Guaranteed Admission to UGMo

As the Fall Semester begins, I know many high school seniors are beginning to prepare their applications for admission to the esteemed University of GuantanaMontrose for next year. I just wanted to provide a quick tip for those who aspire to join our wonderful academic society: Be sure to include evidence of ways in which you embody the spirit and ideals upon which UniG was founded. Here is an example of some precocious young girls who were already hoping to be accepted way back in 2002 before our university was even created:

These girls exhibit their extreme love of queso, which is one of the important criteria for being accepted to UGMo.

Please be sure to complete your applications and submit them for review by the Chancellor and Deans no later than December 15th, 2009. After that date, the entire UniG faculty and staff will be too wasted to know what an application even is. Thank you.

Faculty (and lowly staff) Gone Wild

In an attempt to catalog the events of last night, I would like to invite everyone- faculty, staff, students, and prospective students- to comment with some of their favorite memories from the event. The intersection of Yarwell and Yarwell was in top form, and I would like to congratulate everyone for making our send-off for visiting-professor Crazy Ol' Pete a success. No less than 2 liters of queso were accessed (lapped up) off a counter, an epic jtoy-jbogart nipple battle took place, two more j's reminded everyone how to properly conduct one's self in the hot tub, mariah carey performed, mascots princess madeleine and jackson might have made a baby, and maullory existed. As an aside, the department of health and safety would like to remind everyone to be aware of pool activities at all times, as beloved faculty members may or may not be being dunked repeatedly and nearly drowned by maullory. They would also like to recommend that everyone use more body control in the future, as excessive grinding may leave many faculty members questioning their sexuality at the end of the night, as well as cause more bashful students to feel alienated. In sum, I hope to speak to all of you in a few days. After you've finished drying out your phone in that bag of rice.

Department of Intercourses

With spring break fast approaching, it is time for students to begin thinking about next quarter's courses. Many of you have not yet fulfilled your erotic elective requirements, so I have highlighted below some of the upcoming classes we have available in the department.

Swordfighting 101: As the obvious primary sex act for gay men, this class is crucial for all homosexual males and straight girls. The lab component of the course involves learning accurate methods for measuring and predicting penile angles. Lectures will cover the debate over whether an ideal partner has a complementary or complimentary angle.

Scissoring 101: Scissoring will be taught in an analogous manner, although the lab component will be more advanced as the measured angles can exist in multiple dimensions. Discussions will involve benefits of supplementary and complimentary angled partners, as well as reasons behind the perception of scissoring as a popular lesbian activity.

Daisy Chains 101: At Uni GuantanMontrose, we recognize the importance of pleasing the group. This has been made evident through the purchasing and dispersion of taco c queso on a regular basis, road trips to jersey village to procure weed for the group, and multiple instances of group sex at the intersection Yarwell and Yarwell. This course will teach basic ways to form these chains, and exams will measure students' ability to use logic and reasoning skills when forming the layout and gender makeup of a chain.

Daisy Chains 201: According to wikipedia, "some sources consider only groups of five or more people to be a daisy chain." Taught by the bringer of lulz, this graduate level class will explore chains of this magnitude, and the lab component will focus on perfecting daisy chains that form shapes. In the future, this class may be cross-listed with the department of art if the instructor or students feel strongly that the shapes be offensive in form.

Eiffel Tower 101: One of our more conservative classes, but a great choice for those who need to learn the basics. Students must be able to attend weekend field trips to Paris as well as Las Vegas.

Materials necessary for the classes listed above include protractors, slide rules, and compasses. Tequila, air hockey tables, and hot tubs are optional, but strongly recommended. Special thanks to Hallie, for her valuable contributions to syllabi of these courses.

EPIC hipster FAIL

Srzly; I just threw up in my mouth a little lot.

Final Review

As the optional inaugural Winter Term of UniGuantanaMontrose draws to a close, I thought it appropriate that we have a little review session before the final exam. Use these study questions to help prepare yourself for the test, which will be taking place on Friday, January 23, 2009.

1. Approximately how much time must pass after a group of gay men enters a hot tub before one of them gets naked and encourages the rest to do the same? Discuss the results of this action.

2. Describe the appropriate way to behave in the following situations: 

a. When at RICH'S to see LA's celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson.

b. When at Chapultapec and want to be served alcohol after 2am.

c. When you've had too much to drink and want to leave the party.

3. Choose three of these UGMo hangouts to compare and contrast: Poison Girl, Ernie's, Club Bridge, Boondocks, The Cellar, Guava Lamp, Boheme.

4. Write a sentence or two to explain the importance of each of these people (or groups):

a. Adam

b. Mel

c. Peter Marks

d. Bill

e. The Cops

f. Hipsters

g. The bartender from The Cellar

h. The girl from Kenya

i. SHSGs

j. The bartender from JR's

5. Create a hypothesis regarding how many nights in a row it is possible for a group of 20-somethings to get completely wasted, stay up til 3-4-5-6-7am, hook up with randoms, get cars and other property lost/stolen/towed/wrecked, eat gallons of queso, write about it all on a blog, and somehow still avoid death.

Good luck, students! I hope you have a successful end of the term and are ready to start fresh in the Spring 2009 semester. 

A Note Concerning Last Night by Visiting Professor Mal

So here's a new thing I learned. If you tell a girl that you're sterile, she'll totally fuck you without a condom. Now, I couldn't help but wonder about two things. One, how the fuck does someone even find that out about themselves? And two, how drunk does the girl have to be to believe such a line? I now know the answer to this second quandry. And the answer is "as drunk as I was last night". Lish.

-M

Bad Things Happen to Not So Good People

Last night was a very careful dance of evading another threesome. It also was a night of going out to a bar, getting trashed, and then coming back home and finishing off a whole new bottle of vodka before bed. Why, oh why, and when, oh when, did we all decide pre and post-parties are a necessary part of any night out? I woke up at 11am and realized I'd completely missed my flight and five calls from my family. Looks like I've also evaded a mandatory family trip.

I think it's about time for Uniguantanmontrose to start up for the semester because I am in serious need of edification in Hallie's "Good Decisions v. Bad Decisions 101." Looks like avoiding threesomes is a good decision, but getting wasted and missing flights is a bad one.

I don't know how this blog has devolved to my drunken antics, but I guess it was bound to happen?