Term Papers: Impending Doom or Happy Hour in the Model Home?

So my housemate, the every wonderful Princess Bitchette, and I have decided that our term papers (due in approx. 24 hours) are actually not that large of a priority. I have written a 3 page outline that I do not understand, and I have bullshitted two of the twenty pages. Here is my thesis:

"A primary occupation of the novel is the conflict between oral and literary practice and tradition, and the author’s insecurities highlight not only the difficulty of mediating two vastly different traditions of storytelling, but also the greater cultural difficulties that Chamoiseau’s authorial conflict allegorizes."

Anyway, this paper is clearly of high importance, and out of respect for my academic success, I decided I needed to take a break and refuel. Incidentally, Princess Bitchette simultaneously felt a scholarly break was needed. We set down our lappies and rendez-voused in the kitchen. What follows is more or less what took place:

Fig. 1. That is our "alcohol map." 

As Bichette and I snacked in the kitchen, we both realized that in less than a week we would be graduating, moving out, and leaving this chapter of our lives behind. There was clearly work to be done, and priority 1A was making sure that no child bottle of alcohol was left behind! We quickly mapped all the possible cocktail combinations, using a bottle of water as a stand-in for our vodka. The speed and alacrity with which this task was accomplished was truly astonishing, and UniGuantanamontrose has clearly taught me skills much greater than writing papers. An hour after the beginning of my "deserved break" and I am already tipsy from a concoction of Parfait Amour, Blue Curacao, Triple Sec, Contreau and Vodka. We're working our way through flavor groups, and orange seemed like the best fit. Anyway, I now have a mild headache, and even less drive to finish this paper.

Some habits die hard.

Thank you, UniG, you've taught me well!

Sasquatch made me do it!

I woke up this morning still wearing my shoes, sweater, and pants. I did make it home and into my bed, and I did manage to not throw up in my sleep, but I did leave the light on. I wonder how many fish I killed? Is it just here in Oregon, or do they have those "Save the fish. Turn off the light" stickers everywhere?

Anyway, in lieu of last night, I've decided UniG will be offering a course on peer pressure and the various ways to deal with it in the spring quarter.

Just to demonstrate the dire need of this course, I will list the various things I did not want to do last night, but did anyway because of mob mentality:

1. Chugged and finished a tall boy. 3 various times. At the command of an utter stranger.
2. Left a party for a cigarette, but ended up in a moving vehicle on the way to a pub-crawl. With someone I actually vehemently despise.
3. Bought jell-O shots for 10 people. I mean, a bar that sells jell-O shots? That in it self is a bizarre sort of peer (or rather bar) pressure.
4. Smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I swear, Mal, I do not know how you do it! Because the only people I liked at said Jello-O shot bar/various other venues of the night would leave the bar to go outside, thereby forcing me to follow them or sit alone with people I either do not like, or do not know (ie also do not like.)
5. Partially stripped on an air-hockey table. Tim and Jtoy, where was Amber when I needed her?
6. Chugged a handle of Jameson for exactly one minute while a room of 13 people cheered for me. I mean, being congratulated for getting drunk, YES PLEASE!

None of these activities were planned, and looking back in retrospect I realize that I didn't even particularly want to do any of them. All of this was enforced or elicited by others. So, as part of my collegiate development, I'd like guidance on the intricacies of making not only good v. bad decisions, but choosing my own v. others'.

Physical Education Department

This semester, when I showed up to my favorite bowling class (yes, Reed requires PE, and yes, I chose bowling) the instructor handed me a notice that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes would no longer be permitted. Though I need this credit to graduate come May, I did not hesitate in my violent protest. Clearly, this was a violation of the very fundamentals of the "sport" and/or "activity" that is bowling. I mean, I chose this PE specifically knowing it was the only one available during which participants could actually GAIN weight. Much to my dismay, however, my cries were unheeded, and the rules remained.

In response to this travesty, I will voice my frustrations here and propose a various list of "sports" or "physical activities" that, though unavailable here, would certainly be tolerated at UG.

1. Catching Chocolate Chips in One's Mouth: MTuTh. Though participates do consume calories, the amount of physical exertion necessary for proper catching far out weights the miniscule trans fat of one chocolate chip. Mini-chocolate chips will also be avaliable.
2. Walking to and from bars, as oppose to driving. MTuWThFSaSu. Quite the obvious solution. Walking home might even count as a double PE credit, since  balancing on flat ground for a drunk probably equals that of a 13 year-old gymnast on a balance beam. Incidentally, I am the only UG faculty member to have exercised (pun) this option over winter break. Unfortunately, the circumstances under which this endeavor occurred are probably not the most agreeable, seeing as slapping one's boyfriend and running out of a karaoke bar probably are not common occurrences among UG campus members. Then again...
3. Cigarette Breaks. MTuWThFSaSu. Once again, this may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. In most situations, other than Club Bridge and the SoMoToHo, the outside of a venue usually requires significant movement and walking. Think of South Beach... Additionally, the physical movement of one's arm certainly must be working some muscle? Finally, all the French smoke, and they have the longest life expectancy in the world...
4. Shaken, Not Stirred. ThFSa. Using a shaker not only requires much larger physical movement than simply stirring a drink, but the dish washing necessary afterwards also burns cals. Not to mention, if I know UG campus members, using a shaker will probably lead to some sort of disaster involving spillage, in which case mopping and other sanitation activities would also require physical exertion.
5. Body Shots w/ Prof. Tim. MTuW. But only on air hockey tables. This also will have a conference portion for discussing who actually is exerting more effort out of the shot-er and shot-e.
6. Karaoke. WFSu. All songs must be hip-hop and a performance of both singing AND dancing is expected.
7. Grinding. Always.
8. ADVANCED: Learning the Dance to Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies." SSu. My personal favorite! This actually might cause a heart attack for most of us, but for those select few, the rewards are both obvious and boundless. For inspiration and demonstration click here.

"Grackles on Montrose" by Mark Doty

Eight o’clock, warm Houston night, and in the parking lot
the grackles hold forth royally, in thick trees on the lip of traffic,

and either they’re oblivious to the street-rush
and come-and-go at the Kroger or else they actually like it,

our hurry a useful counter to their tintinnabulation.
Now one’s doing the Really Creaky Hinge, making it last a long time;

now Drop the Tin Can, glissando, then Limping Siren,
then it’s back to the Hinge done with a caesura

midstream, so it becomes a Recalcitrant Double Entry.
What are they up to, these late, randy singers,

who seem to shiver the whole tree in pleasure
when somebody gets off a really fierce line,

aerial gang of pirate deejays remixing their sonics
above the median strip all up and down the block

from here to the Taco Cabana? They sample Bad Brakes,
they do Tea Kettle in Hell, Slidewhistle into Car Alarm,

Firecracker with a Bright Report, and every feathered body—
how many of them are there, obscured by dense green?

seems to cackle over that one, incendiary rippling, pure
delight, imperious and impure singing: the city’s traffic in tongues,

polyglot cantata, awry, expansive, new.