The New Amtrak

skippin class,
with a shot glass,
nothin more,
glamourous



lisa d, on the scene.
and yes, that's that crazy bitch lisa from ANTM cycle 5

Breaking News: Montrose Documentary Tonight on PBS

Tune in at 9pm to see what they have to say about our wonderful home! Write up a brief summary to receive extra credit that will help make up for that test you missed that morning when you had a killer hangover.

“Don’t forget the toothbeef!”

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the LULZ, Part 1

This is the first post in a series of many to come in which I shall discuss my extensive love of teh Internets. Today's lesson will be brief, but is a perfect example of the brilliance that can exist on the intarwebz.

So a few days ago, Dean J. Toy presented a video about Dentistry. If you forgot or never watched it the first time, it can be found here. Then today, this video about kittens has been spreading all around the tubes. And then, as is the natural way of things, someone combined the two into this. So good.

Physical Education Department

This semester, when I showed up to my favorite bowling class (yes, Reed requires PE, and yes, I chose bowling) the instructor handed me a notice that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes would no longer be permitted. Though I need this credit to graduate come May, I did not hesitate in my violent protest. Clearly, this was a violation of the very fundamentals of the "sport" and/or "activity" that is bowling. I mean, I chose this PE specifically knowing it was the only one available during which participants could actually GAIN weight. Much to my dismay, however, my cries were unheeded, and the rules remained.

In response to this travesty, I will voice my frustrations here and propose a various list of "sports" or "physical activities" that, though unavailable here, would certainly be tolerated at UG.

1. Catching Chocolate Chips in One's Mouth: MTuTh. Though participates do consume calories, the amount of physical exertion necessary for proper catching far out weights the miniscule trans fat of one chocolate chip. Mini-chocolate chips will also be avaliable.
2. Walking to and from bars, as oppose to driving. MTuWThFSaSu. Quite the obvious solution. Walking home might even count as a double PE credit, since  balancing on flat ground for a drunk probably equals that of a 13 year-old gymnast on a balance beam. Incidentally, I am the only UG faculty member to have exercised (pun) this option over winter break. Unfortunately, the circumstances under which this endeavor occurred are probably not the most agreeable, seeing as slapping one's boyfriend and running out of a karaoke bar probably are not common occurrences among UG campus members. Then again...
3. Cigarette Breaks. MTuWThFSaSu. Once again, this may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. In most situations, other than Club Bridge and the SoMoToHo, the outside of a venue usually requires significant movement and walking. Think of South Beach... Additionally, the physical movement of one's arm certainly must be working some muscle? Finally, all the French smoke, and they have the longest life expectancy in the world...
4. Shaken, Not Stirred. ThFSa. Using a shaker not only requires much larger physical movement than simply stirring a drink, but the dish washing necessary afterwards also burns cals. Not to mention, if I know UG campus members, using a shaker will probably lead to some sort of disaster involving spillage, in which case mopping and other sanitation activities would also require physical exertion.
5. Body Shots w/ Prof. Tim. MTuW. But only on air hockey tables. This also will have a conference portion for discussing who actually is exerting more effort out of the shot-er and shot-e.
6. Karaoke. WFSu. All songs must be hip-hop and a performance of both singing AND dancing is expected.
7. Grinding. Always.
8. ADVANCED: Learning the Dance to Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies." SSu. My personal favorite! This actually might cause a heart attack for most of us, but for those select few, the rewards are both obvious and boundless. For inspiration and demonstration click here.

Dirty Dancing

Someone find me these kids, I want to offer them scholarships to the University of GuantanaMontrose immediately. 

I think they way they handled the situation is hilarious, I appreciate that they are clearly straight but don't feel that their masculinity or heterosexuality is threatened at all by dancing with and touching each other, and we certainly do not discourage dirty dancing at ACCESS or anywhere else on campus. In fact, I'd say it's pretty much required. Forget football or swimming or lacrosse, grinding is the only activity officially supported by the UGMo Department of Physical Education. Well, the only one I'm allowed to discuss on this moderately work-safe blog, anyway...