Alert: Don the Cat Judger's Cousin Frequents Poison Girl

Although she is not in Don's immediate family, this girl (we do not know her name unfortunately...or do we?) is still somewhat of a threat to the world of normal conversation. Be vigilante as she might approach you or your friends and attempt to "sell" you to one of her friends. She may also frequently bring up the fact that her "sale" did not work. If caught in the situation there are three steps you must take.

1. Engage her, but continue to talk about her as she stands right next to you, as she will not be aware of any of this.
2. Bring up the subject of drinks (she will offer to buy you some, and this will get you at least 10 minutes of peace to talk more in-depth about how drunk and ridiculous she is)
3. Do not worry about continuing a conversation with her, simply nod your head periodically as you make conversation with your friends and she makes conversation with herself.

As a side note, any successful attempts at trapping this girl underneath the cabbage patch kid statue will result in a semesters-worth scholarship and credit for the class "Bouncing 101: How to get rid of bar peripherals."

Kittens Girl is a Historian

Concerning Technical Support & Stolen Office Supplies

Anyone who grew up in the late 90s (so wild!) and was therefore schooled in keyboarding in middle school may recall a certain friendly character from the computer programming arena: the Microsoft Word paperclip, nicknamed Clippit, or Clippy, included in Office 97-2003. As if middle school were not enjoyable enough, you had to have this awful animated asshole all up on your piece while you're trying to type semicolons without looking at the keyboard and fighting off uncontrollable erections and worrying about fucking up your bar mitzvah as some bitch sitting next to you won't stop humming Chumbawumba and UGH I hated that paperclip.

This sort of makes it a lot better, though:
We were unsure where Clippy had disappeared off to after 2003 (the IT guy suggested India, while the Uni registrar remembered hearing something about a bookbinding shop in Montreal), but it seems that Clippy went across the pond. Here we have a British guy wearing a paperclip costume and annoying randoms all over the city. Cheers to you, Clippy.

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

*UA*

This is the University of Alberta's Coat of Arms. I think it looks honestly fun, and I love dancing bears. Still, I think that University of Guantanamontrose's programs offer something beyond a bed of flowers (and beyond our current two slices of bacon). Also, UA is located in Edmonton - the northernmost city in North America with a population over one million. Uni GuanTrose is clearly either located in a tropical or online climate. Also, UA aims to become one of the top 20 universities worldwide within the next century. Uni GuanTrose is rulzy and doesn't bother with that, although they do have a study abroad option in Oslo.

In conclusion, this is really funny.