only 6% of GDP according to Wiki;) so clearly, it's from terrorists. Am I the only one who sees this? They're sucking Westerners in to gamble, drink, and fuck prostitutes; then they allow and even support organizations that later will fly jet liners into our office buildings. 

Why the fuck do you need to go to Dubai? To see a flat desert that's been drained of oil? To shop at the biggest Prada store in the world? To go fucking skiing?! I do not get it. Dubai sucks!!! I'm so angry right now!!!

GRRRRRR!!!

done.

I was tagging various labels to this post when I realized that maybe Dubai isn't so bad... I mean, I basically can tag any label to this post because Dubai is so fucking redic. that it works. Ugh. I lose...

*UA*

This is the University of Alberta's Coat of Arms. I think it looks honestly fun, and I love dancing bears. Still, I think that University of Guantanamontrose's programs offer something beyond a bed of flowers (and beyond our current two slices of bacon). Also, UA is located in Edmonton - the northernmost city in North America with a population over one million. Uni GuanTrose is clearly either located in a tropical or online climate. Also, UA aims to become one of the top 20 universities worldwide within the next century. Uni GuanTrose is rulzy and doesn't bother with that, although they do have a study abroad option in Oslo.

In conclusion, this is really funny.