From 50 Cent Fridays to $250 Saturdays...

In the Fall, I will be leading a graduate-level seminar course entitled The Shitshow and Other Bad Nights: Advanced Techniques in Being an Epic Trainwreck and I did an extreme amount of hands-on research last night to prepare for what I hope to be really enlightening discussions with some of the University's top graduate students. I'm sure everyone can recall my extensive series about good decisions and bad decisions...it's kind of been a while since I've had any good examples to bring forth, but all of that changed last night. Where do I even begin...?

While most of the UniG community was at a pool party at a satellite facility in OTB, I started my night at what I foolishly assumed would be a fairly lowkey house party designed to save us money because that way we could just spend a little on a handle and mixers instead of running up a tab at the bar. Things were going smoothly enough for a couple of hours but then the handle ran out and we clearly weren't done yet, though apparently we probably should have been. At this point, it is important for me to mention that I do not have ANY memory of the rest of this story until further notice and am only relating these details as they have been told to me...

• We went to Bayou City again. Parked in a spot apparently reserved for the gay store next to the bar, went into the store first, and then the bar.
  
• At some point, I was in contact with the Dean of LULZtography and his chauffeur but I was such a trainwreck already that I became unable to operate my phone and my person and thus received a slew of very angry voicemails.
  
• I also somehow fell on the floor and regained my phone abilities (sort of) to post the following to Twitter:
  
  

  Lola i fellell on there flood. Whooke type I'd meess. Theyafe me bit bot sit on the floor. Qhllte type of mess.

  
  
  For those who don't speak drunkanese, that roughly translates to Lolz I fell on the floor. Whole type of mess. The made me not sit on the floor. Whole type of mess. Apparently bar owners don't like people to sit/lay on the floor of their bars. But he also didn't mind that I stayed at the bar, telling my friends something to the effect of "It's my job to get people wasted, they just can't be on the floor."
  
• I may or may not have vomitted both in the bathroom and outside on the patio. The bartender may or may not have done coke under the bar and then made out with my friend.
  
• Upon exiting the bar, we found that my rental car had been towed. We managed to get a ride with some other people back to the house where our night had started out so (relatively) innocently just a few hours before.
  
• At some point, I decided to pass out for a while on the couch. When I woke up, a girl was sitting on the floor near me and upon seeing I was awake, introduced herself, "Hi, I'm the neighbor and it's almost 6am." This is the first thing I remember since like 11:30 or 12.

As I slowly regained consciousness and became aware of my surroundings, I saw that people were dancing and having a great time while I had been asleep. And there was a chocolate lab sniffing me. Also, one of the bartenders from Guava was there, not one I usally get drinks from, but I recognized him and he me, apparently. He was surprised and impresssed when I said I knew who he was because of the condition I was in but even if I didn't remember the entire night up to that point, I still have a good memory of things outside of when I'm really trashed. I was then informed of the car towing situation and I didn't even really know how to process that at the time, but found my phone in the couch and fired off text to Clay just before my phone lost it's last ounce of battery life. The neighbors left, we called to find out where the car was and then went to sleep around 6:30 in the morning.

I wake up who knows how many hours later and some CD is looping the same song over and over again but I can't manage to get up to deal with it so I just remain on the couch trying to figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually we go to the place to get the car and it's in such a sketchy weird area and we had to wait for the LONGEST train ever to go by and omg it was so awful just trying to get there. But we finally made it and talked to the lady through the little window and I had to go get the rental agreement from the car, but only one person is allowed to go in there where all the cars are, IDEK why, but that's the rule. So I wander in and I'm just like "WTF how am I supposed to find this car out here by myself?" Of course it was all the way in like the farthest area.

From there, the tale does not improve for the better. Absolutely not. The rental agreement is in my mom's name and it doesn't show my name on there anywhere as being an authorized driver of the car even though my mom asked them about that and they said it was fine. So they can't let me have the car. I tried to call the rental company to try to get them to fax something over. Of course the location where the car was from is not open on Sundays, so we tried the main office/corporate number and that was a whole mess of automated menus and whatnot. And for some godforsaken reason, this man was using a jackhammer next to me while I was trying to deal with the phone call and it was really rude. The phone call did not yield positive results and I still couldn't have the car back so we just left and went to the bar, which clearly was the best possible course of action.

Fast forward a bit, my parents get back from Austin and my mom wants to go to try and get the car again. Tow yards are open 24 hours and I suppose this is like the one nice thing about them, because everything else is shitty shitty shitty. We called to find out if they'll let us have the car now but there was another problem with the rental agreement saying I was supposed to return the car on Friday, so my mom and I have to get up and go to the rental place when they open at 7:30am to sort this all out. The cost to get your car back increases at midnight so since we can't get it til the morning, it goes up from $191 to $250...which is a shit ton of money I cannot afford to throw away but it's too late for that.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Required Summer Reading

I hope all students are thoroughly enjoying their Summer Session coursework and are learning a lot from their amazing professors. With about 6 weeks remaining until the Fall 2009 semester kicks off, I would like to introduce a book which I believe anyone and everyone associated with the University will find very thought-provoking and possibly life-changing. It is mandatory that anyone planning to partake in any future activities at UGMo will pick up this book at their local library or book store and take its infinite wisdom to heart.

The editorial review for Frank M. Beyerlin's Drink as Much as You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person's Guide to Healthy Drinking on Amazon reads as follows:

Seems anything you do these days is an overture to trouble. Can't smoke or your lungs become festering cancer depots. Can't eat your favorite food or your arteries turn into solid lead. And we won't even mention recreational drugs. But there is one thing left. You can drink. Yes, booze. Hooch. Spirits. And you can drink as much of it as you want, whether you're a happy-hour regular downing a few highballs, a beer-swigging frat boy, or a wine connoisseur who's been told to cut down or suffer the consequences. With nutritionist Frederick M Beyerlein's system, you'll never get a hangover again. While becoming a 21st century drinker, you'll learn to protect your liver by eating the right foods and replacing the nutrients you lose every time you swallow an alcoholic beverage. Best of all, you'll learn how to really enjoy the high that comes from drinking - without the sickly aftermath.

Sounds like this book will really change the quality of life of everyone at UniG, doesn't it? So go pick up your copy today and happy reading (and drinking) !!!

Mixology 101

Sake Refresher
(makes one drink)

The essence of cucumber muddled with the freshness of mint makes for a super-refreshing and not-so-sweet cocktail to par with Asian foods. This drink is especially good served with sushi.

1 sprig fresh mint
4 slices fresh cucumber
¾ ounce simple syrup
1 ½ ounces vodka
½ ounce sake
¾ ounce fresh lime juice
Garnish: thin cucumber slice

Tear mint sprig and drop into a cocktail shaker. Add cucumber slices and simple syrup. Mash ingredients together with a muddler or the back of a spoon. Add vodka, sake, and lime juice. Fill shaker with ice and shake vigorously. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a slice of cucumber.

Term Papers: Impending Doom or Happy Hour in the Model Home?

So my housemate, the every wonderful Princess Bitchette, and I have decided that our term papers (due in approx. 24 hours) are actually not that large of a priority. I have written a 3 page outline that I do not understand, and I have bullshitted two of the twenty pages. Here is my thesis:

"A primary occupation of the novel is the conflict between oral and literary practice and tradition, and the author’s insecurities highlight not only the difficulty of mediating two vastly different traditions of storytelling, but also the greater cultural difficulties that Chamoiseau’s authorial conflict allegorizes."

Anyway, this paper is clearly of high importance, and out of respect for my academic success, I decided I needed to take a break and refuel. Incidentally, Princess Bitchette simultaneously felt a scholarly break was needed. We set down our lappies and rendez-voused in the kitchen. What follows is more or less what took place:

Fig. 1. That is our "alcohol map." 

As Bichette and I snacked in the kitchen, we both realized that in less than a week we would be graduating, moving out, and leaving this chapter of our lives behind. There was clearly work to be done, and priority 1A was making sure that no child bottle of alcohol was left behind! We quickly mapped all the possible cocktail combinations, using a bottle of water as a stand-in for our vodka. The speed and alacrity with which this task was accomplished was truly astonishing, and UniGuantanamontrose has clearly taught me skills much greater than writing papers. An hour after the beginning of my "deserved break" and I am already tipsy from a concoction of Parfait Amour, Blue Curacao, Triple Sec, Contreau and Vodka. We're working our way through flavor groups, and orange seemed like the best fit. Anyway, I now have a mild headache, and even less drive to finish this paper.

Some habits die hard.

Thank you, UniG, you've taught me well!

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?

Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.

Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:

1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!

None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Syllabus for Partying 201 (Graduate Level)

This past weekend, field research was done in order to come up with new, challenging material for the Partying 201 syllabus. Faculty recommendations on what material should be covered in lecture vs. lab vs. Mardi Gras field trips would be greatly appreciated.

materials needed: sunchips, flavor twist fritos, 4-pack of mini-riesling, 2 gallon-sized bottles of sunny d, handle of vodka, and individually wrapped sour punch straws

Requirements to pass the class:

1. walking upwards of 10 miles within 36 hours instead of taking cabs
2. accessing Kid Rock a minimum of 3 times
3. losing kathleen and having a phone/text messaging war:
   

   • where are u. see jesus big sing? you can have peace and hope? we can meet there
   • conti and bourbon where r u
   • what streets are u at tell me
   • text message me! where the fuck are u!!!!!
   • TEXT MESSAGING USE IT
   • I’m sitting in fycjibh cod we I do y know where
   • lol wqhere???? I’m at bourbon and conti
   • where the rich are u
   • I’m about to take a cab
   • outside??
   • no. wherew are u. find out don’t move.
   • idk jester pizza

4. not trying to steal beer, but having a bouncer twist your arm and threaten to "break your muthafuckin arm"
5. drinking hurricanes after 3am
6. sleeping on the side of the street with random families who nurse you back to health
7. hitchhiking/convincing an ice cream truck driver to take you to another parade
8. smoking cigawettes in said ice cream truck
   
9. giving said ice cream truck driver your number so you can meet up later
   
10. drunkenly playing with angelic babies
11. drinking 2 gallons of sunny D + a handle of vodka over a 24 hour period
12. drinking king cobra on public transit
    
13. eating popeye's at 9:40am
14. aggressively ribbon dancing
15. booing/watching a povo skank SHEdini perform
16. singing Mr G songs at least 100 times while on Bourbon
17. talking like jonah and saying "some shit" over 237 times in 3 hours
18. eating chicken/getting revived at mother clucker's
19. Commuting for a total of 24 hours to and from New Orleans in an overall period of 80 hours
    
20. being totally and completely fine after all is said and done

Mixology 101

The McNuggitini


via This Recording

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to develop a more, um....delicious beverage. The most creative use of ingredients will earn you a special reward.

Other sources of inspiraton include two variations of the BLTini, the bacon-infused Old Fashioned, and the Chillantro.

Mixology 101

Personal experience speaks louder than words. Let's just say I've had a few of these, and MMMmmmMmMmmmmMmmm, GOTTA LOVE 'EM!

1 part water mixed with an emergen-C packet

1 part vodka

Put vodka in shaker with ice, shake until cold. Put vodka in martini glass, add water, add E-mergency packet. Stir. Serve. Enjoy!

UGMo Bible

I recently came across this gem--the LOLcat bible. LOLcat fans from around the globe came together to translate the bible into LOLspeak, and it was obviously a great success. It has inspired me to suggest that we, the University of GuantanaMontrose, create our own bible of sorts... perhaps without that pesky new testament. and of course, with a new view on sodomy.

Excerpts might resemble the following:

GENESIS: In the beginning there was Sam Houston. He made the SoMoToHo, Poison Girl, and the sink for everyone to vomit in. Then he made Ray and Steven. After a few months he created JPatt to help with the rent. One day, this crazy rabbit, Sasquatch, convinced Ray to do something Sam Houston had forbidden. Ray climbed a nearby tree to sit atop a carport and drink. Sam Houston punished the three, and they realized they were naked. Then there was light. It came from the light fixtures inside Banana Republic, and Ray and Steven were then clothed. Later, Sam Houston warned of a huge flood-- Ike. He created J. Toy, and put the burden of saving Houston on her shoulders. She franchised a Taco C, and gathered all of their earthly belongings, which consisted of the HIWI (Houston It's Worth It) coffee table book and 8 bottles of grain alcohol. The four lived on queso for 9 days and 8 nights, until the flood passed. When the flood was over, the foursome wandered the earth and found notsuoH, where Mirabeau B. Lamar had created and placed Hallie for safekeeping. The five went on to battle hipsters and hobos (created by JPatt and SHSG's that no one else knew about?) for control over notsuoH, and were given the ability to drink each evening to their delight. They built the holy city of Houston and all amazing things upon it in 4 weeks (the two before and the two after the day we now call Christmas), including but not limited to: Jack in the Box, Cafe Brasil, South Beach, Club Bridge, and Steven's parents house.

Train wreck on the Uni campus

Counseling is available to both students and faculty who witnessed the terrifying events that occurred at the SoMoToHo campus last Saturday night. Our hearts go out to the victims of this tragic train wreck.

Do you want to smell my memories?

After briefly accessing a somewhat mediocre party thrown by students of a rival university, we retired to the SoMoToHo. We ranged from the completely sober to the so-wasted-I'll-just-pass-out-in-this-car. More drinks were had by some and things seemed to be going along as usual until suddenly everyone else went to bed or were otherwise engaged somehow, leaving the Dean of LULZtography and myself to entertain some very odd fellows. Entertain is not so much the correct word. Maybe something more along the lines of "suffer through hours of conversation with because they would not leave." We employed many methods to try to give these people a clue that they could go now, including, but not limited to, discussing the Ol' Straw Penis and developing a ridiculous lie about a family of snake handlers in Tennessee. Our best efforts were shot down and we suffered on, each at least thankful for the other's presence so we didn't have to go it alone. I'm all for meeting people and making new friends but there are some who are just N.Q.O.K. and should not be allowed to waste the time of P.L.U. One of the guys may have not been aware that Barack Obama is now the president of the United States. The other may have not been aware that it is not actually 1995 anymore and that we weren't casting for an Office Space sequel. Needless to say, these two will NOT be offered admission to the university and if they attempt to access our parties again, the University Police may have to be called to remove them from the premises. 

At least they weren't hipsters though.

Mixology 101

http://www.browniepointsblog.com/2008/01/20/homemade-bacon-vodka/

I.D.E.K. About Last Night

Okay, the most recent post by Hallie really does propose an interesting concept in rationality and morality becoming a core value for instruction at UniGuantanamontrose. As for Tim's Mission Statement, I'll file that under "good decisions" for the moment.

So after reading about Hallie's most recent toils and troubles, I feel much less shameful about the mayhem that I partook in. In Hallie's defense there were many other "going ons about the party" that should be shared.

1. We played Dreamphone in a Lion King tent. The only thing that kept us from being 8 year-old girls was the fact that we were getting drunk and leaving said tent to smoke cigarettes every 15 minutes.
2. Jtoy showed up to the party and already had a concussion.
3. Steven's entire street ended up at the party at some point. His nearest neighbors (a gay brother and a lesbian sister) came to the party at 1 am with dates.
4. They then returned again at 4 am for more.
5. A random guy from across the street showed up at 3 am carrying 2 forties and suitcases. We thought he was moving in, but it turns out he just had an early morning flight to Costa Rica and didn't want to bother trying to sleep.
6. There was only a 20 minute period (somewhere between midnight and 1) during which "Circus" by Britney Spears was not being blasted from the stereo.
7. Even though Britney Spears was being blasted, the entire first season of "My So Called Life" never faded from the TV.
8. JPatt went to bed at 1 am and slept through the entire party. Even so, her camera now has no less than 304 pictures from last night, 148 of which are of me playing twister.
9. Three different people threw up in the kitchen sink. After cleaning the first two incidents, I just decided to let the third run its course. This is the moment at which I owe Jtoy a shout out for being a good maid. Future career possibilities are boundless for us both.
   
10. Okay, maybe this list does not need to continue...

Anyway, we here at UniGuantanamontrose may swear we're not crazy, but perhaps we really are...

Puke Crotch gets a midnight kiss

New Year's Eve is a pretty fucking depressing holiday, if you ask me.  Not only are you required to make out with someone, but it has to be at a very particular moment.  If you don't, then it's like breaking a mirror and you get seven years of bad sex, or seven years of no sex, or something involving sex and not involving orgasms.  You can send yourself flowers on Valentine's Day (what? don't judge!), but you can't make out with yourself on New Year's.

This year I gave up on the whole tragic idea of a midnight kiss. I figured I could tongue a bottle of Svedka at the big moment, which seemed like a pleasant alternative when compared to watching other people suck face in the oh-so-romantic glow of the sparklers and fireworks.  

I had almost forgotten my kissless fate when some dashing boy from years passed asked me to introduce him to my 'hot friends.' Doesn't everyone within a mile radius of Uni Guantanamontrose know that all my friends are gay men or taken or taken by gay men or making out with gay men?  

Drunk, feisty and slightly defensive, I asked, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"  That's when the deal happened.  The kiss deal.  I say 'deal' because we shook on it. 

I should mention that this was quite an amazing deal because I may or may not have puked on this person's crotch when I was sixteen and riding passenger in my own car.  To be fair, it was more in the center consul than his crotch.  This might have resulted in me getting nicknamed 'Puke Crotch', which was pretty unfair considering what that suggested versus what actually happened.  

The kiss itself I don't really remember.  It was pleasant and brief, I recall that much.  I was wearing blood red stilettos.  I made sure not to fall.  I also made sure no one set my hair on fire, because oh god does that shit smell.  Don't fall, and don't catch hair on fire: those were my two thoughts.  After the sparklers burned out, we parted ways.  

It's common knowledge that you don't make out with someone who puked near you, not to mention on you, even if it was over six years ago.  You just don't make out with Puke Crotch.  So I can only attribute what happened to a New Year's (or maybe a a late Christmas?) miracle. 

Yes, basically my New Years started with a miracle of Jesus.  How was yours?