Thursday, January 29, 2009

Physical Education Department

This semester, when I showed up to my favorite bowling class (yes, Reed requires PE, and yes, I chose bowling) the instructor handed me a notice that drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes would no longer be permitted. Though I need this credit to graduate come May, I did not hesitate in my violent protest. Clearly, this was a violation of the very fundamentals of the "sport" and/or "activity" that is bowling. I mean, I chose this PE specifically knowing it was the only one available during which participants could actually GAIN weight. Much to my dismay, however, my cries were unheeded, and the rules remained.
In response to this travesty, I will voice my frustrations here and propose a various list of "sports" or "physical activities" that, though unavailable here, would certainly be tolerated at UG.
  1. Catching Chocolate Chips in One's Mouth: MTuTh. Though participates do consume calories, the amount of physical exertion necessary for proper catching far out weights the miniscule trans fat of one chocolate chip. Mini-chocolate chips will also be avaliable.
  2. Walking to and from bars, as oppose to driving. MTuWThFSaSu. Quite the obvious solution. Walking home might even count as a double PE credit, since  balancing on flat ground for a drunk probably equals that of a 13 year-old gymnast on a balance beam. Incidentally, I am the only UG faculty member to have exercised (pun) this option over winter break. Unfortunately, the circumstances under which this endeavor occurred are probably not the most agreeable, seeing as slapping one's boyfriend and running out of a karaoke bar probably are not common occurrences among UG campus members. Then again...
  3. Cigarette Breaks. MTuWThFSaSu. Once again, this may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. In most situations, other than Club Bridge and the SoMoToHo, the outside of a venue usually requires significant movement and walking. Think of South Beach... Additionally, the physical movement of one's arm certainly must be working some muscle? Finally, all the French smoke, and they have the longest life expectancy in the world...
  4. Shaken, Not Stirred. ThFSa. Using a shaker not only requires much larger physical movement than simply stirring a drink, but the dish washing necessary afterwards also burns cals. Not to mention, if I know UG campus members, using a shaker will probably lead to some sort of disaster involving spillage, in which case mopping and other sanitation activities would also require physical exertion.
  5. Body Shots w/ Prof. Tim. MTuW. But only on air hockey tables. This also will have a conference portion for discussing who actually is exerting more effort out of the shot-er and shot-e.
  6. Karaoke. WFSu. All songs must be hip-hop and a performance of both singing AND dancing is expected.
  7. Grinding. Always.
  8. ADVANCED: Learning the Dance to Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies." SSu. My personal favorite! This actually might cause a heart attack for most of us, but for those select few, the rewards are both obvious and boundless. For inspiration and demonstration click here.


  1. "Incidentally, I am the only UG faculty member to have exercised this option (pun) in the past."

    Not true. I have walked home from bars on many occasions, though much more frequently in Berkeley than in Houston, but the latter has definitely aldso occured and should more often. When it's not 30 degrees outside.

  2. body shots...the shot-er def exerts more energy. i would know. and i too have walked home from a bar. actually regularly. but usually alone and usually in the cold.

  3. What about shacking up at some jerk's house which is even further than the destination bar and walking home in heels the following morning because he doesn't have a car/ hates you?

    I think that is duel credit for Physical Education and Montrose Dating Fail (Dean JPatt's expertise).